Hi FW:
Thanks for sharing that very personal account with us. I, too, feel like that. Nothing can make a hard-core JW examine his/her faith. They tow the company line. My Mom, who is very hard-core and has hated me from the day I was born, is like that. Her IQ is around 150 or so, and she *still* can't see this for what it is. It's very discouraging. I asked her once, point-blank, that if the UN sent her a personal letter saying the dubs were part of it, would she believe it? She said no. Then she hung up on me. See, she DOESN'T WANT her personal denial invaded. She makes it plain and clear to me that she will BE one until she dies. That's it. No if's, and's or but's about it.
I wrote her one night, when I got the guts up to do it. I wrote her an email telling her all the hurt I felt, and how confused I was, and how saddened I was by our loss of contact that we had. I also finally confronted her about things that happened to me as a child that she could have helped. She didn't respond to me, but I found out later that she cried and talked to other family members about it. She doesn't call me, nor does she respond to emails. It's very painful. My Father is very faithful to her, and he loves her alot. He came at Thansgiving and told me that she and my brother wouldn't be coming because they had had a "change of heart" about it. The previous year she had told my Father that I invited everyone except them because I was "doing it on purpose." I guess, to hurt them. She's always attributed these emotions to me when I actually don't have them. I merely saved myself the grief and didn't invite them because I knew they wouldn't come, so why bother? When I confronted her about that, she did not deny it, but said that "Daddy shouldn't tell what goes on in private married conversations." Well, Dad did. I made a change that year and and invited her and my brother, and held the Thanksgiving celebration on the NEXT day so that they could be there. We had a very good time and everyone was so peaceful and relaxed. We were all there and we felt good being together. We played board games, took pictures, and all the kids and grandkids were so happy. I felt complete.
I remember when I was growing up, that Dad (who was never a Witness) would close his restaurant for Thanksgiving and be home. Us kids were home, so Mom made a nice turkey dinner since it was "so cheap." We always had Thanksgiving, even though, God forbid, we shouldn't be THANKFUL. She said it was because the turkey was so cheap.
In October, I invited my JW brother, who has a terminal illness, to a C&W concert. Alan Jackson, the king of CW right now. The previous year, he had saved up a bunch of money and taken us two sisters to see Kenny Chesney, and we so totally enjoyed ourselves, that I thought I would like to repay his kindness and take him to see a concert. He loves country music, as does the rest of our family. We all grew up on rock and roll, but our Father loved C&W, always played it around the house and in the cars, and after we all got growed up, we all listen to that now. Funny how that works. So, Alan Jackson was coming to town, so I bought 5 tickets, for myself, my brother, and three others. I gave a ticket to my Mom, since she couldn't afford to go with us, and the other tickets were purchased by my sister and her boyfriend. My ill brother was so very happy, that's all that counted. We met at an Italian restaurant and shared food and it was so very great. When we got to the concert, my brother told me that my Mother was very apprehensive, because she didn't think it was "christian" to go to that concert. Her apprehension was alleviated when she saw Sister McDonald, who is a big country fan, at the concert. Amazing how a Christian conscience can be assuaged (is that the right word?) when someone else is "doin it." She was okay after that.
Well, C&W performers are NOTORIOUS for being patriotic. He sang a song about halfway into the program about the victims of the 9/11 attack. Here's the song:
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Out in the yard with your wife and children
Working on some stage in LA
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky
Did you shout out in anger
In fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry
Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below
Did you burst out in pride
For the red white and blue
The heroes who died just doing what they do
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself to what really matters
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone
Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
Did you dust off that bible at home
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy you a gun
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give your own blood
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
The greatest is love
The greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
So when this song comes on, the whole audience is standing, and crying. My whole family is standing and crying, except these two. These Jehoovers. I actually saw Mom raise her hand and make a "shoo" motion. Luckily for my sister and her boyfriend, they stood. I would never respect her if she hadn't. She had enough class to actually stand and give respect for the song, and the firemen, and the law enforcement officers, and everyone and anyone who died that day, and everyone that helped that day. They deserved it. But nooooooo.... they had to sit down because of the lyrics "I know Jesus, and I talk to God". How stupid. I was so disgusted. Like it's REAL bad to talk to Jesus and God. If aren't a Hoover, you CANT DO THAT.
So, at Thanksgiving, which I was holding the day AFTER so they could come.. here comes Dad and tells me that Mom and brother arent coming because their conscience is bothering them. How convenient. I said she would NOT do that to her brothers and sisters in the congregation and she should NOT do it to me. Dad called me in the other room and said I was causing "divisions." gee... I wonder where he heard that. He is a Greek Orthodox and has no clue about these little nuances. He asked me, begged me, to apologize to my Mother. I said no. I did not do anything wrong. I said that if I didn't rate being called and told that they weren't coming, I didn't rate being told about it. That if she didn't think enough of me to tell me herself, she didn't think of me at all.
The next day she calls and it is very apparent that she is being MADE to call me to apologize. Dad made her call. He is very persuasive. It is very apparent that she does not WANT to call, but she has to. I acknowledged her apology, but openly said "Well, you seem to think that it is okay to treat your children like ordinary hoodlums. The reason that I *had* Thansgiving the day after is because of you. YOu complained the year before last that I was doing it purposely." She said that she did, that Daddy was telling stuff he wasn't supposed to, and that it was true. I asked her if she would treat her JW buddies like that, and she had no answer, cuz she wouldn't. She just said that her conscience was bothering her. I said "It doesn't seem to bother your conscience to treat your family members like crap." She hung up on me. What can you say to that?
So for several months I haven't talked to her. We can't have family get togethers because I am an apostate. She already told me that. She hasn't called me, nor do I expect her to. Our family is so interconnected taht if I invite all of them out here, if i don't invite her it will be too wierd and they all won't come. I miss my Mom, but mostly I miss her for what she could have been. She *is* an awesome person, don't get me wrong. She is smart, funny and talented. She taught me a lot of good stuff... when she wasn't being a JW. She is a good person, and she truly loves her religion. She will defend it to the death, and therein lies the problem. She is so wrong. I wish I could convince her of that, but hte more I try to convince her, the wronger I get.
I miss and love you Mom, if you ever read this.
Love
Country Girl
