The question isn't if I should do something about this, but how should I respond. I only want to go to FACS (Family & Childrens Services) as a last resort. I have considered asking if I could talk to her (in a non-threatening way), because I'm concerned for both of them. I rarely see the husband. I think he works shifts. The baby will cry around 4-5am and the mother comes in and screams & swears at her. The last time I couldn't take the screaming & banging anymore so I banged on the wall to make her stop. My bedroom is adj to the baby's. She obviously now knows that I know. Maybe writing her a note would be better. I am concerned about the repercussions (I have a daughter) but I feel that I can't ignore this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This is a totally defenseless child.
my next door neighbour is mentally abusing her 16 mo old baby...
by azaria 15 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse
-
-
blacksheep
Not a expert here, but I have two young children, and the sleepless nights are still a fresh memory. Do you have enough of a relationship with this mother to approach her? Maybe acknowlege that you know it's frustrating when you're sleep deprived and a baby won't go to sleep, but you're concerned about her screaming/yelling at an infant? Obviously, the infant is defenseless and cannot reason. Maybe you can ask her if she might want to pursue counseling, etc. Let her know that you hear everything she says to her child and you are becoming concerned for the child's safety.
I don't mean to minimize the fact that she's doing more harm than good by verbally abusing her child. But sometimes you can give people a wake up call by being frank with them. I think as a neighbor it might be worth it to talk to her frankly before pursuing legal angles. At least it gives her a heads up.
Not condoning the mom, but I remember, when I was in the throes of my daughter's colic, and literally sleep deprived, my mother told me she encountered the same thing with her first child. Finally, she decided to let my sister cry for quite some time because my mom was too exhausted to attend to her. She felt that my sister would eventually stop crying. The next morning a neighbor approached her and told her she had head my sister crying all night. My mom got the point very clearly.
Parents have a lot of pressure. You need to think whether your actions help more, or hurt more.
-
xenawarrior
I'm not saying that your situation is like the one below but you just never know. Yelling at a baby IS abuse and you hve no way of knowing if it will escalate into physical abuse. If nothing else, alerting child protective services may get her the help she needs to learn to deal with her frustrations and anger in a more healthy way than screaming at her baby. Either way- IMO it's a no brainer and I would err on the side of the safety of the child and call.
http://www.indystar.com/articles/8/007066-3968-P.html Prestina Sims Adults putting loyalty above welfare of children
By Richard D. Walton [email protected] December 9, 2002Key findings of the series
? No one told: Friends and family often knew children were being abused but kept silent -- in violation of state law.
? Light punishment: Caregivers who kill children routinely are convicted of lesser offenses and receive minimal sentences.
? Uncharged: No criminal charges were filed in many child mistreatment deaths.
? Missed opportunity: Many children died after Child Protection Services investigated their families.
? Low count: Indiana has vastly underreported the number of children who die from abuse and neglect.
How to report
To report suspected abuse or neglect:
? Police: Reports may be made by calling local police departments or 911.
? CPS: Indiana's Child Protection Services has a toll-free hotline (1-800-800-5556), but callers sometimes can't get through. Reports also may be made to any county Office of Family and Children.Prestina Sims was so weak she couldn't hold her head up. So Deborah Nailer attached a collar, fashioned from cardboard and a bandana. When her niece mustered a cry, Nailer took out a belt. The blows spattered blood on the wall.
Later, standing near Prestina's emaciated body, Terre Haute Police Capt. Kevin Mayes saw a burn across most of the girl's back.
Mayes mulled the imprint.
Then he noticed something on the counter.
"I looked up at that iron, and I looked down at the baby. And I said: 'My God, that iron is what did it.' "
Nineteen-month-old Prestina died in September 1999 from dehydration and malnutrition.
Fear and misplaced loyalty helped seal her fate.
"From the time she was first injured until her death were many, many days," former Terre Haute Police Chief Joe Newport said. "And no one stepped up . . . to help that baby out."
Police and child protection records obtained by The Indianapolis Star reveal that others knew or suspected prior to Prestina's death that Deborah Nailer was abusing her.
Nailer's friend, Nicole P. Lane, went on outings with Nailer knowing that the injured girl was alone back in the apartment, suffering pain that -- said a Child Protection Services report -- "no one should have to go through."
"The child suffered through torture that was preventable," the report concluded, "if only someone had called and made the report."
Kynesha Fuller, who heard the girl cry through thin apartment walls, sometimes checked on Prestina's welfare.
But she never called authorities.
Says Fuller now: "I should have done more."
Nailer, a former Indiana State University student who lived in campus housing at the time of the death, was the only one prosecuted in the fatality, despite a state law requiring anyone who suspects child abuse to report it. Vigo County Prosecutor Robert Wright said that, largely because of the difficulty in proving prior knowledge of abuse, he never has brought a failure-to-report child abuse charge in his 10 years in office.
Nailer was sentenced to 10 years in prison after pleading guilty to two counts of neglect of a dependent causing serious bodily injury. In addition to the burns, Prestina -- whose name is spelled Pristina in some documents -- sustained a broken jaw.
The baby was the daughter of Deborah Nailer's sister, Margaret Nailer, then of Chicago. At the mother's request, Nailer assumed temporary care of Prestina in early 1999.
Prestina had second- and third-degree back burns, from her waistline to her shoulders, said the Vigo County coroner, Dr. Susan Amos.
The wounds, she said, most likely occurred about two weeks before Prestina's death.
"You burn your hand on a stove or cookie sheet, that hurts. Think of an area . . . the size of a sheet of paper -- that was all scalded . . . And on your back. I mean, every time you move your arm, your shoulder, it's going to move that skin . . .
"Every time you breathe, it's . . . painful."
The burn slowly stole fluids from the baby, and she wasted away. At death, Prestina weighed 161/2 pounds; 23 to 24 pounds is normal for her age.
It did not have to be this way.
"If they had sought medical care for this burn," Amos said, "this child could have survived."
A tortured end
Time and again it happens: Adults putting loyalty to other adults -- and friendship -- above the welfare of children.
Nicole Lane at first lied to investigators to protect her friend.
Then she admitted to seeing, in those final weeks, a succession of injuries to Prestina.
Lane told police she noticed some of the girl's teeth were loose and there were cuts on her lip. She said Nailer told her Prestina had fallen.
Lane saw her swollen forehead. Nailer said the girl fell from the toilet and hit her head.
When Lane noticed marks on Prestina's neck, Nailer said they were caused by the bandana.
Nailer, who declined to be interviewed for this story, told police her niece "was lazy sometimes and she wouldn't sit up or she'd pop her head down, and then she got to the point where she just wouldn't hold it up at all."
As Prestina deteriorated, she quit minding her aunt.
"Wouldn't walk. Wouldn't eat. Wouldn't do as they told," said Lt. Jeff Bellinger of the Indiana State University police. "So she was going to discipline" the child.
"And her way was with a belt."
Nailer admitted to police that she got frustrated with Prestina and hit her with a belt or comb. "I just hit her anywhere but her head."
Nailer did not intend to hit Prestina on her back, but sometimes she struck her there accidentally, according to police statements. Her back bled because it had not healed from the burn.
"I told her if she's angry like that, take the baby home" to her mother, Lane said. "Because . . . you gonna hurt this baby."
Shortly before Nailer moved to campus, Fuller lived next door to her in Terre Haute.
She fretted about Prestina's safety.
"Deborah," Fuller told police, "was always super strict with Prestina. I called (their) apartment frequently . . . to find out why Prestina was crying."
Fuller recalled taking food to Nailer's apartment. A piece of bread was left on the plate, and Prestina grabbed it.
"This made Deborah angry. When I left the apartment, I heard Deborah discipline Prestina from approximately 9 p.m. to midnight over grabbing that piece of bread." Fuller said Prestina cried almost the entire time.
Another time, Fuller heard Nailer yelling at the baby, "and later it sounded as if she threw the baby in the tub. I heard the water splash and the baby crying. I called their apartment. . . Deborah told me that the splashing was from Deborah throwing toys in the tub and that Prestina was crying because she didn't want to get her hair washed."
Fuller told The Star that when she heard Prestina was dead, she was not surprised.
"My first thought and the first thing that came out of my mouth was: 'She finally killed her.' "
Nailer, Nicole Lane told police, was a loving person. But Nailer once confided that there was something about Prestina that brought out the worst in her.
"She said, it's somethin' inside of her . . . that comes out as if the baby has a wicked spirit in her" that "makes the baby do things that she knows is gonna push Deborah's buttons."
Nailer at first told police that Prestina had been burned accidentally with chicken grease. She later said she became distracted and the baby leaned up against the iron.
Nailer said she was concerned about the burn -- she was treating it with cocoa butter -- but was afraid to seek a doctor's care.
She feared "something would happen to her as far as child abuse or whatever."
Nicole Lane said she urged Nailer to take the baby to the hospital.
Asked by police how she felt about going on outings knowing the girl was suffering alone back in the apartment, Lane replied, "I was scared, I was really scared."
"I wasn't thinking . . . she might die."
-
sf
I'd approach her with compassion. Reminding her how defenseless the baby is and cannot verbally communicate the reasons she is crying out.
I'd make her well aware that it is something that, "if I can hear it, I'm sure other neighbors can to; and that there is no telling what actions another neighbor might take and to whom they may make aware".
I would do this very soon too. As that child cannot defend itself against the abuse.
Once you become aware of abuse, as you've now made this entire board aware of, someone must act on behalf of this child and it's safety.
If you would like me to make a call posing as another neighbor, I'm willing to help. If you have her number. Or you can tell her you have friends that have heard it and they are wondering what to do. Once she is aware others are aware of her behavior, she might wise up.
sKally
-
neverthere
Call CAS right away! Don't think that approaching the mother will help. Most times it can cause the child to be abused further. If you must approach the mother suggest an offer of sitting for her, perhaps she needs support she is not getting. If you contact CAS (FACS) they may be able to give her the support she needs to stop what she is doing, either by parenting classes or some other form of support, perhaps even daycare. If you call them it does not mean that they will take the baby away, but they will investigate and then she will be made aware that her actions are affecting that baby right now.
Good luck,
Diana
-
shamus
This makes me sick.
-
Scully
This is heartbreaking.
It is normal for little ones of this age to wake in the middle of the night, their sleep cycles are shorter than those of adults and older children. If this is a firstborn child, it may be that the parents are not appropriately informed of this normal developmental behaviour.
The other thing, based on the baby's age, and the obvious sleep deprivation and stress the mother is going through, is that she is at a very high risk of postpartum depression. If she has not been identified as being at risk previously, it could be that she has not even considered that possibility; if this is a firstborn child she may not even be aware that she is at risk for this condition.
If you decide to talk to the mother, I agree that a compassionate approach is best at this point. You might suggest that a visit to the pediatrician or family doctor might be able to help her understand why her baby isn't sleeping through the night yet. You can ask her what she knows about postpartum depression, and whether she has ever wondered if she could have it, especially since she's not getting enough rest and seems to be under a lot of stress. There are support organizations out there if she needs help with this. A call to your local Public Health Department could get her connected to a Healthy Babies, Healthy Children program.
I have copied the Ministry of Health's website information for you to look at. I hope it helps.
Love, Scully RN
Public Information Health Care Providers News Media Text Only Version Healthy Babies, Healthy Children Program - Update The Healthy Babies, Healthy Children program is part of a province-wide network of prevention and early intervention services for families. It is part of the government's long-term plan for children, and it demonstrates the government's commitment to developing an integrated system of effective services for children.
By forging partnerships with community-based service providers, the government is building a future for families by providing them with greater opportunities to raise healthy, well-adjusted children who will become active contributors to the province's future growth. With an annual $57 million dollar commitment for the Healthy Babies, Healthy Children program, growing to $67 million annually by year 2000-2001, the following services are provided :
- universal screening at birth for all newborns;
- family home visitors;
- prenatal screening;
- early identification.
Early childhood experiences make a critical and long-term difference in children's early development and in their health and well-being during childhood and as adults. Identifying young children (prenatal to six years of age) who require additional supports to achieve social, emotional, cognitive and physical health, and intervening as early as possible with those supports, can improve life prospects.
With about 139,000 newborns each year, the Healthy Babies, Healthy Children program offers screening, information and referral to all families. About 25 percent will be offered further follow up under the Healthy Babies, Healthy Children program. About 15,000 will receive a public health nurse home assessment to connect the family to the most appropriate services. And an estimated 8,000 families will access home visits by a trained home visitor.
About half of those referred (or 15,000), will require a public health nurse home assessment to connect the family to the most appropriate services. And an estimated 8,000 children will require home visits by a trained home visitor. Every newborn in Ontario receives postpartum screening, and every family can choose to have a phone call and visit from a specially trained public health nurse. In this way, each family has help in working toward healthy development of their child and effective parenting. The Goal : Working Together toward the Health of our Children
The community-based initiative is focused around local service providers who work together to build a prevention and early intervention network for children and their parents. Through this network, the resources of the community - physicians, nurses, hospital staff, social services providers and child care staff - are working to identify problems before they become serious and require expensive, long-term interventions.
Municipal public health units are working in partnership with the Ministry of Community and Social Services regional/area offices and the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care in implementing this province-wide network. The Connection : Linking families to the most appropriate services
The Healthy Babies, Healthy Children program is a community-based service that provides assessments by public health nurses, links families with services, and provides home visitors. The program depends on close collaboration among service providers to focus attention as early as possible on meeting the needs of the family.
The program assists by putting into place services to help families gain knowledge and new skills about caring for their babies. Families with very young children could benefit from home visitors who help with parenting and share information about child development. In addition, families with children prenatal to age six will be linked to appropriate services in their area.
April 2001
If you need more information about the Healthy
Babies, Healthy Children program, please contact
your local public health unit listed in the blue
pages of your telephone directory.Call the ministry INFOline at 1-800-268-1154
(Toll-free in Ontario only)
In Toronto, call 416-314-5518
TTY 1-800-387-5559
Hours of operation : 8:30am - 5:00pm
E-mail : [email protected]| return to main publications menu | return to program publications menu | | home | central site | contact us | site map | français | © Queen's Printer for Ontario, 2002 | Privacy Policy | Disclaimers | Last Modified : 03/01/2004 11:05:54
-
shotgun
WOW..tuff situation to be in.....
I doubt if someone who repeatedly screams and curses at a baby will listen to reason from their neighbour..I guess you could try..
I would tape it if you can and pass it on to the correct agency so it's not just accusations but tangible proof.
-
Scully
Information on postpartum depression:
Women's Health Expert Columns
Postpartum Depression
by Marcia S. Starkman, M.S.N., R.N., C.S.Like all new mothers, 27-year old Hilary was looking forward to caring for and nurturing her child. But within days of bringing the baby home, she knew something was wrong.
?I felt overwhelmed, scared, anxious, weepy, hysterical, sad, sleep deprived and unable to take care of myself or the baby.?
Hilary learned first hand that childbirth and motherhood aren?t always as they?ve been portrayed-- a wonderful experience where everything goes well.
At least six out of ten mothers, possibly even more, have the ?baby blues? after giving birth. It?s normal for new mothers who are physically exhausted and going through hormonal changes along with adjustments in roles and responsibilities. The baby blues usually last for about two weeks, but some women progress from baby blues into the much more severe postpartum depression, some immediately and others over time.
?I have a history of mild depression and severe anxiety,? says Hilary. ?So I knew it was a risk. When I felt that I couldn't be alone with my baby?(I realized) that I had a major problem.?
But, not all mothers recognize or are willing to accept that they have a problem. Marcia Starkman, a nurse psychotherapist at Crescent Counselling Services and Postpartum Partnership in Richmond Hill, Ontario offers these insights.
Healthy Ontario.com: Marcia, what exactly is postpartum depression? Do we know what causes it?
Marcia Starkman: Postpartum depression and its symptoms are similar to clinical depression,or a major depressive episode. The difference is that it occurs within weeks or months after giving birth. 12-16% of women are likely to develop postpartum depression. It may also be called a mood disorder, an adjustment reaction, or an anxiety disorder, or all of these. The symptoms may include:
- Insomnia or hypersomnia (too much sleep)
- Anxiety
- Feelings of guilt and/or worthlessness
- Feeling sad and hopeless with tearfulness
- Lack of interest in the newborn, or preoccupation with it
- Appetite changes (either increased or decreased)
- Negative self-image, including feelings of inadequacy
- Anger and irritability
- Inability to experience pleasure in usual activities
- Lack of interest in sex
HO: How can a new mother recognize if she is just experiencing "baby blues" or more serious depression?
MS: The easiest way for a new mother to recognize if what she is feeling are the "baby blues" or postpartum depression, is for her to consider the time frame in which her symptoms occurred. 70- 80% of new moms experience the "baby blues" within a few days of giving birth, with many of the same symptoms mentioned above, especially weepiness and anxiety. They usually dissipate within a week or two and no treatment is required. If she is finds that her feelings are not going away after a few weeks or newly develop a few months later, this is a cause for concern. Also, if they are increasing in severity and continue to last, she should consider seeking treatment.
HO: What feelings do mothers go through at this stage...will they be hesitant to ask for help?
MS: Mothers tend to feel scared and anxious about what is happening to them, and often very alone. They think that everything they are feeling is their fault, and may also worry about going crazy. They can't understand why they just can't think their way out of the problem. Guilt is one of the most prominent emotions; worried that they are letting their partner and families down, or that their mothering/bonding is "deficient" and the baby will suffer long term repercussions as a result. Stigma is another factor. Women are bombarded with the message that having a new baby is supposed to be the "happiest times" of their lives. When they feel anything but happy, they are afraid to share those feelings. Many women have never had psychiatric problems before and do not want to be labelled as crazy or a "nut case". In the extreme, they avoid discussing what they are going through with their physicians, fearing the baby may be taken from them if they admit how they really feel. Fear of being hospitalized on a psychiatric ward and being separated from the baby are huge concerns. If the mother is breastfeeding, she is often very conflicted about whether to take anti-depressants or not.
HO: Is it possible to deal with postpartum depression alone?
MS: I do not believe it is possible to deal with any mental illness alone. But postpartum depression, in particular, requires the co-operative efforts of the woman, her partner and family, her physicians, close friends, and resources in the community. You can see why teenage and single mothers are particularly at risk and in need of intensive support and intervention. I would emphasize that physicians should ask new mothers about how and what they are eating, if they are sleeping when the baby sleeps, and if they are getting out.
HO: What help is there in the community?
MS: First of all, the new mother needs to admit to herself that she is depressed, in pain, and struggling. And realize that there is no shame in asking for help. The woman and/or her partner should not be afraid to approach their family doctor first, as s/he is often the "gatekeeper" to other supports and resources in the community. Her "six week check up" visit to her Ob/Gyn might also be a place to start, or even talking with the baby's paediatrician.
Education is very important, either by a professional in the health care system or by attempting to read several excellent books on postpartum depression. That is if her concentration is not too impaired. The general consensus among professionals working with postpartum depression is that a "three prong approach" is one of the best. This would include anti-depressant medication, support groups, and individual/couple counselling.
Counselling can be found in the community, with psychiatrists needing a physician's referral. There may be long waiting lists. There are fee for service counsellors, like psychologists, social workers, and nurses there,as well. Postpartum depression and other new mother support groups can be accessed through the local Public Health Unit. Sometimes, hospitals have programs that offer specialized postpartum depression groups. It may take some detective work!
HO: What role can the father play?
MS: The father can learn as much as he can about postpartum depression, not blame his partner for how she is feeling, taking over many of her duties in order to help her rest, and limiting the amount of visitors in and out of the home. He also needs to be patient, supportive, and tolerant of the changes in their home environment and relationship. Most of all, he needs to take good care of himself.
© Queen's Printer for Ontario, 2004
This information is not intended as a substitute of any kind for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Speak to your healthcare professional before taking any product, changing your lifestyle, or beginning or discontinuing any course of treatment. If you suspect that you are ill or may have a medical emergency, contact a physician or a health professional, or call 9-1-1 immediately.
Back to Previous Page
-
outnfree
I would report the abuse to the authorities immediately.
Then, I would take a deep breath, knock on the neighbor's door, tell her what I've heard and make an offer to watch the baby during the afternoon or early evening (if you can do this) so that she can take a nap or just get out and away from the pressures. Just offering to sit once a week, but REGULARLY, might help this mother because she would have some relief to look forward to.
Scully has a point that she may be suffering from post-partum depression -- I did, and never really understood what was going on until much later -- or just not have been prepared for the hard work of parenting.
On the other hand, verbal abuse may not be all that's going on there. Best to let the authorities determine that, IMNSHO.
Courage, azaria!
outnfree
| 