I just got to thinking (scary I know), who am I??? I mean really. We are the people we are because of what we’ve been through and the experiences we’ve had, but what if everything I we lived was fake?? I mean I really feel like I was living in the Truman show. Everything I ever believed was a sham, everyone I ever knew and loved, loved me conditionally. It was dependent on the fact that I lived this sham. In the movie he had real friends, and a wife, and yet the second he threatened they’re way of life, they turned on him. When he found out it was all fake, he was soo lost. Because WHO he was his IDENTITY was formed by fake events, fake beliefs even his feelings were manipulated.
What brought this on I guess was I got an email from a friend from school yesterday. And I’ve just recently gotten back in contact with, and told what happened. He of course knew me as a devout JW, and was quite shocked. I guess what I’m wondering is have I changed??? I know I have in some areas, but it’s rather odd not really knowing, kind of like everything is new because I don’t know how I feel about it. ‘I’ have to be the one that decides things, not anyone else, not a group of old men. And I don’t have to make my decisions on how it will affect all the other young ones, I don’t have to worry about gossip and slander. It’s very strange, there’s a whole new world out there.
I guess it’s just weird because I had everything figured out, and locked in. And now I realize that everything I do affects something or someone. I’ve realized how much just a smile or a kind comment can mean. I’ve learned not to take things for granted like I used to, and not to assume things either. Fortunately (well I’ll leave that up to you) I’ve managed to keep my sense of humor, which is rather dry so I’m sorry if I offend anyone!!! If you WONDER if it was meant to offend then it wasn’t it was a joke. Because If I’m ticked you won’t have ANY doubts, how’s that for a disclaimer!!!
It’s just so weird to have to start over and reevaluate EVERYTHING and why I feel the way I do about people and things. I think I know who I am NOW!!! But who in the heck was I all those years!!! You know I mean it’s just weird to think that it was all a deck of cards. That my whole life was a sham, that my friendships and family were conditional. Conditional on a destructive mind control cult. What’s really hard for me is thinking of my little cousin and niece being raised that way. Living a lie! Not getting to know they’re aunt and grandparents. What a waste of their tiny little lives. Knowing all that I went through growing up, because of who Dad was and the problems he had.
Some kids hated me simply because they’re dad hated my dad because he wasn’t an elder and my dad was. Others because there was a lot more involved. On two separate occasions dad had to haul CO’s in Before DO’s and counsel the CO’s. It’s incredible the jealousy and backbiting that happens in such a ‘spiritual paradise’. I’ve been through a lot as a JW. I’ve had a lot of health problems over the last 8 years do to emotional stress. And then to find out there was NO point to any of it AAAHHHHH!!!!! It just kills me that my niece will go through all that too if they stay in, because my brother-in-law will probably be an elder soon. He’s 4th JW with close to 50 JW relatives in the area, and I know what she’ll go through, the pain, the guilt, and the lies. I just hope they get out soon while she’s still young.
HAHHA sorry this got so long I was just thinking on paper again. And my poor finger hurts typing because I slammed it in the door. Ohh well I just kinda felt like sharing what was on my mind. I KNOW each and everyone of YOU here have gone through this too, I know I’m not alone, but I just felt like expressing myself.
Luv ya,
Ven