oh my god.
i could have written your post, axel, seven years ago. i thought those thoughts, said those things, and worried, worried worried about the right decision to make. i had a two year old child at the time too, so her future depended on what i decided.
i agonized over it for a long time. finally, the 'enough' point came when i was ready to die to get out of the marriage. i thought the only way out of the religion, and marriage, would be in a body bag. but friends (so called worldly ones) convinced me that i was too young to give up on my life (i was 26) and that no matter what emotionally abusive things my husband had said to me, i could 'do better', i could 'be treated differently' and i could 'make it without him.'
was it easy? hell no. did i worry if my child would hate me? yes, constantly.
this week it was six years since the divorce was final and i know more every single day that not only did i do the right thing, i did the only thing i could do to save my life and my sanity.
has it been hard at times since? yes, because of my daughter, she's older now and she wonders why she has to have two sets of parents, to go back and forth, but she's also old enough to realize that her father is a very difficult person to deal with, and she knows, and has said, that she is better off the way things are. i wish i could have saved her the anguish of having to go back and forth but you know what? she would have been a lot worse off if a) i'd offed myself as i'd planned back then or b)i managed to stay alive and continued to be degraded, humiliated, and abused on a daily basis right before her eyes. i didn't want her to grow up thinking that this was the way a man should treat a woman.
if you don't have kids, then it's a hell of a lot easier, but still divorce is something i wouldn't wish on the worst person in the world. it tears you up, but you can heal, believe me.
only you can say where your personal 'line' is and if its been crossed. as someone who has been there, and is now married VERY happily to someone who is so much better to me, and for me, than my first husband ever was or could be, i know that there is no comparison between being with someone who really loves you or someone who loves and idea of what they want you to be. that's not love, that's control.
hope i'm making sense and sorry for no capitol letters with ms it's easier for me to give them up when i type. i could talk about this for hours, seriously, will likely be back to this thread. i didn't read other responses yet because i wanted to give you my view without having read anybody elses first, but i know you're definitely not alone in where you are.
even my jw family, even the ones who shun me (which has been the hardest part of the divorce/remarriage thing for everyone) say that they know i'm better off with husband 2. they can't understand why we're so happy when we're not doing things 'jehovah's way'. meanwhile, all the jw marriages i know, all of them, are lukewarm, at best. i have never known a really, truly peaceful and happy jw couple.
more later...and big hugs to you
fleur (the poster known formerly as esmeralda till i lost my !*!&%! hotmail account and the info that went with it.)