by natalienu 16 Replies latest jw friends
Last year I went through the painful ordeal of having an abortion. It was a tough decision to make but I have no desire to give birth any time soon, if at all. But after mixing with those blasted JWs they began to ever so slowly put guilt into me for my past choice. Now I am forever wondering if I did the right thing ? even though I don?t want kids.
Has anyone else had an abortion on here? I would just enjoy hearing other peoples stories and their thoughts on it.
Thanks!
Nat xx
Nat,
The sister of my soon to be ex is about 3 months pregnant. The other day she had a ultrasound which revealed that the baby wasn't developing properly and further tests revealed that the baby has severe downs syndrome. In addition, the baby has a cleft pallete, improperly formed heart and problems with the lungs. The docotrs are not predicting good chances for the baby to be born but of course all the JW family are praying that the baby won't die.
Operations have already been booked for the heart and the cleft pallete for some months after the baby is born. This poor little girl has an atrocious start to life and it is going to be an enormous struggle every day for her predicted short life.
The mother has been trying to conceive for the last 8 years and had given up hope of ever having a child and had resigned herself and accepted her infertility. This baby was an accident so if things do not work out they way they want then she may never have another child.
But sitting outside the group now i can't help but wonder whos' interests they are really serving by allowing this baby to be born. Does perhaps never having the opportunity for having another child make it ok to put this child through a lifetime of suffering? Of course from a JW point of view there is no question but to accept fate and bring such a child in to the world. As a JW we were trained to ignore logic and apply hard and fast rules to every single situation in our lives regardless of the cost or consequences.
Sometimes i think it is more important to stand back and see the bigger picture. Sometimes the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.
Beaker
With Downs you have to respect the right of the mother to choose. I knew a woman who was told her baby would be severe Downs. She almost had an abortion. She decided not to do it though and guess what? The baby was a completely normal and healthy baby boy. Whatever the family decides to do, they will learn many valuable things from either experience. Often times Downs kids bring much joy to their families and others.
Flyin'
I'm sorry you had to make that choice years ago, but there is no real point to suffer endless guilt trips over the situation and those who would keep lashing you are being unkind.
It is a choice made by many mothers each and every day and although in my heart I do feel it is wrong (there may be exceptions - I can't think of any specifics at present), I can understand that some feel the need to abort the child and have to live with the consequences for doing so.
Friends of mine chose to abort a child a few years ago due to poor financial circumstances and feeling that it was not the right time for a baby due to career choices. They asked me what I thought about the decision to my face and rather than lie, I tried to express myself in a truthful yet caring way. Unfortunately there is no easy way to tell somebody under those circumstances that one thinks that they were morally wrong to do so and the conversation ended up in the midst of awkward emotions.
It is a highly emotive area, but ultimately it is up to the parents involved to make that choice and not for me or any human (IMO) to ultimately sit in judgement, although we have the right to voice an opinion.
I think under similar circumstances, if I were forced into that postion I would choose the fostering option.
I hope you feel better about yourself soon and find a loving expression to give to others from within the pain you bear.
Has anyone else had an abortion on here? I would just enjoy hearing other peoples stories and their thoughts on it.Hi Natalienu,
I have had two terminations, one when I was only 19 & another when I was 28. The first time was an accident - I was bulimic & didn't realise that the Pill wouldn't protect me with my purging & the second time my fiance & I made a decision to have a child & when I fell pregnant he reneged.
With the first termination I didn't really feel guilty, I was sad that this had happened but knew I was way too young to have a baby & it wouldn't be fair to the child or I to go through with it. As for the father, I had been wanting to end the relationship with him for some time & would not have wanted that life-long bond with him. So I felt comfortable with the decision & was glad when it was over & that I was not going to have to pay for one stupid mistake for the rest of my life.
The second time was really horrible because it was planned & also because I was quite capable emotionally, physically & financially to have a child. I've always wanted children & was very excited when we decided to have a baby. Within a few days of being off the Pill I was pregnant & when my fiance found out he didn't cope well at all. He wouldn't discuss it rationally with me, he pretended to, but he was very set that this was too soon, too scary, too everything. He was 33 then & we both had well-paying jobs & his parents had also offered to help us buy a home so I couldn't see that the money thing was going to be an issue. I think he just freaked out & was terrified of being responsible/tied down. So we agonised about it for a couple of weeks & then finally I booked in for an abortion. I thought about having the baby on my own but I knew that if I did he is the sort of guy who would never have left me. No matter how bad our relationship became he would always stay for the kid. So I felt that if I had the baby against his wishes he would stay with me but out of duty & not desire & I would hate myself & my child to live like that.
When we went to the clinic he was really tearful & kept 'saying is this what you want to do?' but by that stage I was resolved to it & felt it was the only option. Afterwards we went home & I felt OK for a while because I was on pethidine but he was crying & very sad. That just made me really angry & when the drugs started to wear off & I started feeling sad I didn't think that he had a right to be as upset as he was - after all, it was his choice & I really felt that he had pushed me into it. For about 2 months I felt like absolute crap, very tearful, depressed, kept saying that I was a bad mother because I couldn't even protect my child & very angry with him. We ended up breaking up about a year after this happened & I went to a counsellor to get over my anger at him.
I no longer feel angry about it & am glad that we are no longer together but will always feel a certain amount of loss for that baby. Although I am ambiguous about my religious/spiritual beliefs, I hope that this lost baby's soul is waiting on a cloud somewhere so that we can one day meet.
I hope this helps you in someway.
Cat
x
Nat, it's never an easy decision and I can understand your feelings. You did what was right for you and all circumstances are individual. Yes, the wt guilt can kick in; I think that's one of the areas they are most efficient in, but try to let go of it. All of us can second guess past decisions, but you made a decision for yourself and it was appropriate. It's important that you had the choice.
Hugs for you, (((((((Nat)))))))
Emma
So I felt comfortable with the decision & was glad when it was over & that I was not going to have to pay for one stupid mistake for the rest of my life.
I'm not trying to attack you for this....but that is the most selfish statement I've ever heard.
I've terminated a pregnancy. I had Major guilt... it was kinda an accidental pregnancy, but at the time I was experimenting w/ mind over matter and sexual energy... obviously that was a stupid thing to do if I didn't want a baby, but I didn't know it would actually work. I knew instantly when I conceived, but after I confirmed the pregnancy, I wanted that baby bad! I had made it with my own will. The man I was with was very controlling and we had hours and hours of tear filled conversations. I talked to the child that was in my womb and told her that the time was not right now and asked her to come back to me at another time. I didn't actually schedule the procedure until I was certain that I had established communication with the Spirit of the child I was carrying.
When I did have the procedure done, the jack-ass that I was with at the time didn't even go with me... he had to work. He called me later that evening and said "I was holding your hand at 2:30 today." I flipped out... I spent days just crying for my mom. I was depressed after that for weeks... Erik and I broke up shortly there-after, and at this point in my life I'm glad not to be permanantly attached to such a controlling prick.
I did have an attack of concience about 2 years after having been reinstated and I spoke w/ an Elder friend of mine (now df'd) and he spent hours in research and presented me with 3 or 4 pages of scriptural consolation. I still think about that all the time, but I do like to think that My daughter waited for me so that she could be born into a much better environment!
When I did have the procedure done, the jack-ass that I was with at the time didn't even go with me... he had to work. He called me later that evening and said "I was holding your hand at 2:30 today." I flipped out... I spent days just crying for my mom. I was depressed after that for weeks... Erik and I broke up shortly there-after, and at this point in my life I'm glad not to be permanantly attached to such a controlling prick.
This sort of brings an intersting quote I heard on the Laura Inghram show last night while I was in bed. Laura played a clip of some abortion ralliers from Sunday's rally and one of them had a song that said "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be legal." It made me think "What if men got pregnant, would they put women through the 'abort the baby now' tirade they usually do when they don't want to take responsability of the child?
So I felt comfortable with the decision & was glad when it was over & that I was not going to have to pay for one stupid mistake for the rest of my life.
I'm not trying to attack you for this....but that is the most selfish statement I've ever heard.
Joysome, if that is you not trying to attack me then I'd hate to see you really try! I stand by my statement, I don't think that I OR a child (which I made very clear in my post) should have to pay for life for an accidental pregnancy. How is it selfish to not want to live off the government (essentially the rest of society) on benefits & not be able to give my child a happy & financially secure life? I don't know if you were/are a dub but this is a typical JW thing - take one statement out of context & completely misconstrue it's meaning.
