How Long did it take you to re-build?

by Scooby 24 Replies latest jw friends

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  Scooby

  Hi Guys-

  Just wondering how long it took/ is taking many of you to rebuild your lives and say goodbye to phobias, etc.?

  For those who grew up in the borg and don't have a point of reference to go back to....what have you done to create a new life free from that anguish to your mind? Did a new religion help or therapy? What things were MOST beneficial to clear your mind(s)?

  I've been out over a year now and I still battle with waves of depression, guilt and phobias. Any tips? I did not grow up in it so I started over by mentally going back to age 19. Still.... is very hard sometimes and I lost my marriage in the process. Is TIME the biggest healer. I've done and am in Therapy/cult exit counseling, read many books on the subject and really am committed to letting go.

  Thanks for your input!
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  Dan-O

  Having grown up in the org, I bailed shortly after I turned 18. I suppose I was on my way out for a few years, and solidified that exit with choices I made at 17 ... leaving home, going to college, chasing as many skirts as I could, frequenting bars until closing time, experimenting with recreational drugs, and quite a few other items of 'conduct unbecoming a Christian'.

  I have not embraced a new religion, even after 22 years. I think I'm pretty much turned off to the whole concept of organized religion. And that's fine. My sundays are now spent playing golf or watching NASCAR or just hanging out with my kids & watching TV ... dashing out to the patio to set fire to a pile of charcoal to grille some steaks for dinner.

  I guess what I'm saying is that clearing my mind took place thru the process of trying a bunch of things that were always forbidden while I was growing up. some of those things felt right, and some didn't. It's just that I got to make those decisions for myself.
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  Dawn

  (((Scooby)))

  It does take time - so be patient with yourself. You are on the right track - counseling will help.

  I was raised a JW and was DF'd when I was 20, reinstated (ugh..) and DF'd again about 4 years later. I did have a really good support group to help me out at that time - my boyfriend (now husband) was never a JW and was helpful in pointing out the control aspects. I also had made some friends at work who were good at giving me an unbiased view of things.

  Being raised in it I found that it took me a very long time to finally break free of the phobias and guilt. I am 38 now, it's been about 2-3 years since I have been totally FREE - that is, I don't have nightmares anymore, no fears of armageddon, no weird feelings if I run into a JW. It just seems like another life and is of no consequence to me any longer. I do think that I learned some very good lessons in the process and it hasn't all been a waste - I can use what I've learned to help others and turn something that was terrible into something beautiful. (Isaiah 61:3 a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair)

  Here is my advice to you:

  1) continue in counseling - it will help you even though it is hard and may take a long time it's very much worth it

  2) study other christian denominations - somehow researching other people's beliefs helped me to view the JW's more as a "religion" than the "truth" - I realized it was just another set of doctrines and eventually was able to separate doctrine from God.

  3) Read the bible - by itself with no other literature. I recommend the book of John - in reading that book I began to see Jesus in a whole different way. It's all about a relationship with him - not a relationship with a church

  4) Pray to God about it. I found it was easier for me to address him as "God" because using the name Jehovah just put me back in the same rut. I started addressing him different ways such as "father", "Lord", and "God" - it helped me think of him in different ways and build a new relationship that the JW's had previously hampered.

  5) Most important - be patient with yourself. Healing takes time but it's well worth it!
• 

  SixofNine

  What things were MOST beneficial to clear your mind(s)?

  Specifically, two books. "Who wrote the Bible" (because if we don't know, then we are just silly to be "haunted" by their ancient, mythos luvin', ignorant words) and, "The Demon Haunted World" by Carl Sagan (because I believed some really ridiculous things for my first 36 years, but so do alot of people who were never JW's. Why leave the JW's and continue to be "haunted" by ridiculous beliefs?).

  It's hard to "get over it", if you haven't really identified what "it" is. The real enemy, the thing that hurt us all so much, is bad, inaccurate, unsupported by facts, beliefs. It's not "them", it's what they believe.

  I've been out over a year now and I still battle with waves of depression, guilt and phobias. \

  It sounds like deep down, you have some bad beliefs that you are holding on to. My recommendation is to face them head on. Don't rely on a counselor or therapy to do this for you either, it's not in their realm of expertise.

  One other caveat; if your having been a JW is not the source of some of your mental distress, and you blame it on this anyway, it can only hamper your ability to heal. I mention this because I see it happen often, the JW religion is an easy target, a hat rack for every negative head problem we have. Unfortunately, the numbers just don't add up; people who were never JW's have the same problems.
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  Carmel

  Scoob,

  My exiting the borg was not nearly as traumatic as most. I was 15 yrs young and pretty rebellious so had no attachment to the family, hence their guilt trips had little effect. I was bothered by apprehension for a couple years but decided early on to put all religion on the shelf since I couldn't find one that met my expectations (conditioned by JW brainwashing). About 15 years later I did seriously take up investigating a religion that "came to me" and I have been involved every since. I do think it helped me to sort out my ideas and finally abandon much of my thinking about religion in general and JUU's in particular. I regularly advise recent departees form JWdom to cool it on religion for a while and let life heal some of the other issues. You have plenty of time to look around the world of belief systems and the further you are from JW influence, the more objective you can be.

  Probably no help, but in case it has, great. BTW, life has been very rewarding and fulfilling.

  carmel
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  jst2laws

  Scooby,

  It is difficult, but what of any value comes easily? Leaving behind your former beliefs and past life is a traumatic event. You go through this, what you are experiencing, as a normal part of the grief process. For a while it seems to get worse, but it will get a better. Therapy can accelerate the process.

  Some find balance and happiness in only a year or two. Others get stuck in the process and it can be delayed for years. That is where therapy can help.

  At least you have a community that understands, many who have been through the process.

  You will be happy again one day.

  Jst2laws
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  Steve Lowry

  Scoob,

  Just relax a little and learn to enjoy your newfound freedom. Remember that with freedom comes the responsibility of making good and wise decisions. And this too is a learning process that will take time. When you walked out of those Kingdom Hall doors, that was the first day of the rest of your life.

  The more you learn about the Watchtower Society and what you?ve been trained by them, you?ll begin to stack that "learning" up against real life situations and after a while you?ll start to notice a pattern. You?ve been given a bad or poorly working ?map?. Now its time to make your own map and custom tailor it for yourself.

  Don?t deny feelings of frustration, guilt and even fear. Embrace them. Pull back the layers of what you?re feeling and try to discover the core of those feelings. You?ll discover (over a period of time) that those feelings are mostly groundless and of no use in your life and psyche.

  No one (or group) can have control over an independent mind. Grow your mind.

  Good luck.

  Steve
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  Corvin

  I have been disfellowshipped for 14 years. I started to rebuild 8 years ago. I am now adding a second story thanks to my wonderful wife and so many of you here at JWD.

  [Edited to say] While I waited so long to get it through my thick ignorant head that I needed to move on, I do not recommend waiting so long. One really does need to constantly reinforce the new way of thinking, the truth about "the truth", as it were, just as we spent so much time allowing them to reinforce the extravegant lies within our hearts and minds. It is truly a difficult thing to unlearn what you have spent your entire life learning, believing . . . acting it all out on a very off-Broadway stage.

  The key to leaving and recovering, in my estimation, is a very good support system. You need to draw close to and surround yourself with those who can help reinforce a new and empowering belief system that enables you to move on and grow. Education is just as essential. The more you know about the org, the more clear it will stick in your mind that you are doing the right thing in leaving. For me, pouring over everything I have ever learned in org and pointing that critical finger right back at them really seems to help. Spotting specific hypocrisies and deceptions in the organization inspires me move ahead knowing that I am only walking away from mere shadows . . . ghosts of ignorance and intolorance masquerading as love and truth.

  Corvin
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  Black Sheep

  I just wrote one of the longest posts I have ever posted anywhere...

  .....and it crashed.

  It will take too long to rebuild.

  Bummer
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  bull01lay

  Hey Scooby..
  I was DF'd 12 years ago, and to some extent am STILL rebuilding my life, even now. I think there is a part of me that will always be conditioned by the way I was brought up - some of it I'm grateful for - some of it still gives me nightmares, feelings of guilt, panic attacks when I see the news and think of how bad the world is getting - armageddon must be round the corner!!! As I put in one of my other posts, I still DAREN'T speak out as openly against the organisation as many do here!! I guess my healing still has a way to go!

  That's why I'm here, and I guess the same goes for you too. Here's hoping!!!!!

  As regards rebuilding a social life - that happened quite quickly. Don't focus on the loss of witness 'friends' - easier said than done I know, but any true friend would not shun you. My experience there - one of the best friends I ever had during my witness upbringing went 'cold' upon my DF'ing, or so I though. He became an elder, 'respectable pillar of society'... now he's on here with the rest of us!!! He didn't go cold - I did!! My lifelong conditioning meant that I didn't try and contact him, through not wanting to compromise his beliefs!!!! He's the one that sought me out (for which I'm eternally grateful.... I think! ) and introduced me to this group - LT you have a lot to answer for!!!

  Religion - I can't deny that there is a deeply spiritual side to me, but so far still have not looked to worship again in any 'organised' religion. Sixofnine - I think you may win that bet!! J

  ust take your own time and return to it, IF and WHEN it feels right for you. It's all about YOUR relationship with God, no-one elses.

  Cheers matey....