JW - non JW relationships (page 2)

waiting

Hello Simon - and welcome to our forum.....thanks for the personal account.

Almost any "theocratic" jw family will try nearly anything to get their family member back in. If love doesn't work....then guilt, shunning, lying, trying to turn their children from them, banishment from all family functions....all this will be used as a form of "theocratic warfare". Afterall, to them, they're fighting for the real spiritual & physical life of that family member.

My husband's mother makes his love for her sooooo much harder. No mother uses guilt better than that old woman.

I've known of families which were shredded because of the jw's. Of course, the jw's believe it's "the world's fault".....never their own. How could it be? They're doing "God's Will."

There's no winning.....only leaving.

waiting

sjf84

"If love doesn't work....then guilt, shunning, lying, trying to turn their children from them, banishment from all family functions....all this will be used as a form of "theocratic warfare"."

Yep been there, experienced all those things and a lot more, when my girlfriend's parents were trying to "rescue" her from the evil grip of normality!!

"There's no winning.....only leaving."

Exactly. Nothing more to say.

A Paduan

You know those movies where someone says, "That place is cursed", and a hero barely escapes, wounded - and whoever that the accursed creatures get hold of dies or nearly dies - and if you take away the totem, the place collapses.

It's something like that.

bull01lay

Hi Simon,

Sorry to hear you had your guts ripped out, matey!

You've found a good place to vent, rant, cry... whatever it take to heal. Hope you rebuild your life quickly, and while at the minute it will sound like no consolation to you - you are the lcuky one. You might have been tempted eventually to 'go the other way', which is no guarantee that you'd keep the love you felt at first - many here have already had similar wounds, including myself.

Good luck picking up those pieces.......

Bull!.

Fe2O3Girl

When I was a very miserable doubting JW, it was the relationship with a non-JW that gave me the lifeline and the confidence to jump ship.

I never went back.

In the end, he finished with me, and it really broke my heart, but I will never forget that he gave me my freedom.

sjf84

Yeh cheers for that Bull! And although my girlfriend never tried to get me to join, I did briefly consider 'going the other way' so that I could be with her. Because she was my whole world. But I was a very brief consideration which is thankfully now completely passed. And the more I research this cult, and the more horror stories of the destruction this cult can cause in people's lives which I read about on message boards such as these, the more I do count myself lucky to be distanced from her and these fanatical beliefs. I still think about her every single day. But I know it's definitely best to let her go. And things can only get better in the long run!!!

myauntfanny

Welcome sjf

You're right, you're better off out of it. Even if she had stayed out, quite a few people want to go back when they have children, even if they've been out quite a while. And with kids the conflict gets 50 times more complicated.

There's always another train pulling into the station when you're 19, and the next one will be lots better, you'll see.

outbackaussie

I would have to disagree with you on this. I was a good little JW pioneer girl. Met a handsome, charming and *gasp* worldly man. We ran the gambit of hiding our affections, him studying to be "with me" , confessing my "sin" to the elders, being disfellowshiped for disobedience (not breaking off the relationship as my mother had instructed me to), being shunned by my JW family, having my aunt die and not be able to be part of her last days, getting married without my family to share my special day, struggling through the reinstatement process to be finally back in the congregation. And then finally realising what a farce it had all been. I left the JW behind, my family fortunately still talks to me, as I had been reinstated. My main point is that my husband of now 14 years, is still with me, he stayed with me through all the drama and tears and heartache that goes with separating from the witnesses. To advise people to give up on a relationship you are not a party to is a pretty big call. I am glad you didn't try talk my husband out of sticking with me! While I can sympathise with your experience, I would encourage you to remember that not everyone will go through what you have, nor deal with it as you did. Telling people to give up on a relationship because it is "too hard" is not loving or compassionate, it is bitter and condemning. I think most people would prefer the former.

HeyNow!

I have wasted so much love, so much energy, so much money, so much hope on this relationship

Seems any relationship related to the "Spoof" leaves a person feeling this way..

jgnat

I am a non-JW married to a JW. I think this statement of yours sums the problem up nicely:

My mistake was thinking that our love - and it really was true love - would be enough to overcome any problems that we had based on our religious beliefs

I married my man fully armed with the knowledge of what I was getting in to. If we win or fail, it will not be because of any ignorance on my part. Problem-questions I hear from non-JW partners are:

"How can I get him/her to wake up to the stupidity?" You can't. You can't make anybody do something they are not ready to do. If you manage to coerce your partner to change, you are in love with weakling, and you are no better than the society.

"How can I convince him/her that going back to the society is a mistake? You can't. People have the free will to make their own mistakes.

"He/she tells me that dating a non-JW is not a big deal, but he/she has not even introduced me to his/her family yet." Self-deception runs deep in JW-world. If you haven't been introduced to the family yet, your truelove is either lying to you, to themselves, or both.

My honey and I talked about the relative risks of marrying each other at length. Also in our favour, there were no immediate relatives opposing our plans. The pitfalls in a mixed relationship are pretty obvious. Big surprise, love is not enough. We have to be brutally honest with ourselves and our partners about our motives and desires. Even if we think their choice in religion is stupid, we must respect their freedom to make that choice. There is always the risk that the JW will chose this very demanding religion over you.

Can you share your partner with the WTBTS?

JW - non JW relationships

Share this