What's the craziest thing you ever heard at the Kingdom Hall or Assembly?

by Mr Ben 32 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mr Ben

  What's the craziest thing you ever heard at the Kingdom Hall or Assembly Hall?

  There were lots of crazy ideas coming from elders, CO's & DO's in my neck of the woods, but one in particular sticks in my mind.

  It was the very last Circuit Assembly at Hellerby in Yorkshire (HELL! er... BYe!) I attended and it was a talk by the new CO. (I cannot remember his name now.)

  It was about the evil Internet! Basically he ranted on and on and to be fair he was so animated that it was a masterly comic performance. At one point he was in a bent over position typing on a pretend keyboard when he dispensed his divine wisdom:

  CO - "Look at the position the worshipers of the internet are in when they are at the keyboard. Haven't you noticed it's like bowing down? That's exactly what it is! Bowing down before Satan! Communication with and worshiping the Devil!"

  I couldn't believe it! I almost laughed out loud it was such an utterly imbecilic trail of thought! I managed to bite my tongue though, as I was an attendant at the time. Afterwards everyone was equally raving and ranting and saying how grateful they were to find out logging on was in fact the latest form of Devil worship! Totally mental!

  What was the wackiest thing you ever heard?
• 

  Quotes

  LOL! That is priceless.
  
  I encourage this sort of behaviour from COs. Why? Because it is so extreme it will help to wake up and force out intelligent, thinking individuals like yourself. For the rest, they are probably better off safe-and-sound inside and institution, for their own good.
  
  The wackiest thing I ever heard: That I have an imaginary friend in the sky who loves all humans so much he is going to kill most of them real soon now.
• 

  JH

  Well...

  Back in 1990 at the District Assembly, a brother said to do more for Jehovah since the end was less than 10 years away...

  I should have recorded this.
• 

  simplesally

  I should light some candles before I log on next time!

  Or would genuflecting be better?????
• 

  Elsewhere

  At an assembly I did an elder's daughter under the stage durring a talk.

  Ok, ok... I admit it... I didn't really do that... but damn that would have been fun!
• 

  confusedjw

  A demonstration at a circuit assembly demonstrating how we should consult the WT Index before planning a family vacation. Done by a young couple - it helped them "agree" where to go for vacation.

  I think they want us to scoop out our gray matter entirely and replace it with the WT Index.

  It was my last assembly.
• 

  Big Tex

  The married couples who died before Armageddon and then resurrected would of course not be allowed to have sex or to have children. So as compensation Jehovah would resurrect all the aborted fetuses and those married couples could adopt them and raise them.

  Another was the CO who said that Jehovah does not hear the prayers of anyone who doubts. The only way to salvation was by blind obedience. Never ask questions.
• 

  iiz2cool

  CO - "Look at the position the worshipers of the internet are in when they are at the keyboard. Haven't you noticed it's like bowing down? That's exactly what it is! Bowing down before Satan! Communication with and worshiping the Devil!"

  I'm usually in this position for most of the day at work, but I'm not worshiping the devil. I don't go to the Watchtower's official web site.

  That I have an imaginary friend in the sky who loves all humans so much he is going to kill most of them real soon now.

  I love my computer so much I think I'll hit it with a hammer a few times. Maybe then its performance will improve. Yeah, makes a lot of sense.

  Back in 1990 at the District Assembly, a brother said to do more for Jehovah since the end was less than 10 years away...

  The pioneer that studied with me said he didn't give this system another 2 years. That was in 1977. I wonder if some of these guys remember their own words, and how stupid they sound.

  I've heard so much stupidity at meetings and conventions that I can't remember most of it. It's as though my brain is fried, like I took some really bad drugs. Or maybe I'm finally beginning to filter out some of the shit.

  Walter
• 

  Mr Ben

  Hahaha! This is great!

  Simplesally, speaking of genuflecting, you reminded me of something:

  More mad stuff from Hellerby Assembly Hall:

  The guy in charge of food (when they made meals) actually made any sister who wanted to work in the canteen kneel down before him. Seriously! If her skirt did not touch the floor he would not let her work at the canteen desk! (Which was waist high anyway!) Madness! But the poor single sisters suffered this humiliation just so all the single brothers could file past them and get a look at them.

  Oh, and the elder who gave the talk on dating and courtship, based no doubt on a 50 year old Watchtower magazine, at the crowning moment of his talk he puffed out his chest and proudly announced: ?When I was courting my wife we never even held hands until we were married!?

  WatchtowerWorld is one fucked up place!
• 

  Mr Ben

  Oh yes, the advice we were given at the District Assembly at Leeds United football stadium:

  ?If a gang of worldly football fans come in and start causing trouble, just surround them but keep your hand by your sides at all times even if they get violent.?

  Were they joking? Not using your hands in a fight with Leeds United football supporters? Call the ambulance! We?ll stare them into submission!