Getting "real" in personal relationships.................

Sunnygal41

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." The Skin Horse in "The Velveteen Rabbit"

I was killing some time looking at different topics on the Forum this morning, and I came across this wonderful, poignant comment in the INFP thread Gretchen started. And, LOL, being an INFP myself, I got to thinking about relationships and expectations and how today's "media" has twisted our viewpoints as to what is real and what is not. The fount of "reality" television programs, including the latest one entitled "Swan" (supposedly they take "ugly duckling" women and turn them into the Fairy Tale Swan) which I have not even wasted my brain cells on watching, continues to amaze and perplex me..............no wonder our kids are having such a problem dealing with life, and that divorce is so prominent with this "~~standard~~" thrust constantly in our faces. Thought I'd share the above quote here and see what everyone else had to say about it. I'm pretty sure most of us are familiar with the childhood favorite "The Velveteen Rabbit" that it's taken from............
Terri

Thank you Terri, I feel that needed to be said. I myself have felt the 'ugly' duckling and have people judge me on appearance. They do not know me, they do not know the reasons, nor do they particularly care. They just make snap decisions. The fact is, we all have something worn. I agree how media has twisted our view and how we deal with our relationships with people.

We base our impressions of people ~ by appearance, by how they present themselves. These snap decisions.We don't know always the real stories behind the relationships and expectations. Today's "media" has twisted our viewpoints as to what is real and what is not, yet do we allow them to think for us? That is the question, I wonder at times.

X

new light

The popular culture needs a serious lesson on getting real. MTV has a show (I don't know the name) where people are made to look like their idols. This includes extensive plastic surgery. OK, how 'bout spending that money to get that person in deep therapy, where they can get to the bottom of why they have such a distorted self-image.

Your quote made my day, Terri! Sometimes it seems like a person who doesn't put on appearances is destined to be alone, at least when starting from scratch socially. But you know what? Those words reassured me that I am indeed on the right track, that I don't need to fit into a shallow, prefabricated mold to entice a self-absorbed, cosmetically-enhanced, club rat into mutual membrane agitation and fluid exchange. I'm a romantic, what can I say?

BTW, I would describe myself as an INFP with testosterone. I think and feel and love deeply, but I am not afraid of necessary conflict nor do I take things personally. Basically, I'm the perfect man, LOL! Hey ladies....

Maverick

Here in America the emphasis is on packaging. Manufacturers will often spend more money on the package than the value of the product. This mentality has spilled into our everyday mindset and we apply it to ourselves and to others. I was in an accident as a small child and have had numerous surgeries to fix my face over the years and have seen so many people, mostly women, in the waiting room of the surgeon who looked great complain about some very minor "flaw" you'd think they had their face wiped off in a train wreck! I'm not saying I see anythink wrong with having surgery to fine tune a persons looks. But developing good character traits and a pleasant personality should be just as or even more important. I wonder if all those scum-bag lawyers have infected the population with their negativistic focusing on the flaws and imperfections in life so most people are Shallow Hals?

Let's face it, the beautiful people like their edge and promote their gift of good looks. On the flip-side those of us not so blessed work harder, care more, and have greater love than the ingrate genetic celebrities, and in the end they look like shit and it is harder on them than us! Maverick

Sunnygal41

(((((Everyone))))))

Glad to see that we all have hearts and souls here, and that we are not concerned with outer looks..........personally, I've fought low self esteem all my life, from growing up in a violently alcoholic home. Pair that with a weight problem originating from grandparents who stuffed me into a 33 lb. 6 month old that the doctor had to put on a diet...........and then add all the mind F**ng that the WTS did............but...........I would NOT be the compassionate, loving person I am today, without first hand experience of how it feels...........and I had to share those beautiful words with my friends here, hoping they would bring comfort and touch their hearts as they have touched mine. Be proud New Light that you are not shallow, you too, Mav. Xandria, when I was looking at those beautiful glowing faces of our "Texas Clan" kicking their heels up, it gave me a good feeling, one I've searched for all my life...........thanks, all of you, for being.

Terri

Sunnygal41

BTTT for more commentaries!

Special K

Well Sunny

If you make up here for my barbecue.. I'm gonna sit you way up high in one of my bar stools.. There is really high self esteem up there.. (I know because that is where I sit when I'm feeling low) You could stuper-vise all the barbecuin'.

This may sound funny but...You know when any of my kids feel low and down. I try to seat them in a position of being higher than I am. It unconciously makes them feel a bit better I have noticed.

Swan show was really a something wasn't it. I couldn't believe it. I don't see how they could even run that show... with so many young girls trying to get the model figure etc.. eating disorders.. What that program is saying is .. got the money "we can fix that".. Maybe it was sponsored heavily by plastic surgeons or something. I got my fingers crossed that it won't make next seasons line up. ...

sincerely

Special K

bem

(((Terri)))

Thanks for the excerpt. I haven't read that book in years I'll have to get it to read to my grand-daughter. I agree with above posters. You have made my day start off so much better. short time I have been on the forum has helped me so much.((((everyone))))

bem

Markfromcali

once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand...

I haven't read the Velveteen Rabbit actually, being a cultural transplant, but I think this last part up here is very significant.

It isn't just about looks, it's about understanding. Sometimes people who get down and depressed try some form of positive conditioning - in other words fake it till you make it. That never worked for me, and I was pretty depressed for years after leaving. It just always struck me as ridiculous, why would I want to pretend I'm up and happy when I'm really not?

The image of that kind of false self esteem is what's ugly, simply because it isn't real. It's like psychological cosmetics. I don't care how much of a mess someone is, there IS beauty in being real in that way, and you can't help but be touched by it. And how can you understand if you are lying to yourself? If you think being sad and depressed, having low self esteem is ugly, then you don't understand. That doesn't change how you feel of course, and its certainly no good to be in that state chronically. But the point is everything that is real is beautiful, isn't it? Why do we value such expressions in art and the like? Isn't it because it's simply a reflection of the reality of life? And inherent in this is really unconditional love. Nothing is left out, even the sadness.

So to me it isn't about outer appearance as opposed to the inner, it's more about embracing it all, all that is real. Why would you want to live any other way?

Thunder Rider

How true ......"to people that don't understand"

Getting "real" in personal relationships.................

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