Hello everyone! I could really use some advice. I have never been a witness, but my boyfriend is(3rd generation). His father is an elder, and his whole family is really into it. I attended a few meetings to try it out...but luckily it was NOT for me. However, this put a strain on the relationship as to where it was going. We have tried breaking up so many times, but always coming back to each other like an hour later. Its really hard to have all of these feelings and to have this religion come between us. He is so torn...he was questioning things and so close to leaving the org. so we could be together until the elders called a meeting with him. He came back with a completly new mindset! I just could NOT believe it. I was just like hmmmmm...its funny how much you change your mind about things after you talk to these people. he replied.."they just made me realize..." i cut him off by saying I bet they did!! It made me want to find answers. I started doing a lot of research and I have found out so much. Especially after reading Diane Wilson's book "Awakening of a Jehovahs Witness." It really helped me to see the mind games they play, and how they can control and minipulate these people from a first hand experience. They seem to be completely controlled by fear! My heart really goes out to them, especially my boyfriend. He is my best friend and means the world to me and I want to help him. Despite my heart being broken by him because of this religion..i continue to stick by his side. I will not turn my back on him or stop talking to him like the witnesses would do. I want to show him how much i really do love and care about him. It breaks my heart to see him so torn between being with me, and serving jehovah. He gets so upset when we talk about not being together in the future...seriously crying...throwing up...lying there not knowing what to do..what to think...fearing losing his life to be happy with me. It tears me to pieces because I know what HE WANTS. and I know what he is willing to do until the elders scare him out of it...has anyone had a similar experience or any good advice besides letting him go? I want to save his life...if we are together or not...
advice please!
by blondy 13 Replies latest social relationships
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hooberus
It breaks my heart to see him so torn between being with me, and serving jehovah.
Unfortunately he is not really serving Jehovah, but instead he is serving an organizaion that uses Jehovah's name
He gets so upset when we talk about not being together in the future...seriously crying...throwing up...lying there not knowing what to do..what to think...fearing losing his life to be happy with me.
What do you mean by "fearing losing his life"?
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oscar
These matters take time I too was raised as a jw and my wife now is not and Ihad to hear counsel from elders and they really work mind games with you and give you this big guilt trip,anyways I chose my wife over the org. she showed me what real true christian love is and I think you have to be patient and show your friend that even though you are not a jw you have so much to offer and that he really examines his religion very closely.
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ethinAL
blondy-i am in the same situation as you, in fact it scared me when you were relating your story. my girlfriend is also jw(3rd gen.). we have been dating for awhile. it took a long time for her to tell me that she was a witness, and i have done some studying with her and her cousin- but they never made sense to me and my arguments made her question our relationship, we have broken up many times and gotten back together in short periods of time. i really love her but her father was "informed" by other jw's that she was dating. this was followed by her telling me she had to "repair her relationship" with jehovah and then she called after 3 days of not answering my calls or emails, she told me that she didnt know what love is and she can only have "friendships" with people. she sounded so insincere and unlike herself that i knew somebody had to have controlled or shamed(guilted) whatever. i am not versed in the bible so countering them scripturaly is somewhat hard and every attempt ive made trying to convince her to see the "truth" of the hypocrisy of those around her and those that control her life has been met with her telling me that they are given divine inspiration or whatever new line of crap they decide to spew forth that week. it frustrates me to see so many smart people taken advantage of because of a desire to know god or have faith- especially when its someone you love. thank you for the book reccomendation- if you would post more it would be greatly appreciated, kit and maybe we can help each other if possible. sorry this is so long but i have nowhere else to go ,thank you
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Scully
Only you know how much you are willing to take in terms of the vacillating back and forth between his desire to be with you versus his desire to be a good JW. Are you really willing to settle for someone who is going to make you compete for his affection, the other object of his affection being this Organization? Are you willing to settle for someone who will put your needs (personally and as a couple) second to the demands of an Organization?
The elders probably tell him that he will never qualify for Privileges™ if he stays with you. Privileges™ are very powerful and important tokens and incentives for male JWs. They range from something as simple as being able to associate with other JWs, to microphone handling, to stage hand, to literature servant, territory servant, pioneering, being an elder, etc, etc. His parents probably also put a lot of pressure on him to Reach Out™ for these Privileges™, and he is aware that his family's love, acceptance and approval is tied in with his performance as a JW.
To the JWs, you are more or less disposable. This is the sad, cold, hard truth.
Honestly, I think you deserve so much better: someone who is 100% with you, not someone who is wishy-washy about whether you are worth the "sacrifice".
Love, Scully
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jgnat
Acknowledge that in his worldview, that to be with you risks eternal death. Does he love you enough to risk death? As Scully as hinted, does he love you enough to forego all Priveledges TM ? Are you prepared to put your dreams on hold for years? Encouraging a person out of a cult is a lengthy process, and there is no guarantee of success. That is because, on principle, you cannot use coercive techniques to sway him to your way of thinking. Your goal will be to encourage him to excercise independent thought. He might independently decide to chose the cult over you. Here are some stories that may encourage you.
http://www.freeminds.org/family/family.htm
I find these scriptures to be a Christian fear-buster.
Mat 10:39 (BBE) He who has the desire to keep his life will have it taken from him, and he who gives up his life because of me will have it given back to him.
2 Ti 1:7 (Darby)
For God has not given us a spirit of cowardice, but of power, and of love, and of wise discretion. -
prgirl79
Wow I read what you wrote and my heart and stomach sank. I was in your position. I was with my ex for 5 years thinking i would not leave him and show him love unlike the elders who disfellowshipped him. We would go back and forth and there would be a lot of crying throwing up both sides it was horrible. He believed he was doomed. I thought he would move on at some point since he never went back, and he did a lot of reasearch so he knows the "truth", but that just enough. I know it hurts i am still hurting it has only been 6 months, and he continues to write to me i haven't responded. But to them you are not first. Sometimes you have to let go yes it hurts but in time you will be better off. You have to think about what you are willing to settle for. If you continue to be with him it's harder and you will go through more heartache. This is very stressful and draining and will continue to be believe me 5 years of that. I could not deal with it anymore and felt i deserved better. Believe me your worth more than someone who is as scully says wishy washy about whether you are worth it.
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Nosferatu
It really amazes me how many people come onto this site with this problem
He is my best friend and means the world to me and I want to help him. Despite my heart being broken by him because of this religion..i continue to stick by his side. I will not turn my back on him or stop talking to him like the witnesses would do.
I'll tell you something, sticking with the JWs is HIS decision. You can only influence him so far, but the ultimate decision has to be made by him. You're fighting a huge battle by yourself. You're up againse 6 million JWs who think the same way, act the same way, and have influence over him.
It's nice that you want to stick with him, and be different from the JWs, but he won't see it. Continuing to put energy into this will most likely result in wasted time. After a few years go by, you'll look back and think how the time has been wasted, when you could have been out persuing other interests. This is only 1 guy out of the whole earth. Most humans have the desire to be the "knight in shining armour", but to save everybody is far too much of a burden for one to carry.
In my opinion, it's not worth persuing someone who is cutting you out of your life, just because you don't belong to his religion. That's just as bad as someone not dating another person because their skin is a different color.
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blondy
thank you all for sharing your thoughts on my situation. It is good to know that im not alone. I still don't know what is going to happen. I go back and forth in what I want to do. His parents are making this even harder. They took his cell phone cuz it was in his dads name so he can't call me (even tho he went to get another one to talk to me), and they don't let him drive anywhere...they even drive him to work!!! cuz they found out we were talking after work on a regular basis. I just wish he had enough money to move out like he wants so he can make his own decisions. I realize this is crazy . . nd people are prolly thinkin..omg! why wont she just let him go...i realize that it might come to that...but im not there yet....once again..thank you all!! ~blondy~
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Fleur
hugs to blondy, ethin...all those in this position.
sadly, you cannot necessarily 'save him' from the organization, especially if his family is all the way in so far back (I'm speaking from experience as a 4th generation jw here). as someone who eventually got out, i can tell you that no one could have 'gotten me' out before i was ready to leave myself. it just can't happen, the indoctrination is too strong, the consequences too great; losing your entire family.
unless he is truly willing to walk away from everyone, and everything in his life to be with you, you will never get a fair shake in this relationship. it will always be a threesome; a triangle between you, him, and great "Jehovah the angry sky god". you can't win that battle.
i know you don't want to hear this, but honestly, this is the advice I would give anyone who was in the position you are in; try to put a few ideas into their head about how the organization isn't all it says it is...see how they take it. if they bolt...then they are not likely going to be able to stand the heat of the elders, parents, or anyone else who will do all they can to convince him/her that you are the very devil.
get out while you can, and find someone who can love you with their whole heart. be sure that he/she knows how much you truly love them, but that you can't watch them self destruct this way by being torn in two over you.
keep us posted, i wish you luck...and if you have any questions ask, this is the place to get answers.
hugs,
fleur