Does Anyone Else Ever Encounter This???

by ohiocowboy 24 Replies latest social relationships

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  ohiocowboy

  I have been in a relationship for about 2-1/2 years now, and it seems that every time we have an argument or disagreement, it usually turns out to be my fault according to the other person, and my upbringing as a JW is always brought into the light, and also my depressive moods, this person knowing background of my exit from the org. and the feelings it has caused me. It feels as though they are using this as a "Scapegoat", because even if that person comes home in a bad mood, or has to do something that they don't like, and an argument insues, I automatically am made the "Bad Guy", even though I was previously in a good mood before things started, and am reminded by this person how I must not be taking my antidepressants, or am thinking too much about my past, etc. I freely admit that I have my moments-(If there ever were a poster child for male PMS, I would be a likely candidate), but I think it is a little unfair that this other person has no problems-(Sarcasm), and knowing that I am in a different situation seems to make me an easy target for blame. This person was never JW, but encountered people while growing up who were, and never really cared much for them, so was familiarized a little about their teachings. I spend my life trying to heal from my upbringing, yet I am constantly being reminded of it by the other person as being the root to all of our problems. Usually we get along, but lately both of us are ready to throw in the towel.....

  Has anyone else had/have a similar experience, and how do you deal with it?
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  truthseeker1

  Its always my fault, but its not because of my JW backgroung. That should never be used against you in an arguement. Its like telling a recovering alcoholic "Thats because you used to be a drunk" in an argument. Not called for.

  Its always my fault cuz I'm the guy.
• 

  Bubbamar

  Yes Ohio - I have really bad PMS too!! (haha) In my relationship I am also the only who is ever grumpy, depressed, or whatever. My partner is patient though and doesn't throw it in my face. It is hard when I feel like I have a bizarro history compared to other "normal" people. That's also my strength though. I have survived and do my best to take care of myself so I'm not hard to put up with. I have a good friend who says, "we teach people how to treat us." Just something to think about.

  ((hugs to you))
• 

  desib77

  ((((Ohio))))

  Desi
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  kls

  Same here except it is my up bringing of mental abuse and physical abuse. I am told the same ,did you take your anti depressents , or is it your time of the month or you are as crazy as your family. My husband never takes any blame for anything and according to him does nothing wrong. Everything is my fault and when i mention something he does it comes back to me as i am the over reacting.
• 

  Nosferatu

  Its always my fault cuz I'm the guy.

  Bingo! You're experiencing a perfectly normal relationship with a woman. Women never like to be wrong. Even when they admit it, they stay pissed off for a lengthy amount of time afterwards. It's perfectly normal. I've experienced this with every woman I was with.

  Whenever you're not in the wrong, stand your ground. If she's completely in the wrong, and she knows it, keep standing your ground! Don't apologize when there's no need. She'll get mad at your for making her feel like shit, she'll bring up the past, and do things to avoid the subject, but make her stick to it. There's no need in intensifying the argument by bringing up stuff from the past, or moving onto a different topic to argue about.

  Even when she's pissed off afterward, she'll get over it. It doesn't last forever.
• 

  CountryGuy

  Hey OC,

  I know that my partner and I have issues like this. I think any relationship does. Nosferatu is right, men and women think differently, but more essentially people think differently. It all boils down to our life experiences.

  Not to sould like Dr. Phil or anything... but, dang it, he's right most of the time. When we were fighting more than usual, it was a communications thing. It wasn't that we weren't talking and weren't hearing each other; we weren't listening. I know it sounds corny, but when he says something that pushes my button, (after I fly off the handle and then apologize) I tell him, "You just said, 'Blah blah.' But what I heard was 'Blah blah blah.'" Or, "our comment made me feel yada yada yada."

  As far as your partner not having been a JW, no matter how hard they try, they are never going to understand everything you have gone through. My partner is a wonderful, caring person, but when I talk about my past as a JW, his eyes start glazing over and he goes on auto-pilot. Communicate your feelings with your partner, let them know how it feels when your past is brought up just to be used against you.

  Hope all gets better for you,
  Country
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  Sassy

  typically if someone is unhappy in a relationship, they will find things to pin it on the other person, so as to escape blame. No doubt if you have never been a JW, it would have been something else about you to pin blame on. I'm sorry you are going through this..
• 

  RAYZORBLADE

  Buddy.

  I've been out of the Borg. for over 20 years now.

  That arguement; the one your partner has tossed into your wrestling ring, holds as much water as a seive.

  I don't know the person, but well.....having been down the road more than a few times in the last 20+ years, I can tell you: ammunition, known/unknown, is ammunition nonetheless.

  I don't know you from jack squat, but from what I am reading without any personal association with either of you; you being a former JW, well.....having been down the road of 'oh you were a JW' blah-blah-blah round of pot shots, well...eventually, I was able to deflect them.

  How?

  I dropped the bastard.

  I'm not suggesting you do this. Again, I don't know you or your partner.

  I've said this to straight/bi/gay folks: "True love can never be used as a weapon".

  Think about it.

  If one participates in the verbal/physical/mental abuse: participates in its perpetuation.

  If one can discuss or deal with these issues one-on-one, I take my hat off to you both.

  Forgive my candor, but well.....I couldn't resist having had 20+ years outside of the JWs, most of which were without any internet support, or support period.

  Hoping for the best for you.

  Grab this one by the horns.

  Could be a healing session worthy of two.
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  scotsman

  Ditto what Ray says.

  The dubs didn't eat me with guilt, and I won't let any partner either. I'd rather be alone.

  Good luck.