any suggestions for my "family problems"

by 1m2y3j 19 Replies latest social family

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  outbutnotdown

  Sorry to hear about your predicament, 1m2y3j. I have a couple of opinions on it, if they can help at all. Unlike Fed Up's opinion (and no offence intended Fed Up), people that allow others to be abusive without stepping in are still somewhat guilty of being abusive themselves. So, I wouldn't stay with your hubby just to try to one-up the in-laws. Mean, abusive people hurt us, even if we try to put a front up that they don't. Having said that, you are the only one who really knows how much it hurts and you should ultimately do what you feel is right for you.

  As far as staying together for the kids..... I can only go by my personal experience. I was in a very abusive relationship for years and finally left, hoping that it wouldn't hurt the kids too much. Not only do I feel much better, but I found out that I can accomplish more good for my kids outside of that relationship than I could trying to stay in it and "protect" them.

  Trust me, kids are very perceptive even if they don't express it. They can tell that there is tension in a relationship, even if there is no violence or arguing, so in your situation, I would say that what is hhappening with the in-laws is DEFINITELY hurting them. I wish you the best and it sounds like you are a caring person, so trust your gut.

  Take care,

  Brad
• 

  wasasister

  This is something I have done repeatedly over the years, but he makes excuses for his family and says it will just take time for his them to accept me.

  This is telling. The fact that you've been with your spouse 30 years and YOU need to give THEM time? How much time? Couple hundred years?
  

  The situation is only slightly dissimilar to my own. There are times when you tough things out for the good of people you love. Sometimes, it's not a sign of weakness but of strength to defer your own happiness if your children need you. I had to postpone my separation one year and live with a man I could not stand because my daughter got engaged and I could not drop "the bomb" on her during the happiest time of her life. So I endured another year after 25 crappy ones. A small price to pay and she's grateful to this day.

  However....if your children know you are unhappy and will not be personally affected by the divorce, you may need to show them the consequences of not working on a relationship. If your spouse is too much of a woos to stand up to an abusive family, demonstrate that it is NOT OK to disrespect you by inaction.

  Thirty years is a long time. Is there any part of this relationship you want to preserve? Would it be worth the effort to seek counselling or move away from the offensive relatives? Do you love this person and want to grow old together? What is your financial situation and how would you fare with one income?

  These are important questions that only you can answer. We all have had our own experiences and baggage. We're here to listen, but truly, this has to be your decision. I suspect you already know in your heart what you want and have come here to reinforce that decision.

  Kindest regards,

  Wasasister

  edited to add: sorry FedUp, but I don't think screaming is ever a good idea, whether you are posting on a discussion board or speaking to others. If you can't get your point across by using calm words, you may not have much of a point to start with.

  edited a second time: I realized I made an assumption you are female, when you carefully avoided any reference to gender in your initial post. Sorry.
• 

  bem

  My in-laws are hateful not because they are Jws. But mean all the same. My older children,there dad, and myself. were recruited into the wts. by door ta door visits. about 7 years into our marriage of 26 years now.We had a son after we were baptized he's now 15 years old. I have always had a bitter relationship with my in-laws & was never supported or defended by my husband. Before the jw years he was physically violent. During those years he was not violent but he became controlling. Now we are inactive.He still belives but stopped attending. The control has become worse than ever.with a return of the violent tendencies. The children have even been mis-treated by his mom. And my mom. I put up the mis-treatment dumped on me but would not put up with it on the kids. The m-n-law never see's the kids she's a thousand miles away. my mom is 12 miles away and she never see's them either it's there fault for being so hateful. We can take some things thats normal but there has to be a line especially when you are hurt or emotionally damaged by the actions of others. Thye even have a 4 year old great-grand-daughter That they are missing seeing her grow up because they want to get away with whatever they want to do or say and the kids will not allow it. I know every situation is different.I never stuck up for myself for years.I lived a false life to keep "the peace". Gave up parts of myself.So things would run smoothly.So there would be no problems. It's taken years to get to this point but I felt myself dying inside for too long so before it consummed me. I am ending my marriage. As for my children.We had a family meeting this last Sunday,we openly discussed why I'm divorcing this man. everyone was there so we all got the story at the same time. There will be no mistakes.No reason for the kids to ask each other what have you heard? Again it's not that I'm recommending this as the answer to every situation. Incidently my adult son & daughter told me they were surprised I hadn't done this years ago.They also said that it would not change the way they feel about either there dad or me. The 15 year old is a different story he has a rocky relationship with his dad. I'm put in the position at times of keeping him safe from his dad.

  I'm not sure I'm much help just the way I had to cope.but your not alone. bem. wishing you the best
• 

  jgnat

  1. How many children do you have?
  2. How old are they?

  I need to know this before I can give informed advice. Besides leave-or-stay, there are things you can do to reinforce your individuality and to learn how to stand up for yourself. By the time you are finished with your self discovery, it may become much clearer which direction you want to take.

  http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/stayorgo/a/rightthingtodo.htm
• 

  1m2y3j

  Dear Fed Up,

  I like your name! You asked: ?30 years of marriage for the kids? sake? Aren't they GROWN by now?? We had been married 15 years before the children entered our lives, and they (twins) are now 16.

  Also, I do NOT feel inferior because of this abuse. You are right; the in-laws would like nothing better than for us to divorce. I would not get divorced because of the in-laws, but because of the problems between myself and husband. By the same token, I would not stay in the marriage to spite them.

  Dear Wasasister,

  You are absolutely right that ?There are times when you tough things out for the good of people you love. Sometimes, it's not a sign of weakness but of strength to defer your own happiness if your children need you.?

  I do know I will not stay married after the children are ready to leave, but I am looking for suggestions on how to specifically help them deal with these new problems.

  Dear BEM,

  You have described my sentiments ? Gave up parts of myself. So things would run smoothly. So there would be no problems. It's taken years to get to this point but I felt myself dying inside for too long.?

  Both of my girls are aware of the strife and have confided that they would have left the marriage by now, but of course do not want their family broken up either. They know that I am staying around for there sakes.

  Dear Jgnat,

  I have read much advice on ?self-assertiveness,? ?co-dependency,? and ?getting-to-yes.? These have all been helpful in that they have given me a more objective view of the problems in our relationship. Additionally, I am going back to college (with grants and scholarships) with the hope of preparing myself for being self-supporting when that time comes.

  Thanks for the link,

  and thanks to all for the time you spent to write,

  1m
• 

  jgnat

  1m, I am impressed with the steps you are taking to make your life lovely. There is a great booklet published by our federal government, I will see if I can find the link today.

  Found it! This booklet helps parents and children navigate the emotional waters through separation and divorce.

  http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/mentalhealth/mhp/pdf/booklet.pdf
• 

  Fed Up

  Additionally, I am going back to college (with grants and scholarships) with the hope of preparing myself for being self-supporting when that time comes.

  Hey! We're even MORE alike! You're going back to school? So did I! And OH! Couldn't even BELIEVE the number of grants and scholarships out there for returning "nontraditional students"--I had no idea! And if you're over 25? You don't have to APPLY for college, you just walk in to pretty much the college of your choice and just sign up for classes!

  I had that same "hope" of being self-supporting, but as I was almost 40 when I graduated, was more than a little concerned that my age would have a negative effect on my ability to compete in the job market, and that I would never get that far. Well, HOLY COW! I'm THRILLED to tell you how very wrong I was! All I can say is--stay in school--it's WELL worth it!

  Unlike Fed Up's opinion (and no offence intended Fed Up), people that allow others to be abusive without stepping in are still somewhat guilty of being abusive themselves.

  I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression, my husband DOES support me, and we have a very GOOD relationship.But his parents are rather elderly, and he doesn't want his last words to them to be spoken in anger or hatred. He doesn't yell at them, but he DOES get up, walk out the door, comes home and tells me every word they said, and then lets ME handle THEM! He has TRIED to discuss it with them, and so has the REST of of his relatives, but everything that he, and THEY say, just goes right over his parents heads! My yelling has at least had SOME effect, all the "discussing" in the world has had NONE!

  sorry FedUp, but I don't think screaming is ever a good idea, whether you are posting on a discussion board or speaking to others. If you can't get your point across by using calm words, you may not have much of a point to start with.

  Oh really??? OK, I'll admit my initial post on these boards was out of line, but anyone who actually KNOWs me in REAL life would roll on the floor laughing if they heard you say that to ME! The first 10 years I was with my husband I was NICE to my in-laws, because I wanted them to LIKE me! Then, after my husband and I had been together for 10 YEARS, his ex-wife broke up with her 2nd husband, and HIS parents tried to break US up, so he would go back to HER--assuming HE had been secretly "desiring" HER the WHOLE time he had been with ME! And they did NASTY things to me, ASSUMING that HE would approve! My husband was at the point of never speaking to his own parents again, and THAT'S when I started screaming--and it was more to protect HIM from having to do it himself, so HE would not end up in a permanent "rift" with his own parents.

  And it DID work--for the next 10 years, but now his ex has divorced AGAIN, and her and HIS parents are at it again!

  I have 2 stepdaughter who I am VERY close to. We get along GREAT--until his parents show up and start SCREWING with their heads and have been involving THEM! Before I was pissed, now I'm LIVID! OK?
• 

  Lehaa

  Dear 1m welcome.

  I hope i can help.

  My parents were witnesses and always had a difficult relationship, very different backgrounds, did not see eye to eye a lot. They stayed together "because of the kids" and because" they were good witnesses".

  They divorced after my sister and I left home and got married. The divorce was a bit messy and did stress us a bit, a lot sometimes. Probably to do with the fact that they left the organisation as well, and my dad was having an affair.

  I do wish that they has done it years ago as the home life was quite stressful at times.

  i was married for 10 years and the whole relationship did not work, a lot of fighting etc. (and i never got on with my inlaws, they've never liked or aproved of me). In the end i decided that I did not want to put my kids, 6 and 2, through the same child hood that i had so my husband and i are now separated. Things are much better under our roof now.

  My sister and i survived our parents divorce and are just happy that our parents are now a lot happier. They now have got on with their lives and are now married.

  It was all tough to go through but things are good now.

  You need to work out what is best for you but i thought that this may help.

  I wish you all the best in whatever you do,
• 

  outbutnotdown

  1m,

  I found it kind of interesting that you had five replies in between your last comments/replies.......

  one from jgnat, one from bem, one from wasasister, one from Fed Up and one from me: outbutnotdown. Yet the only one you didn't reply to in your comment was me.... outbutnotdown... although you did reply to Fed Up with a similar thought to mine... that you shouldn't/wouldn't stay with your ex to "show them" (in-laws). I did mention that I had been in a very abusive relationship myself..... something that, with all the political and emotional bombardment about how many women are abused... (and I don't question that they are, very unfortunately).... but I feel that we are falling into a bad situation where we, as a society, believe that women cannot be abusive towards men. I know, for one, that I had trouble admitting that I could be abused.... much like the most extreme case like a rape, it is hard to admit, because you tend to blame yourself, due to the traumatizing effect is has on you.

  Can you tell me if that long-shot chance had anything to do with the fact that the other four were women and that I am a man?

  It seems like too much of a coincidence but you may be able to change my mind, if my opinion is obviously off. I hope that women are quicker to admit that they may have a problem with it than men have been at the same thing.

  Brad
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  1m2y3j

  Dear Outbutnotdown,

  You have mail.

  1m