Thanks to XenaWarrior and HempLover, I can?t just pretend it didn?t happen. Yep, I?m old(er).
And thanks to:
Shotgun, morton68, BigTex & Nina, Andi, Teri, Ang, KimPossible, ascot, Stef, gumbarstard, Lowalisa, SimplySallyful, Dyaneferahug (cruisin?ferabruisin? :P~), stillajw (still?!), Sassy, Special K, Sirius Dogma, tink (tink! *wink* thanks for dipping your sacramentoes into my Brookday thread you sweet thang and my favourite veterinarian), notpracticedenoughyet (and quit fantasizing about killing me, dammit! I never baptized anyone), Jerry, Chevys , Celtic, ya ruddy balmpotsmoker!, dh, euphemistically euphemism, and last but definitely not least, FrenchFreedomLips ;-)
?..for all your birthday wishes.
HempLover, thank you for the massage?. Wait?. That doesn?t sound right! Thank you and Fosl for the massage?.er.. that really doesn?t sound right.
As birthdays you?d love to avoid go, this one was pretty good. Really, the only bad part was looking at what I didn?t get done in the year since my last day of personal honor and worship in opposition to God. But, hope springs eternal is my thing. No seriously, I think I?ve found someone to produce my lesbian hippie/prison/chic script ?Hope Springs Eternal?.
FOSL insisted on staying the day with me, even though she knew I?d probably work most of the day. That made my day. We did get to go see the movie Saved together (a great humorous look at fundies in high school).
And then today. Today I got the best birthday present I?ve ever received, and it came from my Jehovah?s Witness sister. It is a handwritten letter, two note-pages long, telling me the story of how she always thinks of me on June 10, because for some reason she?d gotten that date for my birth in her head when I was a baby, until mom corrected her a few years later (only in a JW family) to the 15 th .
Then she said some stuff about me coming into her life that made me cry. Good stuff. The last time she made me cry, it wasn?t over good stuff, and she didn?t even do it directly. My mom had felt the need to let me know (since they hadn?t in any way shape or form, other than a bit more distance) that my sisters and other family where not untouched by my leaving the religion?. ?in fact, M** feels like you have died? I believe is how it was put.
It cut right to the bone, and I think mom regretted having let it come out immediately. She hemmed, she hawed, she softened it. I am a lucky apostate I know. You don?t all get that I know. I suppose I?ve demanded it; with my tears, with my anger, with my righteous indignation? but the truth is, I?m lucky to have the family I have, the mother who leads the family by example of calm and reason so far as a JW can possibly exert those qualities.
So mom took my reaction back to my sister and they talked it over I?m sure, reasoned it out as best Jehovah?s Witnesses can reason stuff out, and soon enough my sister gave me a special hug, or put some extra love in her voice the next time I saw her or talked to her on the phone. That was all 3 or 4 years ago.
I wish I was closer with my sisters, it?s not just the religion that keeps it from being so. W/o writing an essay on each of us, let me just say that my sister is the type of person who, if not a JW, would wear Christmas and Easter and Halloween sweaters, and I am not (unless there?s a laugh to be had).
My sister would dote on me, back when she was 30ish and I was a late teen. Truth be known, I liked it, but I was also a little overwhelmed and mystified by it; I simply didn?t and don?t remember the times when that bond was built for her. Then would have been a good time to build an adult version of that bond I suppose, but honestly, at 18, I was a long way from being a grownup. I may have seemed very mature for my age at 18, but if I?ve learned anything about myself these past many years, it?s that I am a very late bloomer no matter how I seemed to other people. Maybe it?s different than simple immaturity in my case, maybe there were just walls (mostly self-imposed I think) between me and anything that could bring about growth?
So this letter, it?s a surprise, a really wonderful surprise. My sister took time to reflect and tell me about what my birth had meant to her, and to tell me she still cares very much.
She said that I was ?one of the best memories of her childhood?, and that means something, because what I do remember about her as kids, is how incredibly unjust and just plain harsh my father was to her, all-the-time (to my memory anyway). Since she is my half-sister, I assumed (and maybe rightly so) that this was dad being partisan. It rubbed raw my sense of fairness and love back then. I did, on rare occasion, *step in* scared shitless though I was. What I wish though, was that rather than having a memory of dad?s behavior or my feelings towards it, I had a memory of comforting and commiserating with my sister.
The distance between us all, it?s not all the religions fault of course, we come from poor, get-the-hell-out-and-don?t-let-the-rest-of-them-drag-you-down-too-much type families anyway, but I do think the One True Religion should have taught/encouraged/prodded my family to act like family.
Instead we?re just figuring it out on our own, with a little help from the world.
It's gonna be a great year, I can feel it.
