Even More Adventures at the District Convention
Well, I have once again found myself at that extravaganza of masochism, the District Convention. This year, however, since my kids were still in school, I was able to skip out on the first day, and join in for only the last two days. As part of the opening festivities on Saturday morning, the speaker commented on how enjoyable the previous day had been. I agreed wholeheartedly.
This year held another difference for me. For the first time, I attended in my formal capacity of ?Official Apostate Correspondent?. So, I began by attending upon the media room to introduce myself. After waking up the press liaison, he handed me a media packet and a lapel card marked ?JWD? (black with a small but tasteful skull and bones insignia), informed me of my impending destruction in the lake of fire and sulfur, and asked me for a contribution ? a harbinger of things to come.
Every year, I go to the District Convention, wondering if I will get enough material to do a humorous write-up for you guys. And, every year, I come away with more goofy stuff than I can write about. The Society never disappoints. In fact, as I strolled the corridors and interacted with the other drones, I was able to use that statement a number of times ? the society never disappoints. It is a phrase that works equally well from any perspective.
So, here is a short highlight of the program:
Saturday AM ? not nearly as enjoyable as Friday, due to the fact that I was actually in attendance.
Due to an unfortunate error at the lapel card factory, the assembly theme was misprinted as ?Walk with Dog?. A reprint would have cost tens of dollars, so the society just decided to run with it. It put an interesting spin on all of the talks.
Walking Progressively as Ministers ? Apparently, on Friday, a new brochure had been released. It is a replacement for the old book that had one page in every language in it, for use in territories where householders don?t speak any recognizable language. Have you ever wondered how long a talk could be when it is based on only one page of material? Well, the answer is an hour. As near as I could tell, the message seemed to be that if you talk really loud and slow, foreigners will be able to understand you.
Go on Walking as Jesus Christ Walked ? This part featured a demonstration where a lone brother let us in on his inner monologue as he considered his recent promotion. Apparently, he had landed the coveted job of Senior Janitor, and although the pay was good, it was taking him away from meetings and service. So, in other words, there was no down side at all.
Once again, donations were front and center. Every announcement featured a detailed explanation of how to donate by cash or cheque, and how to get a receipt. This year, however, they preceded every announcement with an explanation of how donations are used, and how much good they do. In fact, they even started using subliminal messages. Every now and then, just as I was dozing off, I noticed that someone would say ?donate? in a low voice, just slightly quieter than the speaker. This happened three or four times. Then, the voice said, ?Are you donating, yet??
Saturday PM
Avoid any Cause for Stumbling ? This portion featured a demonstration portraying a young couple who had recently moved into a new congregation. Although they greatly enjoyed the new group, it apparently had slightly different standards regarding dress, grooming, and alcohol consumption. So, the brother found it necessary to counsel his wife. I jotted down the exchange:
?Now, Heidi, I notice that the sisters in this congregation have different standards from our previous congregation. In order to fit in and avoid stumbling anyone, do you think you could possibly wear a little more makeup like Sister Ho (she?s Oriental, get your minds out of the gutter) or perhaps slit your skirts a little higher, like Sister Skank (she?s ? umm ? Yugoslavian).
?And, Jeremy, don?t you think you should take the lead by being the first Ministerial Servant with a nipple ring??
We also learned that ?mature? entertainment is not for Christians. Somehow, that seems appropriate.
Walking in the Path of Increasing Light ? This portion featured some very encouraging experiences. One father told of his yearly family trip to Bethel. On the last visit, he asked his oldest son what impressed him most about the trip. He expected him to say something like the printing presses. Instead, the boy replied that he liked the seamstress shop, but the best part was the landscapers who were working without their shirts, and their rippling muscles were glistening with sweat. I think the boy will fit right in at Bethel.
Another brother told about his determination to learn Russian, because he heard that there is a great need for mature brothers in Russia. And, the Russian chicks are really hot for mature Canadian brothers with green cards.
Another young brother, whom I will call Randy (for reasons that will soon be obvious), had trouble getting through his evening Bible reading before falling asleep. So, he decided that he would wake himself up by masterbating vigorously before and after personal study. This has the added benefit of giving him something to repent of when he prays.
Sunday AM
Daily Text Reminders Help us to Go On Walking With Dog ? The discussion of the day?s text featured a young family at breakfast. The father posed the question, ?When is Jehovah watching us?? The little girl responded, ?Well, I know he?s watching when I?m in the bathroom, because I can see him peeking.? The father quickly cut her off and went on to his son, who said, ?Well, he watches when I surf for porn on the internet.? And, his wife added, ?Well, he wasn?t watching when you gave me that black eye.?
Youths ? Walk in the Path of Righteousness ? Here we learned that birthday parties are bad. Sure it?s all fun and games until someone gets beheaded, which is guaranteed to happen at every party.
A young brother gave his experience of turning down a $100,000 a year job that would allow him to travel throughout the continent, after carefully discussing the matter with his parents. At one point he referred to ?what his parents had done to him?, then quickly corrected it to ?what his parents had done FOR him?. I?m not making this one up. Talk about a Freudian slip.
Sunday PM
Walking with Dog Brings Blessings Now and Forever ? Due to a miracle of condensation that would make Reader?s Digest envious, I have managed to summarize the entire one hour public talk in 22 words: ?The world rulers don?t know shit from shinola, but we do, ?cause God told us all his secrets. Sell Watchtowers or die.? If you missed it, don?t worry, it?s the same one they give every year.
The Watchtower study was taken from the May 15 issue, and was entitled, ?The Elderly ? although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still be exploited for recruitment purposes.?
Walk Worthily of Jehovah, Fully Pleasing Him ? At the beginning of the closing talk, the brother asked if we could possible summarize the theme of the assembly in only one or two sentences. He then glanced in my direction and said, ?Brother RunningMan, I?m looking in your direction.? Well, I had just jotted down my condensation, so I stood up and waved my hand, but he didn?t see me. He then proceeded to summarize the theme in 300,000 short sentences, taking us almost half an hour over time ? a small foretaste of the great tribulation.
Well, we have now returned home, where I have spent the last two days hosing the parking attendants off of my radiator. Man, I must have hit more of them than flies.
For those who are keeping track, attendance was 5,224, which was down from 5,339 last year and 5,628 the year before.
Last year?s adventures can be found at: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/54726/1.ashx And the year before at: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/31324/1.ashx