Hi, Tesha. I'm glad you posted and thank you for your invitation to respond.
The idea that a horrible death awaits any who aren't doing everything they can is ingrained in every Witness from the very start - whether as a Bible student, or a JW child. Fear of death is a powerful motivator...ask anybody who's quit smoking after the first heart attack.
For me, I think when I originally quit going to meetings, I still believed Armageddon would come and I would die. This meant not only would I cease to live, but that my mother would be resurrected and learn I had not been worthy enough to be with her. That second thing was the worst of all. I stopped going to meetings because I knew I'd rather be dead than stay married, so I might as well buy it at the Big Bang.
Underneath it all, however, I had some strong doubts about the teachings. Little, troubling inconsistencies which began to pile up and become not so little.
Liken the situation to a scientist, working in Communist Russia, who comes up with a theory which contradicts the writings of previous well-known Russian scientists. Of course, his colleagues convince him he's wrong, stupid, or even dangerous. They may turn him in to authorities who threaten to put him in a mental ward. Eventually, the scientist may come to believe he really is insane and his brilliant theory is just nonsense. Later, that scientist escapes to the West, where he meets others in his field. He finds his theory not only has merit, but others have been working along the same lines. He joins in sharing his work and before long, all reach a broader understanding of his particular field.
A very similar thing happened to me when I discovered forums such as this. I suddenly came to understand I was NOT crazy, stupid, or dangerous. The doubts I had were valid, and shared by many others. With a giant sigh of relief, I began - slowly at first - to realize I might die of natural causes, rather than become food for Vultures.
Perhaps I initially left for selfish, rather than noble reasons. But once out, I understood why I never felt entirely in sinc...no matter how hard I tried.
Again, welcome to the board. Hope you stick around.
Was/who really should learn to spell-check before submitting
