Musings from FOSL (Fruit Of Six's Loins)
Is That What That?s For?
I have a theory. Do you know the story of Adam & Eve? You know, God creates man, man bitches about loneliness, God gives him a woman out of his rib, man bitches about how much that hurt, God slaps him ?cross the face and tells him to shut up and enjoy the beauty and complicated simplicity of everything around him, man and woman do somethin? they ain?t supposed to do, get kicked out of Eden?and damn straight! You tell them who?s the boss, God. I mean, seriously! ?Oh, I want that over there.? ?You can?t have that, but you can have everything that I?ve made. Except that.? ?You?re so mean! I flip my hair and slam the door to my room at you.? Winy little brats?populate the Earth, here we are. THANKS, ADAM AND EVE! You greedy little bastards! ?Oh, that plum over there?s shiny. Mm, shiny.? Thanks to your shiny fruit fetish, we?re mortal! We?re all suckers, thanks to you.
But anyways, I was thinking, what if they didn?t get kicked out of the Garden of Eden for succumbing to the temptation of naughtiness? I think the conspiracy theorists will back me up on my theory once I get into the part where I do not prove that aliens exist. Okay, here?s me theory.
What if God was just experimenting with different planets from different galaxies and solar systems? I mean, if he/she wasn?t creating people on planets other than Earth, then how were there people a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, hmm? Wait for it?Okay, now I?ll tell you what I mean by experimenting with different planets and galaxies and solar systems. I mean that what if God grew bored at one point and decided to create?well, everything? Do you play ?The Sims?? It?s easier to explain this to people who play ?The Sims?. Okay, I?ll provide a normal people explanatory paragraph that delves into my theory, and one for the ?Sims? freakos.
NORMAL PEOPLE, READ BELOW LINE
All right! So, let?s begin. God created the universe. There?s air, lava, atmospheric differential statistics between analyzed planets, etc., the works. After a while, he of course grows bored with throwing asteroids at Uranus. This is when he/she decides to start making different kinds of living beings on different planets?the conspiracy theorists begin raising me above their shoulders. This is all just a scheme to get a group of people with one similar belief to LIKE ME! I mean?I?m intellectually smart?and he/she makes different beings to thrive in the different environments, and to be able to survive in the atmospheres of the different planets. And, since these are all creations of things, some of the experiments aren?t going to go incredibly well. Let?s say Earth-dwelling humans were one of the so-so living being experiments. But what if the first two humans were expelled from the Garden of Eden for making more of us little buggers, when God wanted to discontinue this race? Dig if you will this look into the day Adam and Eve didn?t listen to God.
?Hello, Adam! And Eve, how are the both of you??
?Lovely,? Adam says, a smile on his face. ?How are you, God??
?Oh, I?m all right. The Martians drank all the water earlier this morning, but otherwise things are running smoothly. So, hey, listen up, you two. Before I tell you this, I want to say that I adore the both of you. You?re a fantastic couple of Earth dwellers. However, I decided early on into the Earth project that I would be discontinuing the humanoid line. I?m sorry, really, I am, but hey, at this point, the Earth is so clean that you?ll both be alive for at least 1500 years! And you?ve got this fantastic garden to live your lives in. I won?t kill you directly, but I do tend to play target practice with asteroids on the planets that were unsuccessful. Watch your head! Again, I?m sorry. Oh! And another thing, just to make sure you two don?t use the junk you have and start reproducing without my permission, uh?just?just, Adam, don?t get in Eve?s loincloth.?
?What? We have the attention span of small young people. That?s one of our flaws. What?s under Eve?s loincloth??
?Her front butt.?
?That?s what that is?? Eve looks down at her loincloth with a confused look on her face.
?Yes, that?s what that is, Eve. Okay, I?m going to check up on you kids every few hundred years to make sure you didn?t do anything I told you not to do. Well?maybe every 40 years. You two are an unsuccessful project, after all. Ta!? God hops off, leaving Adam and Eve frowning.
?But?I want to continue the race of the humans. Eve, what do you say?? Adam looks at Eve with a hopeful, questioning face. Eve obviously agrees, since we?re here now, aren?t we? Well, of course God finds out about this, and off they go! And now we?re like the bastard children that a certain someone didn?t want. End theoreticking.
NORMAL PEOPLE: DO NOT READ BELOW LINE. YOU MAY LOSE BRAIN CELLS.
?THE SIMS? FREAKOS READ BELOW LINE
Okay, now!
?Sims? Neighborhoods = Different galaxies and solar systems, metaphorically.
?Sims? Houses = Planets in different galaxies and solar systems, metaphorically.
Sims-People = Living beings from the different planets, metaphorically.
You = You?re God, except for ?The Sims?. You create all of the above, metaphorically.
So ? You create all the different neighborhoods with all the different houses, and begin making different types of Sims-People to live in the different houses. See, some of these houses and Sims are unsuccessful, so you don?t tend to their needs as much as the gifted Sims that you?ve created in different houses and neighborhoods. Let?s say you ask the Sims you don?t like that much to not reproduce and have Sims children. But they do anyways! What do you do? Well, in the game, you build a pool, tell them all to swim in it, and then take away the stairs to get into the pool. See, Sims don?t actually get that you can pull yourself out of the water without those stair things. So, they swim and swim until they die. Or, if you?re cruel, you have them stand somewhere, and then build a wall around them. They can?t get out, they have no food, and they die in a few days. That?s just horrible, though. I prefer drowning them. It only takes a few hours! Or, the quickest way is to have them start a fire, and since they?re idiots, they?ll stand right beside the fire and scream yet won?t run away. Just don?t tell them to run away and call firefighters. It?s probably quicker than trapping them in a pool, but more painful?the pool is the best way. They just swim for hours. They?re pretty stupid.
Okay, well, you get the point! Soon enough, you?ve got a house filled with idiots, when you asked the original Sims not to make more them!
So, that?s the theory. We?re all unwanted. We?re like that middle girl from ?The Brady Bunch? whose name I can?t remember because she was so unwanted. It?s all about Marcia, Marcia, Marcia?kind of like Martian, Martian, Martian.
OH MY GOD I?M A GENIUS! I JUST PROVED MY THEORY! ?The Brady Bunch? was a message from God telling us that he likes the Martians better than us! We?re just Mike and Florence Henderson?s drunken mistake that won?t go away! Wow! I wasn?t even aiming for this kind of breakthrough! Now, you just tell this little story to Mr. Bush when you see him for me. I bet he?ll decide to fight?
THE WAR ON MARTIANS
August 6, 2004