Years ago, I gave a public talk and told the audience we had a special letter from "Headquarters". I scared the crap out of everyone because I said that the "Slave", after intense study has come to the conclusion that the "great tribulation" has already started!
Make Up A Prophecy or a Statement You'd Like To See In A Watchtower
by minimus 33 Replies latest jw friends
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lawrence
This is an excellent thread. Thanks!
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SAHS
What does this mean for Jehovah's true worshippers?
For one, this good news justifies our position as God's earthly organization and gives us all authority over all who profess to worship Jehovah.
I just took a peak at the latest form letter to be sent to all the congregations for the month of ?May-Happen-If-They-Get-the-Chance?:
Dear Brothers,
Our most recent and exciting procedural change is that from henceforth, any member who becomes disfellowshipped will be ?cut off from his [or her] people? in the ultimate literal sense. That?s right! Starting this month of ?May? (which month has been formally known as ?May-Happen-If-They-[We-]Get-the-Chance?), in the spirit of the Mosaic Law (boy, how we love that Law!), all members who become disfellowshipped will be stoned to death!
All those judged worthy of being stoned to death (you know, clinking glasses and all) will be transported to the Bethel property at your local branch, stripped naked (we just thought we would add that part too . . . to make a good fearful example out of them, of course), and then stoned to death by their families (by ?persuasion?), and by the local body of elders (no ?persuasion? necessary there). Such happy, spiritually-uplifting events will of course be tied in to all the branches by video line, as well as streamed on the Internet (order your deluxe RealPlayer Jukebox today!).
Let?s make this month of ?May? special by reporting any infractions (listen for that glass-clinking!) to your loving Body of Elders.
Are not we all thankful and titillated by these unrestrained and unprecedented displays of theocratic love, are we not, are not we? Well, are we not? (Gotta love that expression! . . . do we not. Well, do not we?)
Warmest Christian love,
Office of the Governing Body,
Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Incorporated
BOE letter, month of ?May,? 2000-and-something
Dreamed up and typed in Canada
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Pleasuredome
all WTB&T societies and IBSA will be wound up forthwith, and all assets will be divided up among the worlds congregations. you're on your own now, all the best!
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minimus
"Since the publishers of the Watchtower have always wished to remain anonymous, we would like to take this opportunity to send you our Christian love and greetings.'
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dh
Apple Buys Watchtower Bible & Tract Society, (Business Entity of Jehovah's Witnesses)
by Andrew Thomas, 5:57 PM GMT, 19 August, 2004
Continuing its buying spree of the last 18 months, Apple has announced another acquisition today: the company has bought the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society, the business entity responsible for the control of 6 million Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide. The WTS is known throughout the world for producing low quality disposable books and magazines, called Literature, and more importantly for having millions of followers, the majority of whom, due to previous Watchtower Society teachings, still to this day do not own personal computers.
According to both the Watchtower Society and Apple all of this is set to change, with a rigorous campaign set to begin immidiately, Jobbs and the whole Apple World urge all members of Jehovah's Witnesses to Advertise Advertise Advertise!!! The Mac Is Back!
Coining new phrases such as "An Apple Today Keeps The Elders Away!" Jehovah's Witnesses are apparantly embrasing their new ownership with open arms, and with such a substantial rise in Mac users and the huge influx of profit, Apple aren't complaining. The company has unveilled plans to introduce a range of exciting new products in the first quarter of 2005, not least of which are iWatchtower, iAwake, and iKingdom Hall!
Unlike the other companies that Apple has been buying, The Watchtower Bible & Tract Society will will be operated as an independent, but wholly owned, division within Apple, and all members of Jehovah's Witnesses will be eligable for special discounts, as from this day forth they will only be permitted to buy Apple products.
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core
To the Body of ELders
Every Congregation
Dear Brothers
Be assured that we fall about laughing every time we lay some new task on you, whuilst always adding the caveat that you "must look after your families first"
Here in Bethel we rejoice to see so many hard working elders completely fooled by our constant exhortations to do more.
The purpose of this letter is to advise you of a new provision of our loving heavenly father Jehovah. All elders who disfellowship at least one person (apostates count as two) every quarter for this service year will be entered into a Theocratic draw (using the Ummim & Thummim) with the first 4 elder names drawn by such lot having the special privilege of joining us brothers of the Governing Body, at one of our many resort locations, funded by the wholehearted contributions of the worldwide brotherhood. During your stay you can have the use of our executive limousines, corporate jet(s) and all the luxuries of a 5 star Hotel with obedient sisters rushing to meet your EVERY need.
Why not set aside some prayerful time now - ask yourself - who would benefit from Jehovah's loving disfellowshipment arrangement - any YOU could be the one benefiting - thats right Keeping the Congregation Clean takes on a whole new meaning and is much simpler than Green Stamps or Loyalty Cards - indeed your diligence in purifying the congregation is the ULTIMATE Loyalty Scheme
Looking forward to many heart rending stories as, with you, we work hard to keep straight on Jehovah's Highway - straight to Hawaii, the Tropics and the Mediterannean ! What could be more rewarding than serving God AND YOURSELF.
A new chapter will be added to the Pay Attention Book dealing with this marvellous provision - the study title will be "Draw Strength from Jehovah who will provide (winners) with seasons of refreshing"
Your brothers
The Governing Buddy of Jehovahs Witnesses
PS Hope to see you soon - better had be soon some of us are a bit flaky!
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seeitallclearlynow
You folks are good at this stuff! Good jobs all around.
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Preston
Over the years the faithful slave has diligently kept its promise to provide fine spiritual food at the proper time. However, in these demanding times much is required and much is demanded. Why, in these last days would it not be fitting for all serving in the midst of Christ's appointed brothers to do their upmost to share in the most Important work, namely the supporting of the preaching work that will never be done again? Therefore, at this year's "Doers of Whatever the Hell We Tell You" Convention we would like to consider the summary details of this years important new resolution. In fact it is almost revolutionary, considering that the faithful slave would consider these details in a later study article. However, the faithful slave has seen a need to provide to the domestics this important new provision for the entire congregation. Starting next year, we will call attention to the institution for the need for the entire association of brothers and sisters to provide themselves for lobotomy. The faithful slave has seen a need for the entire association to willingly offer themselves, in this manner, as this loving provision takes shape. Over the next year, each congregation will be provided with a Dr. Nick - like doctor, by the unslefish direction of the governing body to make manifest this need. After the entire association of brothers and sisters have had their brains fixed, then we can further our evil deeds. Mwuh-hah-hah-hah!
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mkr32208
Yes, yes very funny but having the wbts come out and say "we're liars and your suckers" isn't prophecy! It's a statement but most people wouldn't believe it they could come out the next week and say "it was all those mother f*cking apostate's that said that they hijacked the watchtower!" we need a slow build over a few weeks or even months
something like...week 1 "we have investigated the scriptures and have discovered new light (what a shocker) that the time of the end should have actually ended last May!"
week 2 "the slave has killed a chipmunk and read the future in its' organs and body fluid (this is an approved method for aquiring new light for the slave ONLY see wt 1927 pg 317845 sub part a-12 anyone ELSE attempting such a thing would immediatly be df'd for witchcraft but its ok for us) the new light is that all good dubs should go and immediatly buy as many firearms and edged weapons as you can
week 3 "well armegedon should definatly have stated last May this is the only solution we're gonna jump start this bi%ch right now grab the guns and lets go!!!!"
See then they can't just blame us! Right?