Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
vocabulary.
TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything,
and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This
also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO.
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY.
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies.
Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then
enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the
core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
by Sirona 11 Replies latest social humour
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Sirona
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Angharad
LOL Sirona
These are great - Peter Kay is hilarious !
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculatorYep guaranteed to relieve boredom for a minute during maths lesson -so original !!
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LittleToe
Hehe.
That's started my weekend nicely
Thanks! -
Sirona
I laughed so much today when I got these on an email
Or is it just British humour?
Peter Kay is from Bolton, which is only a few miles from where I live. He is hilarious!
Sirona
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Simon
We have a few DVDs of him - he's hillarious.
I think a lot of it has to do with his accent
-
DanTheMan
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')Oh, we had a great one of those at work recently, where some gal felt the need to let the HR dept know that she felt that a section in the weekly HR newsletter email concerning gay & lesbian pride month was "entirely inappropriate". It was funny as hell. She tried to do a recall but it was like 10 minutes after she had sent it.
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible
crisp no one would eat?This guy has never met my mom LOL
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Sirona
SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed and die.That made me laugh for ages! I was having a bad day...and it really tickled my funny bone.
Sirona
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stillajwexelder
And with the current price of Crude Oil per barrel being at an all time high, if you enter 7100553 on a calculator and then also 71077345 on a calculator it can also cause a wry smile
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qwerty
Thanks Sirona
That saved me from having to upload and post the same fing. I sent this around all my team mates at work about 3 months ago, but got in to bother for spaming!
They loved it !
Qwerty (and Mrs Qwerty Peter Kay fans)............ Like Simon got is DVD's
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qwerty
For the Infidels!