FOSHLL's latest writing... names have been changed to protect the guilty. (FOSHLL had quite a fun time picking out the new names.)
About a week ago, it was Saturday night, and I wanted to hang out with my Aunt Ginger. I called her to see what she was doing, and we spoke for a bit. She said she thought someone was coming over to her house, but it had been a while and they hadn?t arrived. I told her to call me back if the person ends up not coming, and I?ll come over and keep her company. She didn?t call me back, but someone knocks on the door. It?s Ginger. She says that Girthy (this is the woman she was going to hang out with; this woman is a Jehovah?s Witness.) came over, and she invited me to come to eat at Taco Cabana with them. I obliged, and was out the door after my aunt and her mother(we?ll refer to her as my grandma) spoke briefly, and my grandma said she would join us shortly. So, I get into Girthy?s car to go down the street to Taco Cabana. Well, my dear, I used to know Girthy in another life. The one where I was a Jehovah?s Witness until I was ten. I left on my own accord, and was not forced to leave by my parents, though I often feel as though the Jehovah?s Witnesses in the congregation I was once in believe that I still believe the religion, but that my parents are, for some stupid and non-existent reason, keeping me from going to the meetings, which is by all means a horrible thing to think about my parents. Ick. It sickens me, absolutely sickens me.
Anyways, Girthy greets me with some variation of, ?Wow, you?ve grown so much! I haven?t seen you in so long! You?ve grown so much! I can?t believe it?s been two years!? I smile, nod, and thank her for the ?you?re so hot? compliments. She then squeezed my tush, pushed Ginger out of the moving car, hit me with a baseball bat so I would be knocked unconscious, and I woke up in a broken down hangar in Vermont, wearing a non-provocative monkey suit that really switched on Girthy?s strange bestial fetish. I found myself surrounded by many other people in non-provocative monkey suits, all shrieking in horror. After Girthy had her way with her favorite monkey-suited sex slaves, we were left in the hangar with our thoughts and our common bond. I was told that they had all also been kidnapped in much the same way that I had been. The good thing is that Girthy doesn?t get in the mood to go bananas with us(if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge hint hint creepy creepy.)on many occasions. But the bad news is that she gets a little freaky deaky around Christmas time, and gives everyone the same gift: what she likes to call ?the variety hour.?
Okay, I think I?m going to stop myself right there. I think it?s almost getting unbelievable! What she REALLY said was ?you?re so pretty,? in a completely heterosexual way. I don?t think Jehovah?s Witnesses are allowed to be gay, are they? I don?t think so. Anyways, we get to Taco Cabana, and after a bit, my grandma arrives. I go in and out of listening to their conversations, which, when I?m listening, are about cancer, and other Jehovah?s Witnesses. Mm, gossip!
Some time passes, and at one point a family sits down at the table near ours. A sweet young girl in her toddler years starts coming up to our table, smiling, and waving at us wholeheartedly. We all say such things as, ?Aw, hi, sweetie! She?s so cute!? each time that the little girl comes over to our table and does this. After about the 4th or 5th time that the girl does this, after the girl leaves the table again, Girthy says, ?How can cute, sweet children like that grow up to be so monstrous?? I clench my jaw. Just so you know, Jehovah?s Witnesses believe that only Jehovah?s Witnesses will survive Armageddon. There are 1 million Jehovah?s Witnesses on Earth. Yes, you heard me. They believe that 1% of the population will survive Armageddon to live in ?the new system.? You know, the system where all the women wear skirts and tend to the children and keep the house in order, while the men wear pants and ride the lions(lions are nice in the new system. So are sharks! Even those pesky alligators won?t harm a fly! It?s too bad that the cheetahs were atheists, though. They could?ve been the new car of the new system. Ride them to the ocean, where you can have a great day surfing atop your favorite great white shark!)and chop wood and all that family fun. And when I say family, I mean that sex will be replaced with asexual human duplication, and birth by vagina will be replaced with birth by nostril. Why, you could just chop off that pesky penis! Won?t be needing that joystick anymore. And when I say joystick, I mean that violent video games won?t exist, either.
Wait?do you mean to say that there will be no sex, no violence, and no lion attacks?
That?s right, Judith!
Why, they?re taking all of the fun out of life! What will we do for sport?
Well, Judith, we can sit and talk about the beauty of grass, whilst eating corn! Of course, corn has a phallic shape?no more corn in the new system! No more pickles, cucumbers or zucchini, I might add. We?ll just eat some trusty, firm plums. Of course, that could be a euphemism for boobs?we?ll?we?ll eat?AVOCADO! We?ll eat avocado and exclaim, ?My, my, this grass is beautiful!?
You suck.
I know, Judith!
My name is Randall.
I know that as well, Judith!
Shut up, you damned buffoon.
Don?t you want to play with me and my pet grizzly bear?
No.
?Right. So, where were we? Aha! Girthy says, ?How can cute, sweet children like that grow up to be so monstrous?? I then explained to my second personality that she was making a generalization that non-Jehovah?s Witnesses children, such as the cute one coming up to our table and waving at us, grow up to be monstrous. Mm, ignorance. Anyways, I think either my aunt or my grandma or both have much the same reaction I do, except they look more surprised, and then she says, ?No, really! How can they grow up to be so monstrous?? I think there?s some sort of a short but silent pause, and then she says something like this (I can?t remember exactly, but I have a rough idea. I was just in such a shock that I didn?t think to record her exact words in my cranium for later use.): ?I can?t wait for the new system when there won?t be such monstrous people.? So, to sum up, she just said?in front of my grandmother and my aunt, both of whom I am very close with?that she thinks I?m going to die in Armageddon. Silence. Neither of them say anything, both as shocked as I. I just can?t imagine how Girthy can be so?for lack of a want to use a less blunt and less rude word?mind-numbingly stupid as to say that to my face and to not think that it doesn?t hurt me.
This occurrence is what has led me to believe that many Jehovah?s Witnesses that I used to know think that my parents are not letting me go to meetings, and that I still believe the teachings of that horrid organization. I just want to go to their kingdom hall on one of their meeting nights with a prepared script, walk up onto the stage, kindly but brutally shove whoever is speaking offstage, and read to them my prepared statement. Cameras snapping, a blur of questions being asked of me. ?What led you to leave, Camilla?? ?Are you sure your parents didn?t brainwash you before we could, Andy?? ?How you doin??? I will obviously take the latter question.
?I?m doing okay. Prince, I didn?t know you were a Jehovah?s Witness.?
?HOOO!?
I squeal in delight and ?HOOO!? along. One of his fellow journalists in the newsroom hands him his phallicful gee-tah, and my assistant gives me my saxophone. The lighting changes, Prince hops up onstage, and the newsroom?s walls give way to reveal a huge arena full of our fans rabidly cheering.
?She wore a raaaaaspberry beret!? Prince croons to the arena.
?I think I luh-huuuuhve her!? I sing in unison with Prince, the entire arena of fans standing up, clapping their hands to the beat?
So, to sum up, Girthy doesn?t think before she speaks, makes stupid generalizations, Prince, and newsroom. Any questions? No? Fine. Be that way.