Peering into my past - Snippets from my early life

by Mysterious 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • Mysterious
    Mysterious

    I was going through my things the other day and I came across a journal I used to keep at quite a young age. The mentality there is just scary. I was quite the budding writer with my big words but can you see all the canned thoughts and phrases lifted from the dubs and dropped into my grammar and writing style. I dont know if anyone else has anything like this from their past but I could hardly believe what I found when I started reading all this. Hopefully it wont bore you all to death or scare you off from me forever. I'm putting the journal quotes in quotation blocks so they are easier to pick out.

    If you could spend an afternoon with someone you look up to. Who would it be? What would you do?
    I would spend the afternoon with Sister xxxxx. I would pioneer with her in <city> and she would teach me some <popular language there. We would then go to Bethel and see the branch offices. We would go back out in service and on some return visits. We would encourage older ones and young kids and then go on some bible studies. We would telephone witness and then do some approach work and then informal witnessing. We would have cofee and get more magazines do some more calls then take a break to eat.
    What is your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it?
    My favorite holiday is summer vacation because I get two months off of school. Tehre is nice warm weather. The garden and plants are growing. The waterslides and the beach are ready. There is no rushing. There is lots to do and friends to play with all summer long. We go on vacations and trips.

    Sorry Poztate avert eyes and remember I dont believe this now.

    Write about anything you want here.
    I wish that dad would start coming to the meetings again. The fact that he might not be in paradse scares me. I would pay every cent I have if he would only come to one meeting. It would be the best present I had ever received. Why can't he see that it is the truth? It is so clear to me. Why won't he come? What can I do to help him? When I aksed him he said I was an old worrywart. I only want what is best for him. What would be a turning point in his life? At least he still comes to memorial and obeys basic bible truths and principles. I can only hope that one day he will see the truth and light and the salvation in Jehovah.
    What would solve the problems in the world?
    Repentance. Acceptance of Jesus ransom. Obeying god's laws, guides and morals. Looking to the bible for answers. Baptism and dedication. Prayer to god. Neutrality. Contentment. Antijealousy. Become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Accept the kingdom arragement. Do away with greed.

    Omg sorry to Poztate again I remember this.

    Write about anything you want here
    Today I wrote Daddy a letter to try and to get him to come to a meeting but he said he couldnt "see" himself coming tonight. I'll try again on Sunday. He kept the letter and I hope he'll change his mind. One part of me hopes and expects him to show up and walk down the aisle to sit with us. All I ask is why me and not some other kid why does it have to be my father!! :((
  • Mysterious
    Mysterious

    bttt for people not night owls.

  • Odrade
    Odrade

    yeah, I have stuff like that. Can't believe I've kept it all these years. Embarrassing, because not only did I write that stuff, I talked it to everyone.

    O

  • recoveringjw
    recoveringjw

    Mysterious,

    It makes ya a little nauseated to read some of that, doesn't it? I was cleaning out some closets and found a box of journals I had kept (been keeping a journal since age 16) and I read through the journal from the period of time when I was DF'd and it was just amazing how up and down my emotions were. And I was so lonely! Reading through it made my hurt and I realized that I never ever wanted to feel like that again!

  • Mysterious
    Mysterious

    recoveringjw, yeah it's nauseating. Fortunately I got smarter as I got older and none of the later life journals survived. So I can be embarrassed on behalf of my child self but not my teenage self.

  • recoveringjw
    recoveringjw

    Usually, when I read through my journals, it makes me realize what a big dork I was (and perhaps still am)!

    Bethany

  • Mysterious
    Mysterious

    Nothing wrong with being a dork as long as you admit it. (better a dork than a JW)

  • Gretchen956
    Gretchen956

    Mysterious, I know you are WAY too young to remember this, but we used to say (in the early days of computers):

    GIGO

    Garbage in, Garbage out.

    You were just spouting the things you were programmed to spout and you did it very well. No need to apologize, the amazing thing is you recognized how limiting and sorry that existence is and escaped.

    You should be congratulated!

    Sherry

  • karategirl
    karategirl

    reading that just really made me cry. when i was a child i used to pray to jehovah to make my stepfather not hurt my mother and myself. I thought if i could just be good enough and set the best example he would see that we were good children and love us and be a good father. after ten years of their marriage i prayed to jah and asked him why he couldn't release us from our horrible situation. i sat with a razor in my hand telling myself I just couldn't do it anymore. the only reason I didn't is because my stepfather called for me and I got in trouble for still being awake. i quit keeping a journal at the age of 12 because my stepfather used to read them. they were all about how much I hated him and couldn't wait for the paradise when he would be forced to be a perfect husband and father. i am glad that I destroyed that one journal years ago.

    keep it as a reminder if you need to. but i think sometimes it is good to release it because you will never forget and the reminder only brings pain.

  • MerryMagdalene
    MerryMagdalene

    I empathize with everything your child-self expressed (thank you for sharing) and what you are feeling now in confronting it. I remember writing things that were similar. My mother still tries to slip old notes and letters to me that I wrote to people in that phase of my life. I found it quite discomforting to be faced again with the blind beliefs I once espoused and the whole-hearted devotion I invested in all of it. I remember being in a child in tears and praying for my inactive stepfather and for my best friend (who refused to be taken in by any of it), even trying to bargain with God and convince him that if Armageddon came and they still hadn't done what they were supposed to do to be spared, he should take my life in trade because I loved them so much and knew they were truly good people.

    Remember to be proud of your child self for caring about others so much! You believed and did the best you could with what you were given. I hope focusing on that will help alleviate some of the more negative (and embarassing) aspects of what we experienced and who we were, and can also help us empathize with those still trapped in those very same well-meaning but naive mind-sets. The one's I do not feel that towards, however, are those at the "top" of the organization. Maybe I should, and maybe I will some day, but not now. I'm still processing too much shock and anger at the betrayal of it all (theirs, not mine).

    All my best to you...at every age

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