Gifts- bribery or an act of love

by Kismet 10 Replies latest social relationships

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  Kismet

  Often I hear about guys who are in the proverbial doghouse with their girlfriend and/or spouse (though both at the same time is very messy and not recommended- LOL)

  9 of 10 times the discussion then revolves around how to get out of the doghouse. Flowers, candies, sparkling trinkets, trips etc are thrown out as the "accepted" way to gain forgiveness. The bigger the mistake the more it is going to cost the guy.

  Am I the only person who sees this as bribery or buying affection/forgiveness?

  I live by the rule that flowers and gifts are not symbols of regret but should be symbols of affection and love. I will never use flowers as a way to say sorry. My words and subsequent actions should be enough without resorting to infantile bribery.

  It seems so demeaning to women to suggest that they can be appeased with twinkling trinkets. I understand appreciating a well intentioned gift of love or affection but not a bribe.

  I have never understood this concept of buying one's way out of his mistakes. So when I buy someone something they are never left wondering what is this for. They know it is because I love them, am thinking about them NOT because I screwed up.

  When I do screw up I admit it, apologize and do my damnedest not to make the same mistake.

  I would love to better understand this concept that seems to widely accepted but I just don't get.

  Kismet
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  Zep

  See, Men are from mars...and woman, well, they are from some 5th dimension twightlight zone beyond any rational comprehension.Maybe science will one day understand what makes them tick, who knows...but till then, when a woman is p*zzed at you, you just got get out of there and come back later with the big suck job...flowers, pampering...whatever it takes.See, woman have all these little games they like to play, and us guys we just dont have a clue...were are just the innocent victims in these cases.Like when they give you the cold treatment, walking around in a huff...and you ask "what the hells wrong, what have i done"...and she wont tell you cause, see, your supposed to figure it out...I mean your dumbfounded, but the only defence we have to these tactics is just to grovel...its pathetic, but its gets me out of trouble most times!

  Edited by - Zep on 11 August 2000 10:56:57
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  Angharad

  I agree Kismet, when there is a problem talking about it is much better that just a bunch of flowers, to totally clear the air the person that has done something wrong needs understand why their partner is upset, (not just she seems mad must be something I have done!)discuss it, say sorry and mean it then agree to drop the subject - no sulking. Flowers and gifts are lovely and mean so much more when they are given on the spur of the moment and for no particular reason.
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  Angharad

  I agree Kismet, when there is a problem talking about it is much better that just a bunch of flowers, to totally clear the air the person that has done something wrong needs understand why their partner is upset, (not just she seems mad must be something I have done!)discuss it, say sorry and mean it then agree to drop the subject - no sulking. Flowers and gifts are lovely and mean so much more when they are given on the spur of the moment and for no particular reason.
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  Angharad

  Sorry all my posts seem to be appearing twice will have to ask hubby what I'm doing wrong
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  RedhorseWoman

  You guys have no idea....really. Or perhaps you've just met some very immature women.

  If I'm angry at my husband, he knows why....no sulking, no guessing (actually, he's the one who frequently sulks and won't talk....so, I'll ask what's wrong; he'll say "nothing"; I'll say "okay, it just seemed as if you were pissed" and walk off; he'll then follow me, complain I don't care, and then tell me.....seems like a lot of hassle to me....just state your complaint, please).

  Gifts don't really do it as appeasement. It really does feel like a bribe....I don't want a bribe....I want an apology and a change for the better.

  Gifts should be something special, something given because you want to please the other person and you want to give them something because you care. Bribes are demeaning.
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  waiting

  Hey y'all,

  Apologies work wonders, along with heartfelt talking to each other. A gold bracelet is just icing on the cake, which is nice too.

  A man, imo, usually wants to make up from an argument with sex, sex, sex, and then snoring. Ok, when he turns over to snore and the woman, perhaps, is still awake - why can't she look to her pretty flowers and gold bracelet? Rather tones down the contented snores of her mate, don't you think?

  I personally, am usually still mad after an apology and don't want sex right away - I'm still mad. But a flower softens the heart like poetry softens the mind. Like sex softens a man's brain, amongst other things.

  So, is it necessarily a bribe? No, it can be just nice - and sentimental. Lord, is sentimentality lost on you males. But hey! You'll give her sex anytime, right? Damn with buying her off - I'll just talk and roll her in the hay!

  A little of all probably is the best answer. Bribery has worked with both sexes for many things for generations. How in the world do you think we get you men to do anything around the house? Because we talk you into it- then we would be nagging - Lord Forbid! But a cool shoulder will get the stove fixed faster......

  I had a dalliance one time with a young woman. Didn't last long, never told my wife, Gracie. But bought my wife a $10,000 diamond bracelet, just because.... Years later, my wife was talking to her friend, eyeing the bracelet, and said, "I wish George would have another dalliance - I sure would like a diamond ring." George Burns

  Some women like both, words and sentimentality.

  waiting
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  Pathofthorns

  I live by the rule that flowers and gifts are not symbols of regret but should be symbols of affection and love. I will never use flowers as a way to say sorry. My words and subsequent actions should be enough without resorting to infantile bribery.

  I don't see it as bribery personally. I see it more as a peace offering, and it works. The goal is to get out of the doghouse as quickly and efficiently as possible, so if you have to kiss some ass, say you're sorry, and spend a few bucks on her then DO IT. (lol)

  Of course if you keep "slipping up" doing whatever bone headed thing that got you in the doghouse in the first place, i'm sure the flowers will wear thin.

  The same sort of peace offering works with guys too. When a bud pisses you off, then shows up with a case of beer and says he's sorry, its hard not to forgive. Even if he doesn't say he's sorry, its hard not to drink his beer :)

  Path (it always comes back to the beer)
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  waiting

  Hey Path!

  Well said. I imagine that women and buds would agree with you.

  waiting
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  spectromize

  I'll drink to the budweiser and flower thing.
  I think it's fairly accurate. I certainly would forgive very fast if I saw that case of 2-4 after an argument! I certainly would never consider it a bribe.