Telling my 85 year old dad the reasons why

by littlemike 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  littlemike

  Mt father became a JW during the second world war . He was conscientous objector before that.He is now 85 years old and i left JW 2 years ago.

  On Monday I went out with him and something he said just set me off. In 15 minuted I told him about raymond Franz, Carl Olof johnson, 607BCE. The facts about 6000 years of mans history not being metnioned for 30 years etc.

  I simply told him the truth about the truth. I did not plan to say it. I now feel guilty did I do the right thing? He questions many things himself but still thinks its the truth coz they are united, dont go to war etc.

  Is it right to make an 85 year old doubt his faith that he instilled on his family?

  What do you think?
• 

  Mulan

  Well................my mother is 92 and believes it is the truth, no matter what I have told her. Finally we agreed to disagree, and she accepts that I don't want to be a JW anymore.

  At this point in her life, I am not inclined to take it away from her. Her faith is strong and she is so old that it seems cruel to do it to her. She isn't afraid of dying and I don't see it would accomplish much for her, to do that to her.

  It would only be to vindicate myself, and she freely associates with both me and with my disfellowshipped brother, so it isn't taking anything away from us.

  However, my father is 91, and when we quit, he quit. Of course he claims he never believed it was the truth, and only went along with it for the sake of the family. Probably a rewrite of his history.

  All elderly people are different, but if your father is 85, and happy and doesn't have a problem associating with you, I suggest you leave the subject alone.
• 

  RunningMan

  I hope my children never feel that they have to lie to me to protect my delusions.

  I guess everyone will see this differently, but I have never thought that deliberately deceiving someone was very respectful. I would rather hear bad news openly, then good news that's not true.
• 

  littlemike

  Mulan

  Did I do right at least giving him some reasons.

  Strangely he did not seem surprised.

  The frightening thing is my dad was one of the first Witnesses in our City and there are now nearly a 1000 in the area yet I know he has massive problems with it.

  However if he ever discovered for himself the truth about the truth he would just think he had wasted his entire life
• 

  Mulan

  I did the same things you did a few years ago, and she accepted it too. She is highly intelligent!

  All I can say is that for myself, the realization that the life I had lived for 50+ years was all a lie, and the religion I worshipped (yes that was my god) was not what I thought it was, was the worst experience of my life. The opportunities I missed and the ones I didn't give my children, was a huge loss. I mourned, cried and raged and almost had a nervous breakdown. I could never do that to my mother. The recovery period was intense and painful, and still ongoing in many ways.

  I told Mom enough to give her a chance, but now she just doesn't want to hear it anymore. She is happy and I'm happy, so what difference does it make?

  As I said, the only thing it would accomplish at this point, is to vindicate myself and my actions. And that is not necessary to me.
• 

  littlemike

  Thanks Mulan

  I agree. It is the worst experience in your life. I thin i did have a nervous breakdown. I suppose now he at least knows I had valid reasons and didnt just leave on a whim
• 

  Mulan

  I guess everyone will see this differently, but I have never thought that deliberately deceiving someone was very respectful. I would rather hear bad news openly, then good news that's not true.

  No one was suggesting deceit. You don't have to "throw up all over them" and tell them everything you've learned, and potentially ruin their lives, and make them feel they have to cut you off forever. Neither Mike nor myself deceived our elderly parents, but after telling them a little, and they didn't respond, why perpetuate it? I say to leave it alone and save the relationship.
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  teejay

  Littlemike,
  
  I can't say that you've done the right thing or not. What I *can* say is that I've trod very similar ground and realized I would have to be careful to avoid telling my staunch JW mother what my views are of The Truth?.
  
  By the time an occasion presented itself where I would ordinarily have revealed my inner thoughts, I'd already learned the futility of confronting a JW like her with the real truth. I can't remember the exact conversation but I do remember what she said.
  
  "I just can't be-LEEEEEVE you've turned your back on The Truth?."
  
  I could hear in her voice and see in her eyes the deep disappointment she had in her baby boy. It was a sad day for me... a sad moment, and taking the hit wasn't easy. Rather than unload on her, I simply told her that I was still the little boy she raised all those years ago... that I still carried with me the love of truth ? genuine truth ? she'd put in me way back then, and I had to honor the truth as I saw it.
  
  Personally, I'm happy she has her religion. The Watchtower Society is her world and I wouldn't have it any other way. She has her friends, her activities, her god. I will happily support her decision to stay in it till she breathes her last. I don't think lifting the veil now at 70+ years of age will do her a bit of good and I don't want to be around if it happens.
• 

  4JWY

  Hi littlemike ~

  No doubt most of us have been in your shoes with going off on 15 minute spiels on something that means alot to us. So, don't feel guilty about speaking your truth. You are your own person, probably for the first time in your life, and that is huge, coming out of jw's. It's about as hard to contain ourselves sometimes as it used to be when we found a person interested in our jw beliefs.

  I wanted my father, age 83, to know my reasons for not attending meetings any more. He himself struggled with serious depression, panic attacks, and anxiety - hallmarks of most of the witnesses he knew. I explained that my own family and I had found such relief from these things, after walking away from attending five meetings a week that dished up the constant diet of judgemental attitudes, talk of death and destruction, and had such a lack of true happiness among it's members.

  Wouldn't any parent be happy for their child to have improved health and happiness? I know it is a multi-faceted thought with a jw. Not at the expense of leaving "the truth". My father struggled with the cognitive dissonance that question caused him. - as I had also, when my own children were walking away from the upbringing. I had reached the point where I prayed and asked over and over again, how could any religion be "the truth" if it would make a parent feel totally devastated at a child's developing their own mind and utilizing their own thinking abilities?

  These are the thoughts I shared with my dad and never did get to any doctrinal issues.He could see I was not a bad person, despite walking away. I was as good to him as ever, yet I was wicked in jw eyes? My family's happiness spoke for itself and he found himself wondering about it all.

  He told me days before he took his life, that he had emotional problems and needed more than medicine to help him. He expressed his need to change his core beliefs, which were rooted in the religion, and he sent me on a search for a therapist where he could obtain cognitive behavioral therapy. It's never too late to realize you've been had - but I hope many more come to learn of this sooner than later.

  I would suggest you just take it slow with your parent and don't get into too much too soon as it can be overwhelming. I really believe it means alot, deep inside, someplace in a jw parent though, to see their child, no matter their age, exert their own self and be the person they were meant to be.

  Warm regards,

  4JWY
• 

  teejay

  (( 4JWY ))
  
  Sorry for what happened to your Pops. I really am.
  
  I think what ultimately happened to him is my Number 1 fear for my mother. I think... and this is only a gut feeling... I think my mother has come to know in her heart the real harm she did to her children raising them the way she did.
  
  She's never said as much to me, of course, and I'd never expect her to, but still... I'd hate for her to completely loose her faith in her religion. She may surprise me, but I seriously doubt she has the tools to cope with the real truth about Jehovah's Witnesses. It's all she knows.