The NEED for Acknowledgement and Validation..what do you think?

LyinEyes

I was flipping thru the channels a few minutes ago and the Oprah show was on with an interview with Tatum O'Neal . I havent watched all of the show but from what I can get from it so far,,,,,,Tatum has a bad relationship with her father , she has written a book about it all. She and Oprah were talking about what could make her have peace with her Father and so on .

Oprah said something interesting that I find to be very significant in regards to the recovery process that we as ex Jehovah's Witnesses are going thru... and that is Acknowledgement and Validation.

I know that many of us have the JW horror stories of wrongs done to us,,,,,,from lives lost because of that religion, our own misery at the hands of those who were supposed to shepherd us with love, to abuse of every kind. Most of us , I would say agree that the WT will NOT acknowledge their part in all of these wrongs, instead many times we were blamed instead of the guilty ones.

On a personal note, I have walked away from the JW's two years ago......but still, I feel the need to tell my side of the story, to be heard, to tell the real truth . I am living my life very well, and I am pretty much at peace and have great happiness. But.........it does bother me that there are these people who I loved,( JW's) who I thought loved me , maybe some still do, even thou they can not tell me. I can live with that.......but I dont like living with the fact that they have been told so many lies about me and my family... twisted lies told by even my own father, because telling things the way he does, covers over some serious wrongs , regarding me, from way long ago. In these things that are hurtful to me , are not necessarliy JW related , but are mingled together .

I guess that no matter how far I have come in my recovery since leaving ,, I still have those very human emotions dealing with wanting someone to know the real truth of my story. I know I will probably never be able to reach those who will not hear my side of the story , but it does feel so good when I find someone who listens to what happened and why I left the JW's.

If I can get no validation from the JW's , my Father, I can tell you that at least I get it from the new friends ( in real life and here )I have made that are not JW's. I think that has kept my sanity , it has kept me from falling back into the old ways of thinking , blaming myself for everything, belieivng that everything was my fault, and giving in and not standing up for myself.

Do you feel you NEED Acknowledgement and Validation , do you feel it is important to tell your side of things? Or do you just put the past behind you , not feeling the need to tell anyone of the things you went thru?

codeblue

Yes I do need both of those things!!!!!!

My latest thread is about that and the lack of love I have received because it is a one sided love when you are a JW.

I read your thread with great interest, and I understand the need to be HEARD!!! We all need validation!

I am listening and I care about you too

CodeBlue

CeriseRose

I agree that it's very natural to need that...especially in a situation where you're being disfellowshipped or have left. The place you need to "vindicate" yourself and "set matters straight" is no longer open to you to do so.

For myself, I've been "out" for a few months, I'm settled within myself, my life. Why does it hurt that they label me apostate? Why does it hurt that all I ever asked for is understanding and they gave none? These people mean nothing to me anymore, not on any real level. But I want them to acknowledge their part, their failure to support me, their inability to show the love they said they would. I don't think I will feel validated until I have those words, those expressions, from those who abused my trust and my faith.

And there are many who have had it much worse than me, who've lost more, who've bled more, who've suffered more physical and emotional pain at the hands of their abusers...and they go unacknowledged and unvalidated too. Cast aside and not just forgotten, but villified after the fact.

That's why I think places like this are so important. Not only the connection, but the telling and re-telling of our stories...and to hear from someone that we're okay and good.

Acknowledging that we need that makes us strong. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Sassy

yes LyinEyes.. I definately feel that way. I am not sure I understand it, but I do have the need for validation .. to be understood.. We can go on with our lives and even be happy, but there is still a void, and emptiness, something that feels unfinished, unresolved and I think you hit the nail on the head why.

HappyDad

Do you feel you NEED Acknowledgement and Validation , do you feel it is important to tell your side of things? Or do you just put the past behind you , not feeling the need to tell anyone of the things you went thru?

Yes..........I love validation when I can get it. It gives me satisfaction that there is someone else who doesn't believe the crap either.

Happydad

wheres caleb?

Even the Society has written about the importance of validation. In their infinite wisdom they patronize their flock and offer empty expressions of psuedo love. Obligation and responsibility come first and they drive that point home by using guilt. One elder said that if you only go out in field service for two hours a month, then you only loved Jehovah for two hours. Makes you want to knock on doors, doesn't it?

They focus on 'results' and not 'cause'. I always wondered why they focus counsel on those that have been hurt and never those doing the hurting. They would write about how sad it is to see someone stop attending meetings because they were hurt. "Why let someone rob you of your joy?" They would be missing out on the joy and spiritual food provided at the meetings. Sentiments like that rob you of any self-worth because you are expected to just suck it up and 'keep putting up with one another'. Misapplication of principle seems to be their hallmark.

What about those that do the hurting? They get all the validation they need by hypocritically hiding behind the scriptures and believing that their best intentions can be misunderstood by the spiritualy weak. They don't have to answer for anything. But who's judging? They are! No accountability for them, no validation for the abused, is it any wonder that so many yearn for validation?

I need validation and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Will I get it at the kingdom hall? Absolutely not.

Midget-Sasquatch

Made to be an outsider in one world, and personally feeling like one in the jw universe: validation and acknowledgement for who I was was something I really needed and never got from the dubs.

But I've met up with a whole slew of people later on at university and work that started to make me feel a bit better about myself. Little stuff always did it. Because they were without agendas or conditions.

Granny Linda

That validation is a basic human need, but one we rarily received as a JW.

It took years for me to reconize that much of my own sense of worth came from my jobs. It puzzled me for a long time why I would question promotions, etc. What did those people see in me that I could not reconize within...and so it's been a long road of recovery. And I'm glad to say the worst is behind me.

"Today" is the important one. How do I validate and acknowledge others? By not using shame as an attack upon their person - as was done not only me, but so many others whether or not we were raised in a sickening religion.

I was told many years ago when first getting into recovery (actually it's been 17 years) that it was a process of self discovery. And I've discovered that I am worthy and my voice does matter.

GL

outbutnotdown

Lyin' Eyes,

I think it is absolutely necessary for us to fulfill that need for acknowledgement and validation. Other people have already made good points here, so I'll be brief. I just wanted to let you know, from personal experience, the best you can do is tell your story, as it is..... the truth. Sometimes it may be awhile in coming... sometimes you won't even get the acknowledgment from some you think may need it from, but being true to yourself will eventually bring about the validation you need.

Brad

Sirona

Lyineyes,

You make a good point. I think that there is a balance between wanting validation and letting things go that you can't change. That is a difficult one and I know I haven't mastered it.

Granny Linda

It took years for me to reconize that much of my own sense of worth came from my jobs. It puzzled me for a long time why I would question promotions, etc. What did those people see in me that I could not reconize within...and so it's been a long road of recovery. And I'm glad to say the worst is behind me.

That is me 100%. What I mean is, I'm only just realising how I get self worth from my job. I have a good job, but I can honestly say that I'm taken for granted and I know it. I'm holding together way too much for this small company I work for, but in some wierd way having that much influence and doing that much makes me feel good about me. I stress too much and I seem to be reluctant to change employment, so I get frustrated and get taken for granted even more. Then I convince myself that it isn't all that bad. The reason I don't leave is not due to money or lack of opportunity, it is due to the fact that I build confidence by having this job. If I didn't have it, who would I be?

That is a difficult thing to acknowledge.

Sirona

The NEED for Acknowledgement and Validation..what do you think?

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