How does one forgive ??? PLEASE, I really need your help, PLEASE ???

run dont walk

well, the worst case scenario happened in my life,

i had a topic awhile back about, have you ever thought about leaving your mate for someone else??

I never updated as much as I should of ?

but to make a long story short, I declined on the opportunity,

But I recently found out, that last month while my wife was in Ontario, that she had sex with someone else while she was there. this is the first time she has ever done this, she says she was very unhappy in our relationship, and one thing led to another. I am totally crushed. I want to forgive her, but I don't know how.

WHY, does it take a serious situation, for people to realize how wonderful their mate is ???

the last 60 days of my life have been a nightmare, basically, when she came back I knew something just wasn't right, I had a women's intuition (for lack of a better phrase), so I bought a phone recorder (absolutely awesome by the way, $150, if you want to find out about what your mate or kids are up to, I would strongly suggest it, as bad as that may sound), it turns on when the phone is picked up, and even when the phone starts to ring for incoming calls, basically any reaction to the phone line starts the recorder. So after a couple weeks I caught a converstaion with her and him, saying what happened, it was devastating, I would NOT wish this on my Worst enemy,(maybe a JW, maybe, no not even), when I confronted her, she denied it adamantly, then when I played the conversation, she died.

I just dont know what to do, i never drank much, now I drink everyday, i'm coming apart, guess I never realized how much i loved her, she is very sorry for what happened, and if she could take it back she would, but this is tough, where does one begin??? she is genuinely sorry.

We are trying to pick up the pieces, but I don't know, if its fixable.Her sister, where she was staying said, "well, its your fault, you deserved it", I always hated her family.

All I can say to you all reading this, hold your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend tonight and tell them how much you love them.

lol everyone, I need help.

run

run dont walk

and by the way, if you're thinking about screwing around, DONT DO IT, its not worth the pain.

MonkeyPrincess

run, i am so sorry this happend to you, it is a terrible situation, and as much as i wish i had some advice for you, i really dont.
all i know is what i see from the outside looking in..
my sister cheated on her husband, even though he said he forgave her and tried to work on their relationship, he would ultimatly throw it in her face everytime an argument erupted. the problem is that you can try and put it behind you, but it might still always be there in the back of your mind, and you would both be miserable. If you are both willing to work on your relationship, you should seek couseling together, its really the best way to solve your problems by getting them out on the table and facing them. i wish you the best of luck, no one deserves to be put in this situation, just know that its not all your fault.

Hugs to you!!!!!

MP

Wolfgirl

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you. The only thing I can suggest is to seek professional help, both of you together, because this situation is too tough to try to handle on your own.

Navigator

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. A couple of my kids have gone through similar situations. I know how painful it was for them. As you know, it is a major cause of divorce. In my 21 year military career, I saw a lot of this. Most of the folks I know that divorced their spouses because of marital infidelity wished later that they hadn't. Professional counseling is definitely called for. Your sister in law is participating in a natural tendency that all humans have of projecting guilt onto someone else. There is a line in Richard Bach's book Illusions that may be helpful. It goes "there is no problem that comes to us without bearing a blessing in its hands. We seek the problems because we need the blessings." In your own words you said "I guess I never realized how much I loved her". Is that not a blessing? While you are not responsible for your wife's action, you are responsible for how you react to it. Drinking is not going to help. There are two ways to forgive. One is to choose to overlook an imagined wrong that was done to you. The problem with that method is that it is always there lurking in the back of your mind and tends to come out under stress. The other way is to come to the realization that the "inner you", the immortal you, the real you is untouched by anything that has happened in this insane illusion we call life on earth. I know this is advanced metaphysics but it does work. Major problems are what cause us to examine the path we are on and to make corrections. God Bless you both!

Tim Horton

Run
I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. I am married myself and have often considered that to be my worst nightmare. I was in a long relationship before my marriage to my husband where I found out at a party that my boyfriend was cheating on me with 2 different girls steadily at the same time for quite some time. My experience was not a good one. I decided to forgive him as he begged and pleaded and told me he would never do it again, but guess what he did do it again and again. It was very sad. Mind you, I had not invested the time and love in a marriage that you have with your wife. Now I have invested 7 years with my loving husband and if it happened now I would not be able to walk away so easily either. I would definately go to counselling if she is a decent lady and deserves your love. If she doesn't deserve you then maybe it's time to seriously examine things and move on. Nobody deserves to be betrayed like that. I don't believe there is any excuse for that kind of behavior, I don't care what the situation is. If your not happy with your partner then leave and then find someone else. Don't cheat. I hope you get the drinking under control as that will only lead to depression and more problems. I hope you're going to be ok. It's going to be very hard but you can do it. I know you can. I feel for ya.

Scully

I agree with the poster who advised you to seek counselling together with your wife. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain and anguish. It's understandable that you're medicating your emotional pain with alcohol, but you aren't going to find answers to this problem in the bottom of a bottle. Please don't complicate the problems by adding drinking to the mix. You need to deal with this issue urgently, the same way you would if your house was on fire.

You both have to make a decision whether each of you, separately, value your relationship and your marriage enough to try to work this out. I know you do, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that she may not.

By the way, it's too soon to be asking yourself to forgive her for this. But it's not too early to be giving some serious thought to the contributing factors on your part that may have made her feel that she wasn't getting the love and nurturing and acceptance that she needed from you, and the resulting feeling that she had to seek those things from someone else.

Maybe in time, when the shock and pain of all this has diminished sufficiently, you will be able to forgive her for betraying you. In a situation like this, it is extremely difficult to forgive, because most of us have learned that when you forgive it somehow makes whatever the other person has done "OK". We resist forgiving, because we know that nothing will ever make cheating on your spouse "OK" and we don't want to give them the message that what they did was "OK". Forgiveness really isn't about them. It's about you. It's about letting go of the anger and the hurt that this betrayal has caused you, and being free of that pain. It's still too soon for you to expect this of yourself. But, in time, this can be a gift that you can give to yourself. You do need to give this to yourself so you don't carry around pain and distrust for the rest of your life. Remember, you aren't forgiving for her sake, but for yours.

Once you and your wife have gone through counselling and have cleared the air of the issues you both have, hopefully you'll both be doing better in taking care of each others' needs. You have to re-build your relationship, create a new history together and "affair-proof" your marriage with the help of your counsellor. And eventually, she needs to be able to forgive herself for cheating... that may take longer for her to do than for you.

Love, Scully

candidlynuts

way too early to talk about forgiveness..she's still in contact with him? (a no no if your both wanting to work things out)

definitely get counseling if you both want it to work. and if at all possible work on not becoming bitter. anger is healthy..bitterness will just eat you inside out. ( wish i'd had that advice back when my ex cheated)

hugs

jgnat

I have not experienced this sort of pain, so I can't speak directly to your problem. I especially like Navigator's and Scully's advice. My abusive ex-husband asked for forgiveness regularly, and I gave it. Too readily. Forgiving somebody does not mean giving them permission to treat you like a doormat. Yes, it is too early to forgive.

It does sound like you know you have a wonderful woman, a "keeper". If so, between you both, find a way to keep her.

teejay

Are there children?

How does one forgive ??? PLEASE, I really need your help, PLEASE ???

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