The most frustrating, sad thing in the world

by Soledad 15 Replies latest social relationships

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  Soledad

  I just learned that an ex-cowoker of mine became engaged to her abusive boyfriend. She is probably one of the brightest, prettiest people I have ever known--but she doesn't believe that because her boyfriend would rather have her believe she is dumb, ugly and nothing at all without him.

  I am so sad for this girl.

  She was in college last year and he made her give it up. He made her lose her job (the job where I work) because he would call so often and threaten other co-workers on the phone if he couldn't speak to her. He's controlling, demanding, abusive and to boot unfaithful. He puts her down in front of his family. He doesn't stick up for her when his family insults her and/or mistreats her. Quite contrary, he blames her for his and his family's behavior. While she was working with me, she spent most of her day on the phone with him arguing and crying. It was so disruptive of our work day. If she wasn't home "on time" there was a beating. He would also lock her up in the house when he went out in the evenings with his friends. This girl weighs about 95 lbs. The bruises and welts on her body were heartbreaking to see, even though she tried her hardest to cover them up.

  I only told her that I wished her the best and if there was anything at all I could do for her to let me know. Of course she knows that I don't approve of this at all, but what can I do? So many times I have spoken with her, called her on the phone at her house while that sicko was yelling and throwing things at her. But she refuses to call police or to leave him. I even tried phoning her mother once to let her in on what's happening, but she begged me not to do that. I know she is petrified of him, and with good reason. I just don't know what to do, what magic words to say to make her wake up before it's too late. I have the awful feeling that I'll be reading her obituary in the newspaper soon.....

  It's frustrating to the extreme. I can't even look at this guy without feeling my blood start to boil. Heaven help me, but I feel like filleting him with a rusty machete!!
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  gypsywildone

  You might want to give her a book called Women Who Love Too Much. Or some books on co-dependency.
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  mkr32208

  you live in NEW YORAK go down to da docks and hire some uh da boies to go and ah have a talk with dis hera gentlmen...

  Seriously there's nothing you can do I'm in law enforcement and see this all the time she's damaged goods and unless she wants help ain't no help she can get... even if the cops catch him at it he'll be back on the streets in 12-24 hrs usually gets no sentence or light sentence and beats her worse because it's her fault he got in trouble... there are ways to handle it but if we discuss them simon will delete my post!

  Hey maybe you should pray and see if that helps LOL!
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  czarofmischief

  Yeah, if she doesn't want help there's nothing you can do.

  Good luck.

  CZAR
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  Scully

  If she was a friend of mine, I'd say something like "I'm terrified that he will kill you. I'm terrified that he will do to your babies what he is doing to you. If you ever want to go to a shelter, I will take you there myself any time of the day or night. I want you to be safe and happy, and I want you around for a long time."

  Love, Scully
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  Mecurious?

  if we discuss them simon will delete my post!

  Can you at least give us a hint? Cuz theres a guy that I know going through the same thing.

  M'
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  Princess

  I would tell her family. I'd rather sacrifice a friendship than read her obituary. Do whatever it takes...
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  mkr32208

  A guy? his wife/girlfriend/woman is beating him up? Easy advice KICK HER ASS (just kidding simon just kiddding... maybe)

  Unfortunaly it all comes down to her and it sounds like she is going to get herself killed... sad but true and if you did manage to get her away from this guy the next guy she finds will be the same guy with a different face!

  I can't advocate anything illegal the easiest thing is if she would just agree to leave.

  If this guy is crazy violent then let her come to your house. If he starts to be threatening get a court order stating that he is threatening you as well. Then when he comes up and knocks on the door give him both barrels of double aught straight though the door don't even open it just look out make sure he is centered and pull the trigger... you're safe because with the threatening injunction it's self defense!

  This is the reality of our world their are two types humans and vermin. People who go around cutting peoples heads off or beating their woman (or men) to death are vermin. Vermin deserve what they get. Thats reality it sucks but thats the way it is.

  You could tell the police on your own tell them the situation and sometimes if you tell the right policeman they are willing to go and "talk" to him.

  Hopefully you will read this before simon deletes it...
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  frenchbabyface

  If she was a friend of mine, I'd say something like "I'm terrified that he will kill you. I'm terrified that he will do to your babies what he is doing to you. If you ever want to go to a shelter, I will take you there myself any time of the day or night. I want you to be safe and happy, and I want you around for a long time."

  Love, Scully

  Not much more that you can do ... (she needs to wake up by herself - so it's all about let her know how terrible it can be "choc her" and if she's not affraid enough about her, she might thinking about it deeper in thinking of their eventuel futur kids ... in knowing that's she's lucky by now to not having one yet out of this union). Also Books "like said above", talk more than friends - it's not related to them, but it talks about them, for some reason it might wake up her objectivity ... Just be there when needed but think about telling her that of course this is just a dream and she'll be able to be totally protected when out of hands of this guy, cause anything can happen at anytime. Nothing will change but will only get worse if she don't put a stop on this guy - who would like to loose such power on a human being (woman or man) ? ... Good that she doesn't have a job actually - she can settle herself on the other side of the country if she wants ... Also tell her that there's probably a lot of people willing and ready to help her (friends and social services) ... in many ways ... but are not allowed as far as they don't know where she stands ... WITH HIM she's in fact ALONE ... it's all about making the decision in time before to much loss on her side and only on her side ...
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  zugzwang

  "I would tell her family. I'd rather sacrifice a friendship than read her obituary. Do whatever it takes..." I would agree with that statement. It sounds like she is definitely co-dependent. That's is difficult because she is drawn to negative situations because she feels the need to "fix" someone else. Of course that never works and it only makes a person like her that much more determined to "fix" the other person. It's a vicious cycle. She can't stop it because she doesn't even realize she's in it. Intervention from others is definitely necessary. She may hate you but she'll be alive to do so. zugz