That was the response that I got from a relative when I asked if they would shun me if I came to my grandmother's memorial service.
The same relative thinks that I should go, despite that because it's a public event but that if I did I should realize that I'd still be handled as a df'd person. Meaning, they would all shun me.
I have for days been trying to help this relative arrange my grandmother's burial with another relative who has refused to sign necessary papers. I even offered to pay for said burial out of my own pocket if money were an issue. But it's not going to happen because relative A won't deal with relative B, period. Nothing I can do, I have no legal leg to stand on.
So relative B is complaining about the rift with A to me, and complaining that not all the family may come to the memorial. When I told them that I wondered if I would go because I didn't know if I could handle being shunned while I am desperately grieving my grandmother, the above was the response. It was followed by "If I can assist you in helping to return you to the congregation let me know."
Why? So I can be loving and kind, like the wonderful christians who would stand there and ignore a close relative at a funeral?! When members of the family who know the religion full well and have lived lives that make me look like a saint (ha) but didn't make the mistake of getting in the pool when they were children can associate with the family at any time in any way no matter how much they use drugs, produce children out of wedlock, or go to jail? (none of which i've done).
No, thank you. I'd rather die an "apostate" than live a hypocrite.
Even my grandmother wouldn't want me to put myself through that. She had huge issues with the family treating me that way and told me so and she always, always loved me no matter what.
I had something of an odd occurrance yesterday when going through her things to get some keepsakes with my mom, something that indicated that I am supposed to go on a trip we're about to leave on. Something that couldn't have been coincidence. I think in her own way, wherever she is now, grandma was telling me that not only does she love me but that she wants me to go on, and be happy. That was all she wanted me to be since I was a child. My mother said "Jehovah is trying to tell you something" but that, I doubt. It was grandma.
I just cannot fathom how anyone could be so cold as they are at times like this. It's not like I showed up at a family celebration like a wedding. I've already missed more of those than I can count due to shunning.
I wrote the relative back and said that I didn't want to be handled, I just wanted to be part of my family even though I am not a JW. He left it by saying he wanted to see me alone when he is here for the funeral because he wants to clear up misunderstandings I have of the arrangement and he wants to clear that up.
I think not. I mean, I think that I thoroughly understand the concept, I was born into the JW's and was until mid 20's. Lets see, you guys think I have this right? the way that I understand the concept perfectly well, it's simple really.
If I'm a JW, then I am good enough to be a member of my own family. If I am no longer a JW, I am not.
Where is the misunderstanding in that?
At least he knows that I ended things by saying that my love for them is unconditional. That is all I can do. I told them my door is always open and all I can hope is that someday, they will see that I am a person separate from the religion.
But I'm not holding my breath.
Last year when my grandmother was battling cancer, I stayed up all night to make her a handmade blanket to keep her warm during treatments because she was so very thin. I Fed Ex-ed it to her where she was staying with these relatives. Someone saw the blanket and box and said to her, "You're still having contact with that apostate?" my grandmother was so upset that she cried and didn't come out of her room for more than a day until another relative finally talked her out. Her relationship with the person who said that was never the same.
Anyone who would use love of god and christ as the basis for making an old woman cry over a gift like that from someone who loved her is not someone that I ever, ever want to call my 'brother'.
My mother is still using the "if you want to please grandmother then grant her dearest wish and go back to the organization." I told her on the phone, mom, I can't be like them. I just can't.
How come this still hurts so bad :( You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
Thanks for listening.