I'm new and need advice

by lucky 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • lucky
    lucky

    Hello everyone.

    I am new to this board (although I have "lurked" on and off for the past few years and feel that I know many of you already. Thank you for the huge help your comments have been).

    I will give a brief bit of background and then ask for some advice. My mom was baptized when I was very young and I was raised in the truth, along with my siblings. I was baptized when I was 16 and after high school graduation pioneered for five years. I had numerous doubts growing up, but told myself (and prayed to Jehovah and told him) from an early age (11 or 12) that the 1914 generation teaching was my "out": if the Society ever changed its teachings about this policy it was my sign that it was not the truth and that I should leave. After the district convention during which the society changed its policy (1995, I believe?) I made my decision, but it still took me a couple years to get the guts to leave. I've read with interest all the posts regarding "fading". I guess due to my overachieving personality, this never seemed like an option to me. In fact, the last month that I was active, I auxiliary pioneered. The month I left I got married to an "unbeliever" (this seemed like a good excuse for an "out" and I barely knew him at the time, but miraculously, seven years later, we're still happily married). I somehow convinced my mother (who was understandably devastated) and the elders in my congregation that I was just stressed out and needed a break and some time to think. A few months later, my husband and I moved across the country. Aside from a shepherding call (during which I was very pleasant but didn't talk much) arranged by my mother in our new location, I haven't had any contact with witnesses since.

    Here's my dilemma: my mother (and my siblings, who are active witnesses) think that I am "inactive" but still believe it is the truth (which I definitely don't). My husband and I have recently begun to attempt to start a family. We would like to raise our child/children in a "normal" way. Since leaving the witnesses, I have voted, exchanged gifts for birthdays and holidays with other relatives and friends, watched R rated movies, etc. I have kept all of my "worldy activities" a secret from my family, which has been difficult at times. Obviously, after having children, my mother will wonder why I'm not raising them in accordance with "my" beliefs and keeping this a secret will be much harder. What should I do? I'm tired of pretending that I still believe it's the truth, but I don't want to lose my family. My mother very much "toes the line" and talks to the elders about everything. She is also extremely emotionally unstable and I know that even in my "inactive" state, I still provide her with a lot of emotional support. Can I still be disfellowshipped after all these years?

    Thank you :-)

  • candidlynuts
    candidlynuts

    hi and welcome!

    yeah if someone gets a notion to " make an example' you can be df'd or more than likely announced ' by your actions you've disassociated yourself'

    your distance from your regular congregation my stop that from happening.

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    ....and little munchkins, bless their soul, do grow up to speak their mind. Little JW munchkins ask adults why they want to die at armageddon, and little ordinary munchkins ask their JW grandma why in the heck she doesn't have a Christmas tree?

    Distance may help. Maybe discuss with your hubby some alternative strategies to field any nosy questions that might come up. Perhaps you can use the "depressed and discouraged" card for a while, saying you cannot bear to involve your children in something you are having doubts about yourself. Be vague about the doubts.

    Constantly reassure your mom that your love for her will never change. Establish this now, so if anything hits the fan, you can keep repeating that like a mantra. Don't allow her ever to say that YOU are doing the leaving.

    These are my thoughts anyhow. Only time will tell if they will work or not.

  • Bryan
    Bryan

    candid,

    You are going through what many, many people on this board have already experienced. I too, just moved out of town and quit about 10 years ago. To my knowledge there has been no announcement, nor am I dissfellowshipped. This was the second time I left though. Took two tries.

    All I can tell you is, when I was able to say, "This is my life and no one elses", I was able to emotionaly move on. It took the realization, understanding that I could live a wonderful, peacefull life, without people whom judge me and love me only conditionally.

    Currently, I have many distant relatives who will not speak to me, along with my father and step-mother. I have no friends from my JW past. And the hardest was this past summer when my 19 year old daughter told me she was getting married and never to call her again.

    After all this shunning though, I can tell you, I was never as happy in the bOrg as I am today. I would imagin that sooner or later it will be discovered that you have left the organization. Ask youself, is it better to just get on with it now, so I can heal sooner? Or would you rather continue to bear the stress of pretending, only to be discovered a non-witness later on?

    What ever you decide, I'm sure you will always find support here.

    Best regards,

    Bryan

  • mkr32208
    mkr32208

    Just blame your husband! hahahaha Well he wanted a christmas tree and you know headship and all that! Well he insist on celebrating the kids birthdays! He makes me trick or treat!

    hahahahhaha good luck with it!

  • BluesBrother
    BluesBrother

    umm , hard to make a definate answer. As I recall, the defining question was "Is he/she known as a witness in the local community?" So if the local dubs know you, pass the time of day and treat you as a 'lapsed sister' then the answer is, "Yes"

    If on the other hand, you have had no contact with the local congo, I do not think that they will want to start up trouble and devote their valuable time to somebody that they do not hardly know.

    If ,from their point of view, a person in the territory was once a witness and has a mother still in a different area, it is hardly their concern .

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    The Witness people started to shun me after I had been inactive as a believing walkaway for 18 years. At first I did not appreciate how much of a gift the shunning was. Now I do appreciate it. May it continue. It's the best gift they have ever given me. GaryB




  • MegaDude
    MegaDude
    Here's my dilemma: my mother (and my siblings, who are active witnesses) think that I am "inactive" but still believe it is the truth (which I definitely don't).

    If you wish to keep your JW relatives, you will have to continue this tactic.

    Obviously, after having children, my mother will wonder why I'm not raising them in accordance with "my" beliefs and keeping this a secret will be much harder. What should I do?

    If questions arise about birthdays, christmas, et cet, simply blame your husband. I know it's an act but that's what you'll have to do.

    I'm tired of pretending that I still believe it's the truth, but I don't want to lose my family.

    The straight, cold answer is you're simply going to have to maintain your "story" if you wish to keep your JW relatives.

    My mother very much "toes the line" and talks to the eldrs about everything. She is also extremely emotionally unstable and I know that even in my "inactive" state, I still provide her with a lot of emotional support.

    It's very loving of you to continue to give her emotional support. Your mom probably cannot handle knowing the JWs are a complete fabrication.

    Can I still be disfellowshipped after all these years?

    Absolutely you can.

    Although you're tired of maintaining the facade, that's the price you have to pay because of the Watchtower's paranoid rules. You have to decide if it's worth it. I think it is. You never know in years to come, when Armageddon still hasn't arrived yet, when you may see one of your siblings begin doubting, or perhaps even your mother. If you still have open lines of communication, you can assist them. My advice is to stay "underground" regarding your path for the sake of keeping your connection with your family.

  • lucky
    lucky

    Thanks, everyone, for your support and advice. I still don't know what to do. I guess for now, I will keep the "status quo" since I don't want to risk anything and I do have the constant hope that,even if my mom doesn't ever leave the witnesses, my younger siblings will someday decide they want to leave and that I'll be able to help them. And I talk to my mom regularly (mostly about her problems) and I can't imagine not being able to do that. I don't really feel that not being disassociated or disfellowshipped (I've been out of the truth for 7 years now) has really slowed up my "healing" at all. My husband cannot understand how I still want to maintain contact with my mom after my tumultous upbringing, but I do.

    But I also hate the thought of having to keep secrets (especially if it's potentially from "grandma"). I don't have any contact with any witnesses here in the local congregation (other than the one time an elder and his wife who came to visit me once a number of years ago at my mom's request). I don't have any contact with any witnesses other than my family. I HATE this!! It's so frustrating to finally feel "free" from the organization but still be essentially lying to my family. I know that if I told my mom that I was celebrating birthdays she'd freak out and tell the elders. I guess I can blame it on my husband, but I've been wimpy and spent the past seven years telling my mom that he doesn't care about holidays and doesn't miss them (which is true in part. We don't celebrate Christmas other than giving his parents and friends gifts. We do do birthdays, though). I guess I was hoping that the elders would tell her that since I'm far away and not "bringing reproach on Jehovah's organization" it's not worth making a fuss over.

    There must be other people in this situation...what have you done? How have you handled it? Also, what about Christmas? I feel weird about starting to celebrate Christmas (I'm certainly not dogmatic anymore about not saying "happy holidays" or exchanging gifts with friends, but we've never had a tree or decorated or actually exchanged gifts ourselves) especially since I no longer consider myself Christian anyways and I don't have any emotional attachment to it (other than a negative one). But I'm sure that having kids changes all this. I don't want any potential kids to be outcasts (especially without a reason).

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    I went public AFTER the Witness people started to shun me. I tried to walk on egg shells around them for years but when two of my sons and my parents started to shun me, I had absolutely nothing to lose to them. I much prefer being open and honest. The other way was too far from my beliefs. For me to live comfortably, I seem to need my behavior and my beliefs to match rather closely.

    If the cause was something important I may be able to see living a facade but this is just stupid. Witnessism is little more than a fairy tale . . . not even real. It's a bad ghost story turned into a billion dollar publishing and real estate development business.


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