Getting fed up with fading

by Pole 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Pole

  Thanks for your comments everyone.

  RandomTask:

  Yes, its about the time that you realize that the cage they had you in was only an illusion, that their power over you was imaginary and whatever "reprecussions" they would dole out to get you to do what they wanted were meaningless. When I ceased to care about what they did or thought then they ceased to have any power over me.

  Exactly. When I now see any of the elders I almost feel embarrassed for them, because they can't understand I don't recognize their WTS-given "authority" and there's nothing I can do to get this message across to them - even when I'm rude they just pretend nothing happened and call me a week later to remind me about the service report

  iiz2cool,

  As for the field service report?, you can always tell them you "make your sacrifice to God in secret", and he will "reward you in secret". What's the point in "blowing your trumpet ahead of you" as the pharises did?

  hehe. My beard makes any excuses incredible, though So I guess I'll simply be honest in this particular respect.

  kwintestal,

  I got tired of it quite quickly. The way I see it, what can they do? The majority of my family now aren't JW's, and I have no long term ties to any JW's around here.

  I too arranged things quite nicely with the few JW members of my family that I care about.

  evergreen,

  It was in this time i discovered this site and others and read crisis of conscience which i would never have done if i had been at the meetings and still had my fire and brimstone attitude.But even then i decided to go back and give it a bash and put everything to the back of my mind. But i simply cant; everything i have read about the watchtower just tells me that this is not the truth even though i truly believe that the rank and file are sincere people just as i was in my faith.

  This site has had a therapeutic effect on me as well. I mean when you've read dozens of similar experiences of people from all around the world, you become 100% convinced that no sentiment should hold you back on your way out of the WT land.

  But i have now made up my mind that this is really it ; i am just going to fade away ,try and meet some new friends and get on with my life. I am going to tell my wife any day now my position, the real reason . Also i will get round to telling my mother who is a complete zealot that i am not going back. With the elders i will just tell them that i dont feel like going as the moment or something to that effect. Yes my decision is to fade away and over the years people will get used to it, wether they like it or not. ( a lesser of 3 evils in their eyes)

  I hope sooner or later you will get just as bored and sick with the JW doctrines being imposed on yourself that it will made your fading process as fun as possible (despite family problems).

  I'm another one out of the borg. Even if I die tomorrow, I won't die a slave to WTS. What a relief!

  Pole
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  garybuss

  For me, walking on egg shells and hiding my thoughts and "acting" when I am around THEM was not a healthy way to live. Waiting to be found out and shunned is lonely and it is just a continuation of a feeling of impending doom. I want to know where I stand and I want to know where other people in my life stand. If the important people in my life will shun me if I am honest with them, I am thinking I need a new group of important people around me who know and accept the real me.
  
  When I was honest with my brother he told me I represent everything in the world he hates. When I was honest with my parents my mother told me she wished she had put me in a foster home as a child. These are the people I was protecting. I'm glad I didn't waste any more time acting like the dumb inactive Witness.
  
  When I went public the message delivered to me from local Witnesses was "We didn't like you when you were a Witness!". That matched my feelings and I am glad I moved on when I did. The ones who have made their personal choice to shun me are out of my life forever. I am very glad to be rid of them. They were just taking up space and time in my life and in the end all they had for me was grief. GaryB
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  Golf

  As an atheist/agnostic, why are you having problems confronting the elders? Garybuss said it succinctly. Guest77
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  Pole

  Gary, Guest 77

  I understand your reasons for handling the situation the way you did. However I think my family situation was slightly different. Think of this analogy: you meet a really nice girl at your workplace and you think she's the one. There are several way of trying to start a relationship with her. For instance, you could come up to her and shout in her face: "Hey, I really like your body, and from what you say, I gather you're quite smart too. Do you want to be with me for the rest of your life?". Or you could be more subtle and spend some time playing love games befor you finally make your proposition. Both ways could (theoretically) work. Both could hypothetically lead you to exactly the same result (marriage, etc.). However it's all about calculating risks and potential costs.

  I have been playing the fading game, because I've been very successful at it (my wife is joined me on my way out, and my mother understands my reasons after I gradually explained them to her). I don't even know how I would have reacted if I had been told the truth about the truth in its entirety a few years ago.

  So that was how I decided to handle the risk of being misunderstood.

  I am now getting tired with fading (some 7 months in my case), although I'm hardly paying any price other than having to tell the elders I don't want to meet them on one occasion. Still, this is a sort of emotional cost and the way I'm handling it is this: I simply don't bother to pretend any more (pretending is a big part of fading). I'm never going to go to a meeting again and I'm never going to meet the elders again. Am I still a Jehovah's Witness? If someone asks me, I'll say no. If they decide to df me for refusing to meet them - fine - it will be real fun to be df-ed for not meeting the elders. Probably it will allow me to stay in touch with a few JWs I know who might want to learn something about the WTS. If it costs me more than I am willing to pay, I simply won't bother to do it.

  Anyway, I'm out'n' free. My beard is growing, I got a few heavy metal records the other day, I am going to vote in the next election, and I use swear words when I feel like it!!! Just about all the things I missed when being a JW.

  I guess if the elders call me again when I have a bad day and ask me to meet them, I'll tell them it's all bs.

  I have been fading for 7 months. Now I'm tired of it. I'll wait for the events to unfold because it doesn't cost me anything at this stage. Meanwhile I'll live my life the way I want. Seems like I'm repeating myself, so I'd better stop now. :)))

  Cheers,

  Pole
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  garybuss

  Pole, Some of my Witness relatives seem mean, angry and unkind by nature. My quitting the group seems like it was just a convenience for them to legitimize their behaviors. It gave them the high ground in their minds.
  
  The thing they don't like, is I am not accepting it any more.
  
  People can either be nice to me and to people who are important to me, or they are not in my life. It's as simple as that. Once they have been willfully mean, and shunning and snubbing is willfully mean, I am not very anxious to give them any more opportunities to pull their stunts near me or my family. GaryB
  
  
  
  
  
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  crinklestein

  When I was honest with my brother he told me I represent everything in the world he hates. When I was honest with my parents my mother told me she wished she had put me in a foster home as a child. These are the people I was protecting. I'm glad I didn't waste any more time acting like the dumb inactive Witness.
  
  When I went public the message delivered to me from local Witnesses was "We didn't like you when you were a Witness!". That matched my feelings and I am glad I moved on when I did. The ones who have made their personal choice to shun me are out of my life forever. I am very glad to be rid of them. They were just taking up space and time in my life and in the end all they had for me was grief. GaryB

  Wow! Just wow! I think this says it best. It is true that you really see the true way people feel about you when you stand in opposition to them in your views of grand things. As long as you think the same things as they do then they put on the face of someone who is your friend. Change your views and it's "Well we never liked you anyway." I've dealt with family members that were this way when I confronted them on their rude behavior towards my mother and this was the same exact thing that was said to me. I just said, "See? The just admitted that for their ENTIRE LIVES they never liked me at all. Any form of friendly behavior on my behalf was a fraud. How can you trust ANYTHING ELSE they say or do now?"

  Once you see that true side it makes it that much easier to turn your back on them. I mean, don't those words just prove your way of thinking is correct? "I have doubts about this religion and it's people. I don't think I want anything more to do with it."
  "Well we didn't like you anyway," or "Well I hate everything about you and wish I gave you up for adoption". Doesn't that just PROVE that you were right in thinking that this religion is not the right one? You would think that, if they were interested in keeping you, they would at least try to put on the fake loving face and try to convince you that this is the place for you. But instead they just push you right out the door. At least it quickens the healing process as far as getting over the guilt of leaving "God's only true organization of Earth". But that's gotta suck when your mom says that to you. Damn that sucks.

  But your way of dealing with those that cause transgretions against you is the same exact way I deal with people. If you cross me or my loved ones you are out of my cool book and I will have nothing to do with you unless you apologize and show me that you won't do that again. But one more chance is all they get because I use the old adage "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." I'm not going to be a fool that let's people walk all over me just because they apologize for it afterwards.
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  willyloman

  The whole purpose of doing the fade is to buy time to collect your family, gain new friends, develop other interests. At some point, if you're doing it right, you will no longer have fear the WTS organism because they will no longer be able to hold you or your family hostage.

  It sounds as if Pole is pretty much there.
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  Pole

  Gary,
  
  As you said - some of your witness relatives were like that. And from what you say it seem s like they fully deserved your reaction. It's amazing how similar JWism is around the world.
  
  Actually when I decided to have an honest discussion with my witness mother and wife I was perfectly ready to do pretty much the same thing you did if they shunned me. The thing is they didn't. They were the only reason why I decided to play the fading game for a few months. And as I see it now - I think it did work for me. I may have been manipulative, or not entirely honest from the start, but when I tell them now how I tried to manipulate them they only have a good laugh about it.
  
  willyoman,
  
  You mentioned interests, friends and family. I had first developed interests (a few years ago actually), then I made great "worldy" friends. Then I did some research. Then I knew for sure that the WTS doctrine is a sham. It took me a few years altogether to complete the mental healing process. Then I thought how to make some of my family members go through the same process in a few months. And yes: I am "pretty much there". Life is good :).
  
  Pole
• 

  gitasatsangha

  Pole,

  I severed ties with the JW's officially, and was subsequently DA'd by them, because i didn't want my name connected with them in any way. I have not regretted that. I will never have to worry about any accuontability to being involved with them, neither to myself or to others.
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  Pole

  gitasatsangha,
  
  At this stage I'm ready to be DA-ed DF-ed or D-whatever too if that has to part of the game. It will be fun if nothing else:)).