Welcome ladies and germs,
I just flew in from Cleveland tonight, and boy are my arms tired!
We have a special guest in our audience tonight. Right over there, it's God. Instead of having God stand up and take a bow, lets have Him stand and we'll bow before Him! Ohhh....kaaaay! Not funny. Seriously folks, I want to express my thanks to God for attending our show! Hopefully you'll leave a little happier and have a big smile on your face, your Holiness.
You know, folks, it's not easy being God. He can never please everyone. A cardinal in Rome woke up the Pope in the middle of the night tonight and said, "Pope! Pope! Ive got good news and I've got bad news!"
"What's the good news?" the Pope asked.
"God just phoned to tell us He's visiting the Earth tonight!"
"Cool!" said the Pope. "What's the bad news?"
"He just called me from Salt Lake City."
George W. visited the Clintons and they went out to dinner. Their limo crashed and they all went to heaven. God doesn't really pay much attention to politics, so when they came before him, He wasn't sure who they were. So He asked George W. "Who are you?"
"Well I'm George W. Bush, the President of the United States!"
God says, "Hey, that's an important job. You may sit at my right hand."
He asks Bill Clinton next who he is.
"Well I'm Bill Clinton, former President of the United States."
"Oh, wow, that's impressive too. You may sit at my left hand."
He turns to Hillary. "And who are you, little lady?"
"Well, I'm Hillary, and I think you've got my seat!"
I see God is enjoying himself. Most people don't think He's got a sense of humor. But then they've never stopped to consider that He made the whole world and everything in it... it was all perfect... and then he made us!
And then we made religion...
God... just between you and me, you're a really great guy, its just that you've got lousy PR down here! Think about giving the religious leaders the boot and hiring Madison Avenue. Get some ads into some of the more popular magazines and pull the plug on the Watchtower. Some billboards, a TV spot or two, and your in.
Can you imagine some of the slogans?
God has a better idea!
I'd walk a mile for God!
God, He brings new things to light!
Yo quiero, God!
But my favorite is to invent something cuter than a gecko and then go with, "God, 15 minutes or less could say you a whole lot of money on afterlife insurance!"
Well it's been great. You've been a good audience, especially you God. Glad we made you happy tonight. Good night everybody!