This is my first post and I wanted to say that I've been reading this site for about 2 or 3 weeks now on and off. My experiences are nowhere near as deep as many of people on these forums but I did study the JW/Watchtower material for about 2 1/2 years starting when i was like 15. I kept many of those beliefs with me even after I stopped studying on a regular basis around the year 2000. I'm 22 now and it wasn't until very recently that I was finally realizing the grim reality of the JW religion. I guess you could call that "new light"...
Anyways, I always maintained the mindset that the JW religion was the correct religion mainly because I didn't grow up in any religion. My parents were never entirely religious(catholic only due to spanish culture) and it wasn't until my parents started studying with the JW that I got caught up into it. I would listen to their bible studies since me and my sister had to be very quiet and all we could do was just sit in our rooms and wait. I couldn't play any videogames, watch tv or listen to music during this period. Looking back now, I would assume that my parents didn't want to teach me the religion until they were entirely sure about it themselves. My father got caught up in it and my mother didn't believe many of their teachings. My mother had many catholic ideologies which were being resented in front of her and she couldn't swallow all of their jargon and interpretations of the same things she was taught. I merely continued studying with them because I had no background so it was easy for me to get caught up in it since I had no other belief system to destroy. I was fresh meat for the pickings and my father stopped studying and I continued until about 18 years of age.
I remember when my schedule was just too much to handle the studying and I'm thankful that it was otherwise I would've continued my studies. I was working 60-70 hours a week at my job and trying to save money for college and I remember how they would talk to me that it's always important to find time for Jehovah and to never let him leave your heart. This was a very difficult time for me because I met some very nice and interesting people after 18 with my job and college. I got caught up with certain drugs and a complete 180 in lifestyle. I would have paranoia attacks. Vision of death and my ultimate demise because I was going against everything I was taught. I was taught to continue studying, that the world could end at any moment and to have the fear of Jehovah in me. Mix this with marijuana and it does not make for a good mental process. I remember hanging out with friends and over-analyzing my fears and almost having panick attacks. Fearing that the world would end right then and there and how could I explain to God that I was destroyed while being high. While being surrounded by other people who did not belong to Jehovah. It was all so scary that I can't really explain it. I saw my friends as "enemies". I saw all my actions as a failure to God. I envisioned everyone around me(usually when I was high) as actual demons. That their number one goal was a mission sent out by Satan to find me, as Satan could do to everyone. That he had corrupted others and that it was a circle of evil and I had also been consumed.
I know you may think I'm a little out there, but I'm sure we all have had some kind of panic attack doubting the fact that we originally doubted the WT and JWs. That everything would come true that they would be saved and you would miss out on the boat. To be destroyed. Given the fact that my father still believed in the religion despite not having time to study himself kept me in that same mindset. He and I would agree on many things about the bible because we were mouth-fed the same dribble.
And then, after about 2 years of experimenting with my new lifestyle with occasional marijuana use, I made a goal to stop smoking. As I did, almost 3 years ago. I don't know what day it was, but I quit. I changed that lifestyle but I did not return to the religion. I met a friend, now my best friend, who has a very open mind and a remarkable ability to basically try anything. He doesn't do stupid stuff, but he's open minded and helped me thinking clearly and see things differently. He helped me learn about life and what to expect from it. There are many things I don't believe that he believes in such as atheism, but he painted for me a different perspective about life.
My awareness for the wrong teachings of the WT and JWs arrived just recently. I have an individual at my job who is JW and he started giving me Awake! and WT magazines. I would skim through it, but I, without reading anything negative about the JWs, immediately made a realization that what the JWs taught was wrong. That there were many things wrong with the religion. My biggest problem with it is the shunning and disfellowshipping. I never went to the Kingdom Hall as my mother did not allow me to go. She would always say that it was a cult or that there was something fishy about the whole thing. She told me that I was smarter than that and that she hoped that I could see it before it was too late. And now, over the last 3 or 4 months, I did see that all of my mom's doubts were true. And I felt stupid, but I couldn't let it bring me down. I've been with my gf for almost 3 years and she is catholic and we would always argue about certain things like celebrating holidays and other silly beliefs from the JW.
And it isn't until this year, 2004, almost 8 years since i started studying with the JWs that I finally have experienced the true love in my heart for one another. For family, for friends, for everyone and for Christmas. I used to not celebrate christmas in spirit. I would just buy gifts so people didn't think I was cheap or a jerk or whatever. I'm glad I wasn't 100% in the religion so that it only took 8 years to break the cycle. But this year, this year especially, I have a new love in my heart, one that I cannot explain for this wonderful time of year. Me and my gf have bonded so much deeper simply with 2 words...Merry Christmas!
I see everyone around me being happy and full of Joy and celebrating and singing christmas carols and dancing and enjoying each other's company and then I see the misery in the heart of my co-worker who is JW. He criticizes me sometimes for taking part in "a worldly activity" because when we first met I told him that I had studying before in which he began to latch onto me trying to get me back in the religion. I see him just miserable and every chance he gets he'll be immature and just scoff the whole celebrating thing. I have a little tree on my desk and some decorations and the only desk in the entire office-space without decorations is his. He's depressed and we aren't and I feel sad that it is that way. He once knocked over some decorations from the christmas tree in the middle of the floor "on accident" and then when i told him he should put them back on, he merely picked it up and tossed them under the tree as if it would offend Jehovah that he decorated a tree. Maybe he would've been disfellowshipped for putting on a christmas decoration....WHO KNOWS???
And after all this typing and after all about my story and interpretation i simply want to say that it feels remarkable to actually feel love and truly understand what it is to be loved and to love others and to not always have to judge someone for their actions and act that I am better than someone because I am involved in a particular religion. It is that love that I hold in my heart. I don't associate myself with any religion although I do believe in God. I simply live my life based on a scripture in the Holy Bible...I don't know exactly how it goes, but it does refer to the fact that we should all walk and live our lives as if in the image of Jesus. To be kind to others and to show that kindness to everyone. Unfortunately the JWs didn't read that scripture. I'm not very good when it comes to scriptures so I hope someone could enlighten me as to where in the bible is that scripture and how is it actually worded!
Thank You! Sorry for the length but I wanted to tell my story and glad that I broke the chains linked to the WT ideologies and paradigm.