Letting myself get frustrated

by redskymedic 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  redskymedic

  The only JW I still have contact with is my mother, mainly due to the fact that she is close with my 12-yr old son. She is single (divorced actually), cleans for a living, if that's what you can call it and has no other children. While she doesn't shun me per se, she certainly isn't overly friendly and keeps most of our communication limited to grandkid info. Anyway . . .I've been thinking more and more recently- what is going to happen when she is incapacitated and can no longer work? Who is going to take care of her? What if she ends up needing nursing care down the road? Or live-in assistance? Who is she going to turn to for financial and physical help? The witnesses aren't going to help (not in my experience anyway). None of them would take her into their home. Is this MY responsibility as a 'shunned' child? Is she going to come to ME after not wanting me in her life and ask for my help? I'm half tempted to pose this to her. If she treats me like *(&^ now, don't you dare come to me down the road when you need help. Am I being unreasonable here? Thanks for listening to me vent, I don't know why I am so bothered again all of a sudden.

  Red
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  roybatty

  I know the feeling. After I was Da'd, my family - especially my mother - treated me like I no longer existed. Most JW's can find SOME type of excuse to call (i.e. want to see the grand kids). Anyway, without going into too much detail, when my father died in a car accident suddenly all of them were calling me. "We need you to take care of the funeral, run the business, talk to the lawyer, talk to the accountant, etc." At first I was "oh sure, now you talk to me when you need something" but I didn't give them any attitude. I took care of the funeral. Took over running the family business. Make sure mom's house is kept up and she's taken care of.

  In the end, I've realized that other people's cruelity doesn't control whether or not I do the loving thing. Like you, I feel "frustrated" at times because it can feel like you're being taken advantage of. But I feel better knowing that I'm doing the right thing.
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  redhotchilipepper

  Redskymedic: Do you mind my asking what is wrong with your mother? Does she have a medical condition. Sorry, I haven't read many of your threads yet? I have been in a similar situation with my own son, though, so I totally can relate! Redhot!
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  redhotchilipepper

  My son is 13 now!
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  redskymedic

  Redhot~ oh nothing's wrong with her yet. She's only in her early 50's, so I guess I'm jumping the gun a bit here. She has been ill in the past and I have been the only one to consistantly be of any help, that's what got me started on the whole idea of old age, etc. So you have a 13 yr. old son and your mom is a JW? Yep, sounds a lot like me. How long have you been out? Were you DF'd, DA'd, faded out? Don't mean to be nosey, just curious. It's been 8 or so years that I've been away. How is your relationship with your mother? Any influence on your son? I may have read answers to these questions already in previous posts, but I can't keep track, I read so many.
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  Dawn

  I've realized that other people's cruelity doesn't control whether or not I do the loving thing.

  I agree!

  Redsky - I'm in that position now. My mom does talk to me, but won't do "social" things with me very often. She is elderly and is loosing her sight. My dad passed away a few years back and my brothers are not here to help (one lives too far away, the other one doesn't want to). So it has been left up to my husband and I to take care of everything for my mom.

  Sometimes I'm tempted to say "NO!" - but in the end, I know that I have a responsibility to take care of her. And in fulfilling my responsibility, I build my own self-esteem. I can look in the mirror and be proud of the person I am and how I have handled this situation. I haven't allowed the borg and their actions to alter my own humanity.

  Another thing to think about - your son will be watching how you deal with this and will learn by it. I have a son who is now 18 and has watched me take care of my mom for the past several years. He knows how frustrated I get, and he knows why I continue to care for her. I would like to think that he learns a positive lesson from this and will remember it when I'm old and going blind .
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  bebu

  I wish I could remember the poster who commented a long while ago about how, when he was young and ridiculed, he remained silent from embarassment and cowardice. Then, as an adult and ridiculed, he remained silent because he felt strength in being able to choose not to answer people who were cruel.

  If you choose to help, it should be for love and not of being manipulated by others. Your own conscience will quietly strengthen you even if others misunderstand your motives (ie, that you are feeling guilty). This is hard.

  If you choose to not help, be kind nonetheless. Warn her that she must choose others to make her arrangements if you are considered 'dead'. Her choices do carry consequences; it is proper to let her be aware of that if she is still healthy enough to plan.

  ...I'm glad I don't have this situation in front of me. I'd probably choose the first option, but I believe the second can be morally acceptable if one isn't vengeful. Everyone's different... and everyone's mom is different!

  bebu
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  Country_Woman

  I've realized that other people's cruelty doesn't control whether or not I do the loving thing.

  My idea too - else you have to force yourself into something that is not familiar to you.
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  JustTickledPink

  I have real issues with this. I have a 61 yoa mother in okay but not great health and she is a very dyed in the wool JW, that doesn't bend rules. We don't socialize at all, she refuses to eat lunch with me, visit me, etc.

  HOWEVER, she will email me and ask me to come and paint her house or something like that. In the past I always ran over and attempted to help her out thinking that she would thank me or give me a little bit of credit, but she never did always "thank Jehovah God I asked him for help and look my house is painted" while I am still standing there, and of course did all the work. Pissed me off to no end.

  Finally I turned her down this year, I told her that she treated me more like slave labor, I was good enough to help her financially or physically when things needed to get done, but she couldn't speak to me or be friendly with me. She won't eat a meal with me. I really felt like the black slave that is sent to the kitchen to eat while the plantation owner eats in the dining room. It just wasn't right. There wasn't any way to justify her behavior in my eyes.

  If you have ANYONE in your home and they help you, treat them like a human being, be gracious, show manners, offer to buy dinner, etc. I think the disfellowshipping thing is sometimes used to be cruel.

  Anyways, I declined her request this year to go help her. I have always done it in the past and it felt good. I felt like I stood up for myself, I wasn't going to be USED and treated like a doormat. I told her anytime she wanted to treat me like family, I would be happy to treat her like family. But just because she's my mother doesn't mean I have to be free slave labor. I told her she could ask her "friends" in the congregation. Which I know means, they will never come.
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  troucul

  I'd take her in, it's good for your kharma