When you represented yourself in court, did you have an outline to follow? Dates events and witnesses are crucial in any self-defense. I'm surprise legal aid didn't come yo your defense even social services, at least them.
This is a bad situation especially for the kids. It's going to have a damaging effect on them. I don't know what you do when you have the kids with you, but, its to your advantage to stay encouraging and avoid the topic of mommy.
Yesterday I learned of a terrible family experience. To make a long story short, an emotional damaged 20 year-old caused havoc and luckily no one was physically injured. The young man had been neglected emotionally as a child and it shows by his actions.
Yes, it hurts. If you believe in prayer, use it. A women just the other-day told me that she depended on prayer to pull her through.
I can only hope everything works out for you. Stay the course and hopefully the forum has been a source of encouragement.
Guest77
I miss my kids so much I'm hurting!! :(
by outbutnotdown 22 Replies latest jw friends
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Golf
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Big Tex
Brad I wish I had some knowledge or experience to pass your way about your case, but I don't. At this point the best thing for you to do, while you're waiting, is to talk to others. Isolating yourself while you've got this much anxiety is not healthy. So I'm glad you're posting about it.
I'm also very glad that you've got the attitude you do towards your children. They need someone who cares about them, and not using them. It's hard now but when they grow up they will see what their mother has done, and what you have done and it will matter a great deal to them.
Hang in there.
Chris
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LittleToe
(((Brad)))
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seeitallclearlynow
Brad, you sound so reasonable that I can't imagine any judge preventing you from having plenty of access to your children, based on what you've said here. I know firsthand the intensity of the feelings that come into play in child custody cases! One wonders if any emotion is stronger!
I feel confident that these days, family court judges are fully aware of the tactics of battling parents and what your children's mother is doing is terrible, and as you say, it's terrible for the children. The judge knows this. Some of them are also becoming aware of the emotional and societal "flaws" of the Jehovah's Witness upbringing. Finally! So I'm optimistic in your case, at least as far as the judge's decision is concerned. I was really encouraged by this:
I think my case was pretty strong, mostly because my kids and I have suffered greatly already by my ex-wife's attempt to do anything to keep them from me. The Judge finally got to hear that evidence.
Which brings me to the next concern:
I think my ex-wife sees the writing on the wall as far as the Judge goes, but she has a completely different belief as to what I will do. The Judge was supposed to have a decision by last Wednesday but we are still waiting. Whatever he decides, no matter what the punishment may be for her contempt, I will not keep my kids from her. My four kids need their mommy as much as they need me. Losing my mother to the JW's rules and the loss we have both suffered from that has taught me that lesson well enough.
If you were able to get all of this across to the judge, that's wonderful.
Finally, whatever he decides, there's another hopeful prospect, and one which I experienced. My ex is also a JW and he was similar in his behavior toward me. His ridiculous view was, as he told me, "Well, you left me and the "truth" so why should you still love your children either?" And he did everything he could to keep the kids from me, and talked about me as being a wicked person who left Jehovah and who would soon be destroyed at Armageddon. I did not speak ill of him - like you, I know this is very harmful to the children.
Ultimately, they both came to hate him and always continued to love me in spite of all his shallow efforts to the contrary. They both refused to live with him even part time (we had joint custody) as soon as they were old enough to make this decision.
Now many years have passed and they are reunited as father and children, and all seems forgiven now that the kids are grown and see everything from an adult perspective.
I'm just saying that it can ultimately work out regardless of the judge's decision, if you just love the children unreservedly, as you do.
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Special K
Life is sometimes so unfair.
I'm sorry about all this Brad.
All I can say is .. Continue to let your kids know that you love them dearly.
This waiting thing for you sure has got to be a bummer.
I am a true believer in kids having access to both parents unless the evidence shows differently.
Too bad, that some ex's will run the other parent down to their children. Very sad indeed...but I know this type of vindictiveness goes on a lot. Just plain sad. ((((Brad)))
Special K
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Jez
Dear Brad,
I am Canadian as well. I have been through alot with my children (14 and 10) the past 3 years. Here is what I have learned.
What does the seperation/divorce agreement say? If Joint custody, then, given the age of your kids, she has no right to block access.
Write down everything. Judges love a paper trail of allegations. The kids all of a sudden do not want to see you, write down what you heard, what they said, etc. I have everything documented and it has always been taken before his word alone was.
The judge can order family counselling for divorced couples and their children. Ask for it.
You have to get on this NOW. My oldest is 14, refuses to see her father and has every right to. No one can force her now. They can be forced at a younger age, yes, but not from about 12 years old onward. My ex does nothing to get to her. He takes none of my suggestions, which include: come to the house and ask for her, write weekly letters about his life, her life, anything but religion. Send her little tokens of love, it is not buying her love, it is showing that you are constantly thinking of her. Weekly invite them to do something, coffee, the zoo, etc. He does nothing because I am disfellowshipped therefore he won't have anything at all to do with me.
Ask the judge for shared residency. Not permanent residency with just the wife.
Get your friends to write affidavits about your parenting skills. Get professionals to write, if possible.
What are you access rights now? Tell her that you demand to have the kids on that weekend. Demand it! It is your right. Leave her a message saying, "I will be there at __pm to pick the kids up, according to the agreement, and I will drop them off at ___, according to the agreement." If she will not comply, phone the cops, tell them. My ex did that to me once. (I was not home when he showed up to get my youngest, no problem, but the police did talk to me!) Do not stop phoning the kids, saying good night, leaving messages etc. Get phone access in your agreement before the judge. (WRITE down when you call, what exactly was said, everytime!)
You are not a deadbeat dad and don't let her paint you that way, make everything she says be a lie because your actions are totally opposite.
Tell her that she will not get away with this, you want your kids, you will not stop, you are paying child support and want to FULLY be in their lives. That YOU and HER got divorced not HIM and the KIDS. Ask her how she would feel if this was reversed. Tell her that it is killing you. Plea to her sense of right and wrong.
You have to respect her. You won't get to the kids without her on your side. I know from experience how easily I could have manipulated the 10 year old against her father, but I refused. It was one of the hardest lessons in true love I ever experienced. Let and encourage her to be with someone that physically abused me for 14 years, who has caused me so much pain, what a great way to get back at him. But I didn't and I don't. Tell her that you are sorry for the pain in the marriage, that it all ended up this way, but respect that the marriage has ended, beg her to as well and beg her to let the children grow up with both parents. Plea to her love for the children and their needs. Ignore all harsh words from her or insults and try to soften her. Part of my 14 year old's problem is that she lives through me. She saw the pain for too long and sadly my hurt has become hers. She 'fights my battle'. We have talked about it endlessly but she wn't listen. If only he would come to me, tell me that he is sorry for our marriage but not sorry for what we produced together, and it is them that needs to be focused on, it might help her melt her exterior a little bit. When parents don't get along, children feel compelled to choose a side. That's human nature, pick a side to go with.
My other friend, woman, has lost her 14 year old son to her ex husband and JW's. He hates her and is viciously opposed to seeing her because he believes everything that his JW family tells him. There is nothing she can do now legally. So whatever you do, do now.
If you have any other questions. Feel free to ask. Jez
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Aude_Sapere
Jez was dead on.
Her suggestions worked for me.
One thing to add. Do not give in to her games and skip time with the kids. Even if only one of the kids hops in the car with you, show up. Every time. Otherwise that 'failed/cancelled' appointment will most likely be used against you.
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outbutnotdown
Thanks to all who have replied, that I have not yet thanked....lisavegas420, Golf, Big Tex, Little Toe, seeitallclearlynow, Special K, Jez, Aude_Sapere (again).
Jez,
Thanks for your concern. I wanted to answer the one big question you had. We do have joint custody, with primary residence being with her. This was "agreed to" in a settlement conference in June. I likely could have gotten shared residence even then. Part of the reason I didn't is because my oldest son had/has been told by my ex/her mother that I will take him away from them forever. When the Office of the Children's Lawyer's clinical investigator interviewed him he mentioned this fear (of course not saying that it was mommy/her mom) and said that he felt his time with me would be more comfortable when he knew he was going to "live with mommy".
I felt that it was the best thing to do at the time. Now I feel differently. I thought it would give stability to him and the rest of the kids. The opposite has happened. He hasn't come overnight since June and has hardly come other nights either. (They are supposed to be with me every second weekend and Tues/Wed evenings.) She hasn't let them call me a single time either, not even on their birthdays... and she celebrates b-days with them... it's her mom that is the JW.
I do keep them sheltered from the conflict when they are with me. She obviously doesn't.
I almost don't want to mention this part but I have visions of Susan Smith and what she did to her kids. She was viewed by most as being a doting (sp?) mother, when in fact some of the injuries that required trips to the hospital with her children were inficted by her to create that appearance. My ex/her mother somehow managed to allow my four-year old to get second-degree burns from a sunburn and waited for a full day to take her to the hospital so that they could say that she was burned while with me.
What they have done regarding hiring someone to beat me up or worse is almost surreal. The guy has connections to a bike gang but I had met him through a friend, so he asked me my side first. He returned to them saying nothing was going to happen to me. We've stayed in contact to the point that he has informed her family that nothing better happen to me or else. He has tried to encourage them to quit using all their negative energy against me and use it for positive influence on our kids.
People that need to be threatened by their own "hit-man" to not taking any other action are capable of anything, IMO.
But despite all this, I have always fully supported her time with the kids. Hopefully my kids don't know about the thug thing.
As far as her not having a right to block access, Jez, you are absolutely right. But each time I have taken legal action to prevent their latest tactics, they have resorted to other means. I don't like to think about negative things before they happen, but what is next? I pray that the Judge puts in place safety nets for me and the kids. It's odd how some people's minds work. They break the law or, in a family law situation, they cheat the innocent parties out of time together enough that the Judge punishes them. Then instead of accepting that they have done wrong, they find new ways to do even more.
Thanks again for your concern.
Brad
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Carmel
Brad, it may take ten to fiftteen years but you will win the war even if it feels like you are loosing the battle now.
Hang in there my friend.
carmel
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outbutnotdown
Carmel,
Thanks for the encouragement. I do agree that I will win the war, I just hope it is not posthumously.
Also, I have experienced living in a dysfunctional family. As much as I have faith that 10 to 15 years later my true intentions will be revealed, I am also fully aware that it would be best for my kids for them to not have to wait such a long period of time.
Brad