So many issues involved here and so much I could say but it's already been expressed better than I could so please listen to the advice you've been given...
I need help...really really bad...
by crazzae`face 18 Replies latest social relationships
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jgnat
crazaee face, sweetie, it is awful being with someone living a destructive double life like your boyfriend is. He is not being entirely truthful to himself, to you, or his family. I bet you have a great deal to offer to the right man. I don't think this guy is the "one".
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JustTickledPink
I know at 16 you are in love and I remember that age. But listen to this... the JW religion consumes some people. He might be able to leave one day, but if he doesn't you are setting yourself for years of pain and emotional suffering.
He needs to figure what he is going to do with HIS life before you two decide together what you are going to do together.
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beebee
I'm the mother of two teen girls 16 and 18 and this is what I would tell them.
1. The feelings of love at your age are very intense, possibly more so than any other time in your life, however these same feelings can blind you, almost certainly will blind you, to truly seeing all you need to see about someone before you commit your life to them. It is hard to pull yourself aside and really look at the relationship objectively, yet to truly be happy and have a good chance at a long term future with anyone, you MUST do that. Otherwise you will almost certainly end up with a lot of pain.
2. A good partner makes you feel good about yourself, accepts you AS-IS, and really doesn't expect you to change to suit him. In fact if you change, you won't be the person he fell in love with anymore and you may experience new, different problems.
3. It really sounds like he is in search of himself. This is something most young people go through, not just JWs. He needs to decide who he wants to be, and what kind of person he wants to be, and the matters of the church and the pressure the church and his "in" family members puts on him to conform to their thinking will be intense. This puts you in a very vulnerable spot because anything you do that encourages him to move against his church and family will make his family hate you, and that may cause him to turn against you as well.
He needs to straighten out his life first. He isn't behaving like a witness, and they may have tossed him out, however his family still expects him to straighten up and go back, and he may be torn up inside because his removal from the church likely left him feeling worthless and this would be why he is engaging in dangerous behavior, like drinking, drugs, etc.
All this brings me to the part you really don't want to hear:
1. He has to figure himself out by himself. Does he have any goals for himself? What does he want to do from his life? etc. You certainly can stand on the sidelines and be his friend, but you really can't straighten him out, this is something he must do for himself. If you have the strength, you can certainly help him sort through things by asking him questions that help him think. Why does he do things? How do they make him feel? What does he really want?
You are both so young and he has both the normal burden of a young adult trying to forge a path forward and the Witness guilt heeped on to make it tougher. Realistically you do not want to form a long-term commitment with anyone who doesn't see good things for themselves and who doesn't have a direction. We all need that direction to grow up into happy and functional adults. If he isn't ready or capable of doing that, he's trouble for you.
2. No one ever wants to hear "there are other fish in the sea" but the truth is that there are millions of young men within your dating age group and most don't carry the baggage this guy does. Tying yourself down at 16 to someone who has all these extra issues is unreasonable and just makes YOUR path to finding yourself and happiness tougher.
Ending relationships suck. It hurts, for a while you deny to yourself you can find better, and you worry there will never be anyone else, anyone better. But the truth is there IS better out there and at your age it isn't tough to find.
3. I told my girls and keep telling them, that a person does not have to be a bad person to be the wrong person. Hopefully everyone you date will have some very good character traits and most will truly be nice people, however incompatibility is what it is. Love doesn't make it go away. Love doesn't heal all. It just masks it temporarily until you are both really miserable.
4. You have to love yourself and like yourself and know who you are before you can truly commit to someone else. At 16 you are just beginning that process, and if you are a typical teen girl, you have enough insecurities about yourself you do not need a weak partner to bring out more doubts.
Ultimately the decision on whether or not to cut him loose is yours, all any of us can do is tell you what we think. Remember that because we are out of the situation, we see things without the emotional fog that a person within a relationship sees. Also most all of us are older and have been through this.
In the meantime, PLEASE use birth control, preferably more than 1 kind, like the pill AND condoms. I think everyone on these boards will agree that an unplanned pregnancy brings more painful and difficult decisions, and a baby ALMOST NEVER saves a relationship that is going to fail anyway. Single parenthood sucks. I've been doing it for nearly 16 years. It also will seriously limit your future dating pool.
So take care of yourself. Remember that if it comes down to your emotional and mental health versus his, you need to take care of yourself first. My guess is that if you are on these boards, you are already hurting. Staying with him will probably not make that better.
Interesting thought here..I have also found that when I've been in relationships where the guy had issues that needed to be resolved that ONLY when I have walked away, have they realized how important I was to them and that they needed to fix themselves to EARN my love and attention. They have often come back with the issues in check.
I am dating an ex-JW and even as an adult, the baggage and damage caused by that religion made dating him in early months very tough. We did do several months of therapy and still we split. Only when he realized I was not going to chase him down did he take the time to think about what he really wanted and how important I was or wasn't to him. Now we are doing very well and are both happy. (note here, it can take weeks or months for someone to "come around" and it is important that you not live your life waiting for that, but rather move on.)
Take care. -
Double Edge
1. You've been given fabulous advice ... listen to it and act on it and you WILL be happier.
2. After you leave high school and are out in the world a bit, you're going to look back at what you did when you were 16 and say "what in the h*ll was I thinking".... we all do that, you will too. You are heading towards the person you're going to be, you're not there yet.... so relax, life is good, listen to those of us who've been down the road a piece. Focus on more positive things, including people who will uplift you and move you forward.
Take care.
Double Edge
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mama
dear help, you are so young, besides the fact that he part of a cult, he DRINKS AND DRIVES. Do you want your young life ended by someone who isn't in control of themselves? He is a troubled young man. You are just a distraction to him, he said as much by telling you that you'd never be married to him. I am sorry to say these things and hurt you, but you need to get away from him, and find a guy who can bring you home to meet his parents. If you are doing the same things he is, drugs, drinking etc., Please get Help. You deserve so much more. Your heart will heal, I know, I am 32 and I remember 16 and first love. You will look back down the road and say what was I thinking. Are you rolling your eyes yet? He needs professional help to get his life on track. You can't help him thru this. Protect yourself. If you don't listen to any of this, please hear me, don't ever get in a car with him if he's been drinking, no guy is worth dying for.
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sweetsevda
i feel that u should just stay away freom him it nota good idea especially since he is married i think u said cause all it will give u is grief n problems ok
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hopelesslystained
turn around and walk away! do not let his reasonings confuse you. just shut the door. Initially it will be very upsetting and hard, but you will come out on the otherside a normal 16 yr old ready to go on with life in a far better place.
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jeanniebeanz
crazzae,
Heavens, where do I begin? There are so many issues here it is difficult to know how to help. I'll just stick to a couple points, it may be harsh but as a mom who helped two teenage daughters through their teen years and into womanhood here is my advice.
This man is a lying, cheating, not true to his God so how in the world can you ever expect him to be faithful to you a mere human, run as fast as you can in the other direction, kind of guy.
Hit the books, get a career. At that point you'll likely meet a guy who values the wonderful smart beautiful woman you will grow to be in a few years and the two of you will have a chance at a healthy relationship that will last a lifetime and be a great place to raise children in.
Hoping you make the right decision, and mom and dad would love to guide you in this if you'll give them a chance.
Jean