When I look back in my 34 years of life, I think I'm glad that I was raised JW. My Dad never was a Witness, my Mum was, struggling to get us on the bus to the Kingdom Hall when I was 5 years old and a terror by all accounts. When it came to Christmas and Birthdays, and all the things that seem to matter to kids, we were lucky I suppose in that being as dad didn't subscribe to mums beliefs and those we were being raised in, we got the tree and presents, and a cake each year. I used to love all that and hate the fact that mum would insist on wiping my dirty face clean and making me dress up on a Thursday night to get us on a bus to get to the meetings (Wonder Woman is on Telly I remember screaming..) and doing my damn hardest to create merry havoc in every which way I could to disrupt any proceedings my mum was trying to undertake to get my sister and me there. Mum was just a spoilsport. Dad buys us presents. One Xmas morning I got the best Hornby Train set you ever did see, my dad had tacked the track to a massive bit of chipboard.......the minature engines all went round and under bridges and past little signal man and plastic sheep and cows with spray on grass....... It was the best train set ever. When I had seen the big chipboard propped up in the hallway 2 weeks prior to xmas I remember asking dad what it was for, and he told me it was to "make shelves" with. It wasn't.....it was my train set. My dad always had no money, but he always came up trumps.
Meanwhile Mum would take us to the KH for the meetings, I would fall asleep on someones lap, and be woken when the closing song was announced, I remember sitting up and Lindsay saying (whilst laughing) look at that dribble patch he's left again on my lap!! and then Dad picking us up from outside.
As I got older, maybe 10 or 11, I remember dad coming to the conventions and memorials with mum, sister and me, he was always supportive.
When I got to about 15/16 I started to take alot more interest in what was said at the meetings, I actually enjoyed going by the time I reached 17. At this time Mum had alot of trouble with her nerves and stopped attending, my sister got pregnant by someone in the "world" and got married to him after being re-proved, dad stopped going to the memorials and conventions, and mum continued to suffer.
At about 18, I picked up a Readers Digest manual, and looked up "homosexuality" ....it said that many boys go through a "homosexual phase" in puberty, I thought I'm 18 now, and despite feeling this way for a while, it doesn't seem to be going away......and it didn't.
Within 2 years I was in a relationship with a man, had drifted from the meetings like most in my family, and pretty much carried on this way for the next 10 years. I never slept about, I met some good friends in the "scene" but never got that sleep around stuff, lol.....I was good looking and got plenty of attention, but I always thought the shagging about thing was shallow.....don't get me wrong I was by know means innocent, I had 4 different gay relationships..... moved in with one, Mark, who was a great bloke, I can't believe I even used to take him to Conventions and we'd sit up talking for hours about the "Truth"
In 1999, I made the worst mistake of my life after splitting up with Mark.....started an "affair" with my female bosses husband. She had encouraged me to go out with him (unbeknown to me she was having affair with someone else, and looking back I guess she wanted shot of him) and he looked like Billy Zane a real looker. LOL. At first he was good to me, he split up his marriage, she made a big old scene at work and accused me of stealing her husband etc etc .....(when she had wanted exactly what happened) It totally rocked the work place at the time as you can imagine..... anyway we got a place together. Turns out he was a shit, used to be violent, and worse than that used to emotionally control me with manipulation and bullying, and totally messed my mind up. (I can't even begin to explain)......anyway it lead to me getting panic attacks, something years ago my mum used to get. A panic Attack if you've never experienced it, is nothing I can explain, its like a bolt out of the blue.
Now I understood how my mum had felt a few years back. Anyway I managed to get all my stuff together and move out in 1999 when he was away on a buisness course, and get myself a little flat (appartment) . I got away.
At the same time, I arrived back on my mum and dads doorstep. A total wreck. I'd done drugs, boozed myself silly and shut myself off from my family in the hope they wouldn't see me as a homosexual son. I was terrified they'd find that out all along.
My mum didn't say anything for a few days, then one day she said out the blue "I know" .......I said "What?" she said I guessed in the last month about you being gay......(infact I've probably always known) why on earth didn't you tell me when you were growing up...... No I'm Not I said!! (denial) Then out it all came. My Spoilsport old mum suddenly became my best friend.
Since then she's been so supportive of me as has my sister and much younger brother. My dad is taking a bit longer to come round to it, I think he's ok if its never mentioned. I'm not in a gay relationship anymore, and thats through choice rather than not being able to.
I've made lots of posts on here, many being pro-jw. Thats probably because I am, not because I've had a shit life or anything, even in the last 13 years I've had really good times, but its just that I haven't forgotten all the good things I learnt growing up a Witness. Some things stick with you. I still have alot of respect for the Truth, and its not out of guilt for the way I went from 20 years onwards, its from being 34 now, and looking back and being able to recognise the good and bad things. I still have a tremendous respect for the faith. Of course what I choose to do about that from now onwards is something else.......!
There is so much more to type of all the in-between bits, and nothing probably more than anyone else could on here type about their life growing up. But well maybe it was a bit therapeutic for me in typing some of it.
Well there!! I'll shutup now!! (for a bit)
Scoob