Thanks Fairchild thats really how I feel....at least at this time. There is so much going on right now that it just amazes me its allowed to happen and no one is questioning it. I look at my family and wonder....are they questioning it in there hearts but are afraid to speak out loud? even to each other? or do they REALLY accept it as it appears they are? Its like I'm living a movie, for some reason Logans Run comes to mind. My fear, seriously, is that an opportunity will arise that I'll be able to talk to one of my sisters and I'll pose the questions and they'll open up and in the end I'll be accused of 'apostate' thinking and end up shut off from my family. Even if I choose to stay and seriously try to improve as JW I will never be able to question anything without placing doubt on my faith. In fact....as I look back...I think thats what stopped the elders from stopping by and talking with me on sheparding calls. I started asking questions. In fact I had the CO and DO stop by with an elder once...both of them...talk about pressure....and I was friendly and polite...didnt ask any radical questions either...but we had recently had our first child and she was now at an age where we could read to her and she would understand and question things and we were questioning the thought process the society had in putting bible stories in the My Book of Bible Stories book with illustrations of blatant violence and horror....I mean seriously...to a 3 year old...how do you explain the illustration of a woman who had just driven a tent spike through a mans temple and was showing someone what she had done as being Gods will? And the illustration was graphic....he was lying there with the stake in his head and blood dripping down it and I'm suposed to say..."Hey honey....see what a good woman she was?" .... the elder and the DO and CO stared at me as if I had commited a grave sin by questioning it. I also didnt respond well to the method they used to get me to come back to the meetings......basically said..."Look what your doing to your family? Dont you think it would be better for them if you got back on track?" ......not "Hey...it means your life" or "We really miss having you etc etc"....but basically...your a loser for doing this to your family and friends....get your arse in gear.....the conversation pretty much ended there. Not becuase I retaliated but becuase I stopped talking and just knodded the rest of the time.
Crap...I got all burned up reliving that experience just now...I have to go cool down.