Telephone Dating
g02
10/22 p. 20 Do I Need a Mobile Phone? ***Regularly talking to or exchanging messages with a member of the opposite sex over the phone could be a form of dating. Please see the article "Young People Ask?What?s Wrong With Talking to Each Other?" in the August 22, 1992, issue of Awake!
***
g01 12/22 p. 25 Young Dating?What?s the Harm? ***What
Is Dating??We?re not dating. We?re just friends,? many youths claim, even though they are spending a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex. But whatever you call it?dating, going together, or just seeing each other?when a boy and a girl single each other out and start spending time together socially, more than friendship is usually involved. And dating does not have to be in person. Discussions in Internet chat rooms, on the telephone, through the mail, or by E-mail can also be forms of dating.
***
g92 8/22 pp. 17-19 Young People Ask . . .What?s Wrong With Talking to Each Other??WE?RE not dating, we?re just talking.? That is how 17-year-old Denny describes his relationship with Tina. They met at a convention of Jehovah?s Witnesses, and since then they have regularly had long conversations on the telephone. Denny admits they are too young to pursue a serious courtship. But he sees nothing wrong in their simply talking to each other.
Many youths who are not allowed by their parents to go out on formal dates are allowed to nurture friendships with the opposite sex by frequent conversations and phone calls. Innocent fun? Perhaps. But some parents are alarmed. "There seems to be quite a problem here with very young teenagers ?going? with other young teenagers," writes one concerned parent. "They are not dating, but they do consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend."
Other youths cultivate boy-girl relationships by writing. These letters may be nothing more than innocent expressions of friendship. Oftentimes, though, they become increasingly romantic in tone. Romantic involvement may also result when youths get involved with writing individuals who are known to set poor examples as Christians. It may be claimed that the correspondence began as a sincere attempt to encourage such ones.
Talking
or Dating?The Bible does not condemn talking or writing to members of the opposite sex. Christians are supposed to "have love for the whole association of brothers," and that includes peers of both sexes. (1 Peter 2:17) The Bible further tells young men to treat "younger women as sisters with all chasteness." (1 Timothy 5:2) When this principle is applied, young men and women can enjoy clean, wholesome relationships?yes, friendships!
Christian youths normally enjoy such friendships in group settings, however. So when two youths single each other out for special attention, the relationship begins to take on the appearance of a romance, a courtship. Is this necessarily the same as dating? Most youths would probably say no. However, teenagers are not always sure exactly what adults mean by dating.
When one group of youths were asked to define dating, more than half said it meant ?to go out with a person of the opposite sex.? Some defined it as meaning ?to get to know someone better.? An informal survey among a group of Christian youths yielded similar results. One 13-year-old boy said: "A date is when you take a girl out to the movies and stay out late and then walk her home."
A dictionary defines the English word "date" as "a social engagement between two persons of opposite sex." Could this not include having regular conversations with someone? And what about such conversations, or social engagements, over the telephone? A young man named Ivan says: "It is a form of dating, especially if you have a prearranged day and time to call this person and the conversation revolves around personal matters."
The book The Family Handbook of Adolescence notes: "Boy-girl contact . . . is often conducted via notes, letters, and the telephone. Each of these types of communication is valued [among youths] because it allows intimacy at a distance." Even so, as with any form of dating, serious involvement may develop. Consider a young man named Jack. When he became interested in a young woman as a potential marriage mate, he spent a lot of time talking with her on the telephone. "Getting to know a person over the phone can be done," says Jack. "You can communicate thoughts and even feelings over the phone." Jack and his girlfriend got married. Because of distance, many couples have carried on the bulk of their dating by phone calls and letters!
The issue, then, isn?t whether you say a couple is simply talking, seeing each other, or dating, but what kind of relationship they are cultivating. And when a boy and a girl have singled each other out, this can at least give the appearance of a budding romance. And often it is more than mere appearance. As teenage writer Jane Rinzler explains in her book Teens Speak Out: "If people like each other . . . they will start seeing each other. Chances are it will start by their talking on the phone maybe once, maybe a few times."
The
Dangers of Early DatingNow it may be all right for two people to start a romantic relationship as long as they are in a position to pursue marriage. But few teenage couples think in the terms of getting married. According to the book Adolescent Development, by Barbara and Philip Newman, teen dating often serves as a mere "form of recreation," a way to ?achieve status? among other youths, and a way to "learn about the opposite sex."
But as far as Christians are concerned, marriage is sacred, honorable. (Hebrews 13:4) Courtship in any form is therefore serious business?not a form of play. And when one is too young to marry, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex can all too easily end in bitterness and grief. The Bible puts it this way: "Can a man rake together fire into his bosom and yet his very garments not be burned?"?Proverbs 6:27.
When Maria was 13 years old, she began experimenting with telephone dates. It was fun for a while. But since she was not old enough to get married, such dating just left her disappointed and frustrated. "Expectation postponed is making the heart sick," says Proverbs 13:12. She also had to deal with the stress of keeping her dating secret from her parents. "Every time the phone rang, I worried that someone else would pick it up?especially my mother. It was embarrassing when she?d ask, ?Who is this?? and would hang up because there was no response."
Even letter writing has its risks. Charlene, for example, developed strong feelings toward an unbeliever. She confesses: "I began writing him, and we have become more than just friends. He?s an alcoholic, but I?m trying my best to help him. Do you think there is any hope of getting him to slow down his drinking?" Charlene?s attempts to play counselor to an alcoholic are ill-advised and unlikely to succeed, however. She could easily end up in a disastrous marriage.?2 Corinthians 6:14.
Guard
Yourself With Thinking AbilityGood advice is given at Proverbs 2:10, 11: "When wisdom enters into your heart and knowledge itself becomes pleasant to your very soul, thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you." Young people often allow their emotions to guide their decisions. But by using thinking ability and discernment, you can do much to "remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh."?Ecclesiastes 11:10.
Discernment helps you appreciate that you are in "the bloom of youth," a time when sexual feelings and romantic emotions are strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) Close association with a member of the opposite sex?be it in person, by telephone, or even by letter?tends to fan the flames of passion. Why then single someone out for special attention? True, you may want to learn how to deal with the opposite sex. But you can usually do so by enjoying the association of the opposite sex in group settings. Even then, avoid limiting yourself to a small circle of friends. "Widen out" in your association. (2 Corinthians 6:13) Doing so will minimize the likelihood of developing a romantic involvement.
Does this mean that you can never talk on the phone with or write to a member of the opposite sex? No. The danger lies in developing an emotional attachment to one person. But take care that you do not hurt someone or get hurt yourself. And if in spite of the best intentions, romantic feelings begin to develop, you may need to back off from the friendship.
It may also help to talk matters over with a trusted adult, such as one of your parents. (Proverbs 23:26) At first you may feel hesitant or embarrassed about disclosing your feelings. But your parents may understand your feelings better than you think.
It may be years before you are ready to cultivate a romantic interest in a member of the opposite sex. In the meantime, by showing caution and an unselfish interest in others, you can enjoy balanced relationships with the opposite sex.
[Footnotes]
Some of the names have been changed.
See chapter 30 of Questions Young People Ask?Answers That Work, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
[Pictures
on page 18]Could a telephone conversation be considered a date?
Holding Hands
***
g89 4/22 p. 21 How Can I Carry On a Successful Courtship? ***Is holding hands, kissing, or embracing appropriate, and if so, when? When done as genuine expressions of endearment?not selfish passion?such actions can be viewed as clean in the eyes of God. The God-inspired Song of Solomon indicates that some fitting expressions of endearment had been exchanged between the Shulammite maiden and the shepherd boy she loved and would soon marry. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) But as with that chaste couple, a couple would further take care that expressions of affection do not become unclean or lead to sexual immorality. (Galatians 5:19, 21) Expressions of endearment should be made only when the relationship has reached a point where mutual commitment has developed and marriage seems imminent. Doing so, you will not be distracted from a primary purpose of successful courtship?really getting to know the person.
Now the WTS is addressing text messaging during meetings and conventions/assemblies between girls and boys interested in each other.
