I am depressed. Well not in a traditional sense. I have aquired a necrophobia. Being a part of the "great crowd" I have never believed in an after life. Even if it existed it was like a billion dollars to me. Just because a billion dollars exist it does not help me personally, because I don't own a billion dollars.
If you are alive you know you have a finite life span. You will die. I will die. As a taditional JW I did not care. My firm belief in St. Pascal (Google pascal's wager) over powered any meaningful pondering of my finite life span. The thing about it is the watchtower is more forgiving about the death than most religions including traditional chistianity. Before I get off track. My point is I am going to die one day. I believe when I died I will cease being concious. All my volatile memory what people generally call their "life" will be erased just like your memory in your pc when the power goes out. THe only form of memory that will survive is my dna. I have broken dna so passing it on is not something I want to do. The decision of not having kids probally has more to do with my fear of death than the watchtowers lack of credibility. So collectively I don't matter because nobody is going to remember me aside from a few name and address forms that will probally float in databases for a few decades after I die.
So if basically I am going to be deleted one day and life sucks in general does it matter when I die? Not really.
The only conclusion I can come to comes from the movie soylent green. Make some nices friends, have a nice meal, enjoy respectively the best day of my life and then commit sucide. Conversely I could just wait around until I die but usually youll die on a downer and traumatically.
My thing is. Has being a JW spoiled my sense of life, and made me cynical? Also for the athiest out there how do you cope with religious people? I can do the JW thing. I like it. But I feel life in general is a waste. WIth no new order I feel like a person thats paralized with polio and dies shortly after the vacine was discovered. You have that "well it sucks this generation lucked out, and now will never live thought my hell, Damn them!" feeling.
Am I insane? There are like 2 billion people at least that in there heart have a positive image of and afterlife or a negative ones at least. Also at least 5 billion people will have children so at least some of them hangs around until it is too watered down in the anals of time. How do you warm the heart of the Nihilist, or at least quell the cynicism of a rational JW that knows in all likely hood the calvary won't come, And if they do most likely you are probaly too dead to notice? I think psychologist call this suvivors guilt. I have the inverted version I think. Maybe we can call it casualty spite. The day I die some one will be born. That is Irony. I hate Irony.