Love & Marriage: Easier w/JW-Out or Non-Believer?

by prophecor 10 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  prophecor

  Many of us have spouses within & outside of the Borg. Others are married to those who never shared our beliefs. For those who are no longer practicing JW's, how are you navigating your relationships with your spouses or signifigant others?

  Do you feel your relationship is better to have someone who does, or at best one time did share your beliefs, or is it even more difficult because your S.O. can't truly relate to the Jehovah's Witness experience?

  Do you find it easier with an un-believer because you don't have to explain that portion of your history, or why you may have certain reservations about faith & God, the Bible and other things associated with it?
• 

  AshtonCA

  I personally am having trouble with my hubby about how he feels about the JW's. He calls them stupid for believing and being borglike. I told him that when he says that, it makes me feel stupid because I was one of those JW's for 23 years. I asked him if he thought my parents who both have masters degrees and are the 2 most knowledgable people I have ever met are stupid too and he said no, of course not. I mean, I do understand that a great number of JW's don't have much education above that of high school, but to call them stupid for their beliefs? I don't know, that just rubs me the wrong way.

  I also said, that having faith in what you believe in doesn't make you stupid for believing in it, it might make you gullible, but not stupid. My hubby doesn't really have much faith in anything, so he doesn't know what it is like to believe without proof.

  Ash
• 

  rebel8

  My mom joined the b0rg when I was 7, and so I was forced to convert then. Left the b0rg when I was 18, not soon enough. Have been gone almost 20 yrs now. A few months ago, I got married for the 1st time. DH is Catholic, had no previous contact with the b0rg.

  I didn't mention much at all to him for a long time, just mentioned my mom was a b0rg and had forced me to be one as a kid. He said, if I ever decided to go back to them, it would be a dealbreaker for our relationship.

  Recently, I had a JW incident with my mother, and I went ballistic. Joined several of these forums and began writing a book to help people leave the b0rg. I explained this to DH. He said he doesn't understand why I hate them so much.

  I talked to him for 2 hours about what makes them a cult. Now he understands!

  To answer your question, OP, I think marrying a lifetime "unbeliever" was the best for me. I really enjoy his perspective on things. It helps me to understand what normal really is!
• 

  what_Truth?

  Personaly I would NEVER marry a former Jehovah's Witness. No offense to the other members here, but most of us are a pretty effed up bunch with some serious issues. Many of us have traumatic experiences that have caused us severe emotional and mental problems; not exactly the kind of qualities to look for in a mate.
  
  Worst of all there's the fear that an x-JW wife might decide to go back. No matter what people have read on what websites, or whatever they've been through in the past, people rejoin the org and take up the JW lifestyle all the time. I make a dedicated effort to stay away from anything and everything WT related. Living with a person who is fanatically studying with the org would seriously undermine that. It would be like a former heroin addict living with a wife who shoves needles in her arms.
  
  My wife of 5 years is a lifelong United Pennicostal. Although her beliefs have caused some friction (especially since I've decided not to join her church) I would much rather be with her.
  
  To give an example, my wife was pregnant before we wed. Becuase of my decision not to join her church her pastor wouldn't marry us. My JW aunt was talking about how awful her pastor was when I said "Wait a minute, what would have happened if she was a JW? She would have had two choices
  1) leave me, get reproved, and spend her life as a single mom
  2) marry me, get disfellowshipped, and have her all of her familly and lifelong friends shun her.
  
  Not having an elder marry us would be the least of her worries"
  
  Instead, we found another pastor to marry us. All of her family and friends gladly showed up to the wedding and she was was welcomed to church with open arms the following Sunday.
• 

  disciple

  Prophecor,

  I was a JW when I married Velma in 1988 and I had married her after much prayer and seeking Godly direction. We were good for each other and during our marriage I reached Ministerial Servant status (if that means anything) Velma was an ideal JW wife . She had grown up Catholic till she was about 14 and accepted JW as truth by the time she was 16. /She was respectful to me and If I made a decision that did not set right with her . she could tactfully explain her resistance and/or alternative idea. If I decided to exercise my husbandly authority and go forward with my decision, she would respectfully let me lead.

  As time progressed (another 12 years , I began to have doubts about JW and their treatment of other bro and sis. Velma exp. some of these strange happenings as we were on an assembly hall project for 7 months. I stopped going to meetings and after about a year she stopped going . She then begin to do self-therapy to deal with abuse of her childhood by lack of att. of her father and verbal abuse of her mother.

  After 2 years of that she decided to divorce me ( I was drinking pretty heavy at that time but she had no grounds. After 6-8 weeks of seperation at her choice she recanted, By this time she was agreeing that Jw were controlling and did not want to be controlled anymore. Within a year from that time I began to look into other Christian denominations and began attending other churches. I would not discuss what I was learning or experienceing there with her (I did not want to affect her decisions of who and where to serve God.

  While I kept praying and doing homeless ministry she was becoming colder and colder to me . After about a year of that she hardly gave me the time of day, within a couple of months of this behavior I succumbed to immorality ( not adultery but classed as fornication. I could not tell her for 2 wks but when I did she certainly took the opportunity to get me out and within 2 months she became highly active within JW's again. She would not take me back even thougH I tried for about 13 months. I began to pursue a Christian woman I had met in the non-denomination Christian church I went to (after V. divorced me) I am very happy now with my new spouse but I am still getting through JW ingrained beliefs and she does not fully understand that . I have been spending hours at a time on the computer researching and responding and reading a lot or ex-Jw postings to aid to recovery. I think it was good that I married a Christian though because we engage in ministry together ,church together ,study and pray together. It has been near sheer bliss. Thanks for asking. I really feel there must be comminality of deep beliefs.
• 

  Dragonlady76

  I was raised a JW I left when I was 17 yrs old.

  I always questioned JW's veiws on women rights, sex and there total domination of families time.

  So I knew early on I would never marry a JW, I married my husband at 24 he didn't even know what a JW was, so I explained, I have a lot of anger and resentment towards this cult it reall F**cked up my childhood, but I have since moved on and have a happy marriage, Now to the person that posted they would be afraid the spouse would go back to JW, I can attest that I will never ever ever go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pity all the girls I knew at my old KH, I am sure they are all miserable, married so young, some with no HS education and the guys fared no better, so they all have kids and are broke.

  I am the lucky one, I have love, $, family and a sense of well being.
• 

  ithinkisee

  I haven't broken the news to my wife yet, but when I do it is gonna be a big pain in the ass.

  We are in one of those families that is related to everyone in all the surrounding congregations. I was also at Bethel for a few years in the early-mid 90's and was at a prominent congo there where GB members went to, and some of the "heavies" took me under their wings.

  However, I grew up in a "divided" household, where my mom was a Witness and my dad wasn't. I used to see the condescending looks Witnesses would give him as the "evil unbelieving spouse" and then they would go with the complete opposite tactic and try and invite him to do stuff and "take an interest" in him. HOwever, my dad has an innate skill for seeing right through people and he knew it wasn't sincere.

  Basically, when I tell my wife I am going to do my best to help her see the "real" truth. If she cannot, then I cannot stay, and that means leaving her and my two beautiful daughters of 7 and 4 years of age. It gives me a lump in my throat just to think about it.

  I don't even want to stay in the same town, because all the looks of everyone will just bug the crap out of me. I want to be able to go out at night and not worry that a group of Witnesses are gonna be rolling their eyes at me and pointing and whispering. I know because I have done the same thing before.

  I'm rambling and I'm sorry. I'll stop now. Just a million thoughts running through my head.

  Thanks,

  ithinkisee
• 

  freedom96

  My first wife grew up as a witness as well as myself. Horrible marriage, made more difficult by the unrealistic demands of the WTS.

  My second wife, also grew up a witness. However, we met after we had both left the organization. For us, it has been perfect. We both remember what it was like to be in. My parents are actually out now, but hers are still very active participating in the pioneer work and the other is still an elder.

  We can each understand what it was like, because we were there. I would imagine it being much more difficult trying to explain to a partner what it truely was like if they never were involved. Some things are just too difficult to explain.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Basically, when I tell my wife I am going to do my best to help her see the "real" truth. If she cannot, then I cannot stay, and that means leaving her and my two beautiful daughters of 7 and 4 years of age. It gives me a lump in my throat just to think about it.

  Maybe you should hold off telling her for now. It might be better to subtly, craftily point out things and here that are troubling in your congregation, or the mags. Get her to discuss it with you. Get her thinking along the lines of questioning and doubting. Plant seeds, water them. Then by the time you tell her, she may be more willing to listen to you.
• 

  prophecor

  You all have some pretty intensive stories, and that's putting it mildly! I was always curious about the balancing act that has to occur between having a spouse who at one time believed as opposed one who never experienced being a JW. I am one who married outside the truth, not because there was a lack of suitable partners, but because I never viewed myself in the hall as being good enough for a sister. I thought myself to be a potential threat for causing a sister to fall because my faith was such a house of cards.

  It's been difficult but I feel it's been well worth it. My wife is a Christian of the Baptist faith, but she has somehow had the capacity to round out my rough edges. I do not view everything so one sided any longer. Though there are things I will most likely never come to accept regarding her faith, IE the rapture, hell and a few choice others I'm to tired to recount right now, its not as if I don't have issues with the teachings that go on in the Kingdom Hall.