Traumatic memories never grow up, neither does the person

by wanderlustguy 22 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  lisaBObeesa

  They make us unbeleivers and apostates to ourselves because we reject the truth of our own perceptions. We are taught to ignore our own eyes, ears, hearts, and even the worst of all, our memories. How can someone believe or have confidence in themselves after that?

  Wanderlustguy,

  WOW. Thank you so much. All I can say is 'wow.' Thank your for expressing your, and our, truth so beautifully.

  Since we look back on our own memories of abuse in the third person for the most part, the effect on me personally is to be angry that I was powerless to stop it. I can see those things happening to the little girl but cannot punish the abuser as I would surely do now. Why didn't I hit back or defend myself? This question screams at me.

  Jeannie,

  What you said really hit home for me, also. Thank you for sharing your feelings, your life, your pain. I know what you mean about seeing those things happening to the little girl, but being powerless to stop them. I am in therapy now doing some work where I actually, in my mind of course, kick that adult's (abuser) ass for the little girl. It feels good.

  Thank you, everyone, for this thread.
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  If a past memory pains you, it is not the past event at fault, nor those involved in it, because whatever contribution they made was in the past and can have nothing to do with your current pain.... as all is left is data and it must be recognized that it is your current manipulation of that data which is the only source of pain? in other words, something you are doing to yourself in ignorance now is responsible.

  Zen, I don't know what it is, but these things that your wrote really pushed my buttons.

  I guess maybe that it is that it feels like you are doing just what wanderlust guy talked about in his first post. It feels like you are telling him his own feelings are not valid because they are only the result of his 'current manipulation of the data.' ...That he is just 'not looking at things right' or something. He just said that people doing that to him caused him pain:

  We were taught that "maybe you misunderstood" .......

  They make us unbeleivers and apostates to ourselves because we reject the truth of our own perceptions. We are taught to ignore our own eyes, ears, hearts, .......
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  I just keep finding more and more on this tread, LOL!

  The big event on my horizon, though is the confrontation with my father. He has to be accountable for what he did to us, and his payment will be to hear his son tell him what a small person his father is and why. I don't mean literally say "you are a small person", but to tell him what I know about the past and what he did to us, creating a horrible perception of what makes a good man. He's small because he doesn't even have the strength to face the reality he created or his own mistakes, I've made the same mistakes as him in some areas, and I intend for my children to know them all. They deserve to know my real experiences, maybe saving them some of my mistakes.

  You GO! That is so awsome.....please tell us about it, if you can, and how you feel after. Your posts are so inspiring to me, Thanks.
• 

  zen nudist

  I guess maybe that it is that it feels like you are doing just what wanderlust guy talked about in his first post. It feels like you are telling him his own feelings are not valid because they are only the result of his 'current manipulation of the data.' ...That he is just 'not looking at things right' or something. He just said that people doing that to him caused him pain:

  what I suggest does require a radically different understanding of reality then commonly accepted... this is what seems so alien...

  here is what I propose... that reality has a specific true nature which causes or manifests everything that occurs. there is but one unfolding of this reality and we are all the results... what this means is that every aspect of reality is always exactly as it must be... but we dont normally accept this and the reason can be traced to false expectations, fantasy ideal alternatives and other myths which make us reject the ONLY world we know. notions like good and evil blame and responsibility come from a view of reality based on mythology.

  I do not blame people for holding hatred and anger, but I try to educate them to see how those emotions are arising, not from the only real world they know, but their mistaken beliefs about it.... for with that knowledge comes an option to feel something different... without that knowledge they are stuck with feelings which are eating them up from within and doing them little benefit.

  it seems to me that our best course to make our lives more satisfying and healthier, is to accept everything which brought us to this present moment and with the clarity that acceptance brings, see the options that exist before us... then using our best skill, we gamble on the most compelling option and can find no source of regrets later.

  instead of a model of good vs evil, I see the world in terms of sickness and health which can be judged by norms instead of fantasy ideals... cures can be found and sought rather than vengences exacted... compassion for all others as parts of my whole self leads me to want to cure the cancers rather than perform radical surgery if I can help it.... and once a part is healthy, I find no reason to damn it for being sick in the past.
• 

  MissFit

  I found this while I was exploring old threads. Wow. I can't put into words how the op affected me. There are so many of us struggling with the past.
• 

  losingit

  Marked
• 

  DATA-DOG

  WOW. There are some great insights from the past JWN community. In a way, abused children always carry the stigma. even if no one else knows. How many times has your life seemed so great that you almost forget what happened and then it comes back. Perhaps all people are a bit afraid of their own power and being able to succeed? Maybe our abused self tries to use our past an as excuse to give up?

  Whether we ever really "grow-up" whatever that means, is beyond me. We can continully improve on ourselves. The more we accept reality, and ignore "fantasies" about the world being fair, or owing us something, the better off we are.

  We can fight lo survive or give up, that is the way of the world. That's the way it has always been. People fought to survive and that is why we are here! We will all eventually lose out to death, but will we go down swinging or just lay down? It's our choice.

  DD
• 

  cultBgone

  Great post, thanks for bringing it back.
• 

  MissFit

  Data dog great post. I know what you mean. It is so empowering for me to know I am not alone in the fight. Many here have similar experiences. Many experiences seem so outragous.

  But we know from experience that those things have happened.

  I know I am not alone and there are people here that can relate and give voice to my pain and struggle even if I can't find the words. I read theirs and I say amen...how did you know my unspoken pain..you reached into my heart and put my feelings in words that I reconize but didn't know how to say.

  I think acknowledging the pain and horror can take away its power.
• 

  LoisLane looking for Superman

  WanderLustGuy ... Where ever you are, thank you for your OP.

  We all ? ? or , I have fingers in pots, or thoughts on why?? or what was that all about??? from years, decades past.

  Recently I have looked at old photos so maybe that too has helped me together with your OP.

  Something eventful, out of my control happened to me when I was 18 years old.

  Your OP made me wonder why was my mom so cruel to me??? Where was she when she was 18?? What was happening in her life then, that she took her hurt and anger "out on me"???

  Bingo. The love of her life, was a married man, that she fooled around with, greatly. He was the love of her life.

  They did some stupid things, and he went to Prison. She embraced him in the Courthouse, for the last time. She never saw him agsin .

  Many years later, she was married, had children, was "settled" down. When the love of her life, got out of Prison, she knew where he was living. She arranged a family "vacation" to visit an Aunt that she did not even like, but it put her in close proximity to where he was living.

  Before she could arrange some excuse to drive out to where he was, a death occurred in the family and all of us had to leave the city we were in immediately.

  Her old love, died the following year. She never got to touch him, or hold him or be near him again since her tearful goodbye in the Courthouse, with his wife looking on .

  It must have torn her up, something awful. Being the cruel sort that she was, she visited her sorrow, hurt and anger on me, years later.

  If she couldn't have the man she loved, neither could I.

  This has been very healing for me to write. Maybe I will erase it in 30 minutes.

  I am "older" with "understanding" now. It doesn't make it any type of right what she did to me, but I do not have to carry the question of Why?? with me to my death bed, anymore.

  LoisLane , who did not have to read stories about psychopaths, she lived with one.