Hi.
I've been a JW for 15 years, have pioneered, been where the need is great, etc. Up until a couple of years ago, I was considered strong in the Truth. But then I had my first and only episode of major depression. I got very ill and generally withdrew alot from people. (Not because I felt bad toward them, but bad about myself.)
Through all this, I continued going to meetings and in the ministry, though not quite as often, and comment much less. Two friends in the congregation keep tabs on me. But even after 2+ years of struggling, the vast majority in the congregation act totally unaware of my situation. I get along with them all, but during the time I've struggled, 98 percent have never made a phone call or sent a card (or even verbally acknowledged there's a problem and asked if they could do anything to help). I know I haven't made it very easy, since my depression has made me more introverted and quiet. But still, it hurts. People would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to realize something's wrong by now. I mean, I've lost tons of weight and hardly ever comment anymore.
I know the friends are very busy with their own lives and aren't intentionally being unkind. But I can't understand why they spend so much time trying to help people in the door to door work, but let longtime JW's in the congregation struggle and fall through the cracks? My husband is also a JW, struggles with depression, and feels discouraged about the lack of concern/help from friends at the Hall. And we aren't the only ones struggling. I see many of the friends struggling as well (in their own private worlds of pain).
Up until now, I've tried to be understanding about the lack of support at the Hall. I know the friends are busy with their own lives, families, service, etc. And I myself have not always been there when someone else was struggling. But 2-1/2 years is a long time to struggle. The longer my husband and I struggle, without help, the harder it is for me to keep making excuses. After all, our identifying mark is supposed to be our love among ourselves.
Until recently, the Society has discouraged us from going to psychologists or counselors. But when I talked to the elders about my depression, they didn't know what to do, saying they weren't therapists or specialists. At first, I tried natural remedies for depression, but they didn't get rid of it. And since I felt so ill and even like, at times, I would "lose my marbles" without help, I decided to enter counseling with a professional. My husband also suffers from depression and has starting seeing a counselor.
When I entered therapy, I thought my issues were not spiritual in nature. However, what scares me is that I'm starting to realize that part of my depression problem IS tied in with the Truth. What I mean is that after reading some of the Society's articles or listening to some of the talks at the Hall, I go away feeling depressed, guilty, anxious, etc. Like I'm not measuring up. And after reading the "Propaganda" article in the Awake, I could clearly see how the Society uses many of these same techniques to influence our decisions and choices. And this pressure might be adding to my mental/emotional problems. (Or maybe it's just that I'm taking the information the wrong way?)
I'm starting to have some serious questions and doubts that I used to shove down. Aside from one close friend at the Hall, I can't share these doubts with anyone without being viewed as apostate or spiritually weak. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I don't really want to talk to my counselor about these spiritual issues because I don't want to bring dishonor to God's organization or be disloyal to Jehovah. And I feel guilty posting here too. I've never done anything like this before.
I want to do what's right, but I'm so confused. I keep wondering if it's just the depression that's making me think this way? I mean, up until 2 years ago, I was very happy in the Truth.
I really want to do the right thing. I'm just not sure what it is! I haven't shared my grave concerns with my husband, and he doesn't know I'm posting here. He is already considering leaving the organization himself, and I don't want to add to his disillusionment or influence his decision either way.
At present, my husband and I are still active, attend some meetings, go in service a few hours a month, etc. But we know we're spiritually going down the tubes. I feel bad about my doubts and for seeking help this way, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to do anything to displease God. But I'm so confused and feel I'm running out of options.
If anyone has any advice for me, I'd be happy to consider it. And thank you for reading my message. I didn't mean to make it so lengthy.