Hello again, troubled.
What's hard is seeing things 2 different ways.In other words, sometimes when I realistically look at things in the organization (without pushing away the uncomfortable thoughts or feeling guilty), I come to the conclusion that "Yes, something is definitely wrong in this organization."
But then when I go to the meetings, service, etc., I think differently (i.e., "This is the truth, and I'm just spiritually weak and need to study more)."
Sounds as if you have reached the cognitive dissonant stage. See if this description of cognitive dissonance doesn't sound familiar:
"Dissonance and consonance are relations among cognitions that is, among opinions, beliefs, knowledge of the environment, and knowledge of one's own actions and feelings. Two opinions, or beliefs, or items of knowledge are dissonant with each other if they do not fit together that is, if they are inconsistent, or if, considering only the particular two items, one does not follow from the other. For example, a cigarette smoker who believes that smoking is bad for his health has an opinion that is dissonant with the knowledge that he is continuing to smoke. He may have many other opinions, beliefs, or items of knowledge that are consonant with continuing to smoke but the dissonance nevertheless exists too. "Dissonance produces discomfort and, correspondingly, there will arise pressures to reduce or eliminate the dissonance. Attempts to reduce dissonance represent the observable manifestations that dissonance exists. Such attempts may take any or all of three forms. The person may try to change one or more of the beliefs, opinions, or behaviors involved in the dissonance; to acquire new information or beliefs that will increase the existing consonance and thus cause the total dissonance to be reduced; or to forget or reduce the importance of those cognitions that are in a dissonant relationship." (p. 25-26)
"Alternatively, the dissonance would be reduced or eliminated if the members of a movement effectively blind themselves to the fact that the prediction has not been fulfilled. But most people, including members of such movements, are in touch with reality and cannot simply blot out of their cognition such an unequivocal and undeniable fact. They can try to ignore it, however, and they usually do try. They may convince themselves that the date was wrong but that the prediction will, after all, be shortly confirmed; or they may even set another date as the Millerites did.... Rationalization can reduce dissonance somewhat. For rationalization to be fully effective, support from others is needed to make the explanation or the revision seem correct. Fortunately, the disappointed believer can usually turn to the others in the same movement, who have the same dissonance and the same pressures to reduce it. Support for the new explanation is, hence, forthcoming and the members of the movement can recover somewhat from the shock of the disconfirmation." --Leon Festinger, Henry W. Riecken, and Stanley Schachter, When Prophecy Fails, (New York: Harper and Row, 1956), pp. 27, 28.
You can also find a good description of this thought conflict in Orwell's 1984. You are literally trying to keep two contradictory thoughts in your head simultaneously. Since it is hard on the mind to have this happen, it begins to rationalize and make excuses. And since our emotions are involved, what with all our friends at the Hall and our family members, we even have a motive to forget those dissonant thoughts.
We know; we've been there.
Since I seem to be influenced both directions, how can I be sure which viewpoint is right?
Logical, direct, clear thinking. Both views cannot be correct. Only one of them will withstand the harsh glare of truth. Go ahead, investigate both ways of thinking. One way will melt away at hard study, and the other will always be there staring you in the face.
And is is bad for me to be "on the fence?" I mean, still going to meetings and in service, even though I have doubts and questions I am trying to resolve? Is that hypocritical?
What is the alternative? If you suddenly stop, the elders will be all over you, smothering you with love and concern and not allowing you to think independently. As far as being on the fence, you can either turn your back on all your concerns and push all the dissonant thoughts out of your head, or you can continue to investigate.
The choice is yours. I can tell you this: you are at the stage where you can still turn back and fairly successfully keep the "bad" thoughts out of your mind, most of the time. You can have a successful life as a Witness, and maybe even regain the joy that you have lost.
Or you can move forward the way many of us have (I was an elder, for instance, before I walked away).
The choice is yours. You may find happiness on either path, though I won't kid you about which path I think will bring you a greater chance of happiness. But it really is your choice, and we respect that completely. Do whatever you want, and we're here to help you if you want it.
I wish you the best.
