Problem remembering my childhood

by mtbatoon 10 Replies latest watchtower medical

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  mtbatoon

  I have a big problem remembering my childhood. It gets quite frustrating sometimes. Every so often I get a flashback to a memory but only by triggers, usually smell. I can remember places but little of events. One of the biggest problems I have is placing it chronologically. My wife tells me that most of my memories are of being ill, I was not a sickly child so it?s not like it should be a predominant memory. I don?t know if this is something that?s physical or physiological. All I can think of if it isn?t physical then I bought it on myself when I left the borg at 16 years old. I knew I had to change who I was to survive in the real world, I left home at 17 maybe only 6 or 8 months after quitting. It may be the repetitive 2 nights a week, Saturday FS and Sunday meeting has blurred my memory. Maybe my childhood was so dull that there?s little to remember, or so full of WT crap that it?s not worth it.

  What I?d like to know is does anyone else have this problem, those that don?t how much of you childhood do you remember and how far back does it go?
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  Big Tex

  Yes I had very little memory of my childhood for many years. Not until I sought therapy, did that change. I was able to recover many good and happy memories from my childhood but I also recovered quite a lot of abuse memories.

  Repressed memories in child abuse victims is still somewhat controversial (although the ex-priest Paul Shanley was recently convicted on the strenght of recovered memories). But repression of memories doesn't always have to be about abuse. It may be that you repressed parts of your childhood due to some type of ongoing trauma or series of traumas.

  Lady Lee posted an excellent article on her website regarding traumatic memory. I don't know your situation, but when you mentioned that memories are sometimes triggered by senses I thought of this paragraph from her site:

  Traumatic memory is encoded into the brain at a greater intensity than normal memory. This higher intensity is the result of the high emotional state that the victim is in at the time of the trauma. The higher intensity results in flashbacks which are common to survivors and to the greater intensity of the partial memories that come back. The higher intensity also means that when one is in the same mood/state as the original trauma there is a greater likelihood of the original trauma getting triggered.

  http://members.shaw.ca/leemarsh/traum-mem.html

  You may also want to get checked out by a physician (physical, and so on) just to eliminate anything physical being the cause.

  Chris
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  acsot

  One of my good friends here at work has the same problem. She was never a JW, so that's not the cause. I'm sure there are many reasons why this happens to people; high control religions aren't the only one. My friend was in therapy for a couple of years, mostly due to her upbringing by her mother - an indifferent, callous kind of woman, not physically abusive, more psychological and emotional.

  I had mentioned something about one of my memories when I was around 4 years old and that's how we got on the topic. Anyway, she only has one or two memories of when she was very young (up to grade school), then almost none at all, even through high school.

  She is thinking of hypnosis to try and jog her memory but isn't sure if she's ready, just in case it really does help her recall her past.

  ((mtbatoon)) You're not alone.
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  Crumpet

  Hi mbtoon,

  I get what you are saying, and for a while i wondered if maybe i had some abuse or something. It depends on ho cloudy your memories ae. I haven't read your previous posts so I don't know your history, but I have found that by asking various non cult/jw raised kids that my lack of complete memory is not unusual so you shouldn't necessarlily suspect anything sinister by it.

  I also have memory aids in that I kept diaries from the age of 7 so that helps - i think I would have fogotten a lot without them.My diary was my best friend growing up and in some ways still is. However I am not a therapist nor have been in therapy - not really an optionin the UK unless you have money to burn.

  Sorry if this isn't helpful, but wanted you to know how someone who was raised in the UK with a very VERY strict JW, not elder dominated family, felt.

  PM if you would like to at any time please.

  crumpet xx
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  mtbatoon

  Thanks for your replies. I don?t think they are abusive memories but as you say it doesn?t have to come from abuse. It?s more like a grey goo that only some memories are clear in. Most of the memories I have are when I was in a highly emotional state, many from being picked on at school. My family wasn?t uber strict, my dad left the org and my mum was left to bring us up in the faith by herself. Actually crumpet your suggestion of a diary is a good one but in my case it will have to be retrospective. It reassuring to know that it?s not only JW?s that have this but if it?s anything I?d put good money that its linked in some way.
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  Crumpet

  mtbatoon: I would remember nothing if it weren't for my diarys. Definitely nothing b4 5 but is that so unusual. I know people who seem to remeber stuff earlier. And I only remeber very poignant events - when i got punished mainly but some happy memories with my dad when I was 7 or 8 which I treasure, but don't run repeat on too much because its too much. I miss my mum and dad like a permanent ache - a rock in my stomach. The missing thing everytime i wake up. It gets lighter but doesnt disappear.

  I'd hate this to sound crass, but when 9/11 happened - that was lots of people losing one or two family members. When I got disfelllowshipped it was like losing everyone in one huge crash/personal nuclear bomb, and everyone I seemed to know, mum, dad, grandparents, sisters included did not see me privately for little social things as some here seem to have. Mine cut me off 100%. For me Armageddon already happened.

  Life after was painful but it is better to lok forward and try to reconcile the past in whatever way in can personally work for you. I'm still trying.

  Best of wishes with your search into the past - maybe we'll meet up atv the apostabbq?. x
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  exjwshell

  I have the same problem...I was in 18 years, out 18 years..have had very little memory of my childhood..but being here and reading the posts on various topics, especially about assemblies and field service has helped me remember more.

  Both of my younger sister's memories seem to be pretty clear...

  ~Shell
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  mtbatoon

  I too was rejected by my family and know how it can be akin to bereavement. Luckily it was only two years separation but I had miseds the death of my favourite great uncle in that time and never got to say many of the things that I needed to say to him (he was a surrogate Grandfather to me, my maternal grandfather never being a JW separated from my nan and I never met him). Luckily I manager to rebuild a relationship with them, I hope you and everyone else in the same situation manages at some time in you lives to do the same.
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  love11

  Don't feel bad, I'm having trouble remembering all of my childhood as well. But I think that in the past I was trying to block out bad memories. Also, usually when a child is sick that's when they feel loved and well taken care of by their parents. Maybe you're just trying to remember the good in people. It does make it easier to cope and live in the "real world". I hope that helps somewhat. Love11
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  the_classicist

  I know exactly what you mean. I think its partly because my childhood war really boring, though I kind of had a hand in making it that way so I won't try to blame the WT (well partly, I wanted to play softball and hockey, which I never could because a magazine that pretended to be God's channel was telling my parents not to).