Calling all "unbelieving mates", AKA husbands and wives of cult members

by Check_Your_Premises 27 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Check_Your_Premises

  Hey all. Any who have been reading my recent posts, know that they chronicle my unsuccesful attempts to prevent my wife's baptism.

  It is unfortunate and clear to me that there is nothing I can do untill I really understand the problem. I am currently reading Steven Hassan's, Releasing the Bonds. I encourage all who have loved ones in the watchtower cult to do the same.

  Furthermore I would like to hear from you so we can discuss strategies and ideas for freeing the people we love from this terrible scourge.

  "Give me a ping Vasili, one ping only please"

  I hope to hear from you soon.
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  Gabby221

  I once read about a man who had a closet that he cleaned out in his house. He put all of his "apostate" material in the closet. He then cleaned out an area of the house for his wife to put her JW publications. He showed her his closet area and told her that he in no uncertain terms did he want her to touch or look at his stuff and hw would NOT look at her stuff. It was his and she was NOT to touch it. The man then went to work. While he was at work his wife being the curious creature women are went to see what he had in his closet. Once she read through all of his stuff she decided she no longer wanted to go to any meetings again. I thought this was a great move. I am a woman and I KNOW I would have wanted to see what he was "hiding" from me.

  Gabby

  <><
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  jgnat

  Here's a good start:

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx

  I'm going to make a confession: I haven't read Steven Hassan's book yet. I survive by reading my husband, his moods, his needs. I think you are right. The way to freedom is different for every individual.

  What I can do is help you avoid the major pitfalls. How to keep the lines of communication open. Give you a realistic view of what you can accomplish. (No instant fixes, here).
• 

  RebelliousSpirit

  Furthermore I would like to hear from you so we can discuss strategies and ideas for freeing the people we love from this terrible scourge.

  Hi CYP. I am not actively seeking to "free" my husband from the JWs, mainly because he spent 8 years disassociated and has already lost his loved ones once. Honestly, I don't think I could bear to see him go through that again - the first 8 years were difficult on both of us. Now that he has been reinstated (with my support, because I love him dearly) I will never ask or expect him to go through a second disassociation.

  However, there were ground rules set long before his reinstatement. Such as: the children and I will not become JWs, I am responsible for dealing with blood transfusions if that ever comes up and he will respect any decision I make, the JWs do not own him (I do - hahaha j/k), etc. Luckily my husband is 110% in agreement with how I feel about the situation because as he says, "My obligation is not to an organization, it is solely to Jehovah and my family". He is a rare gem.

  My situation is very different than yours. My husband was raised a JW, he left the organization, he's "been there, done that" with all of the rigamarole - and he went back "on his terms", as he says. AND if it ever comes down to it ... he is willing to disassociate again if they force his hand ("his terms", remember).

  Your wife, on the otherhand, is experiencing something totally different, and probably has some serious (ignorance is bliss) blinders on. My husband lost his blinders a long, long time ago. You're in a difficult situation, and I sympathize. If you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to help however I can.
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  jeanniebeanz

  I am a woman and I KNOW I would have wanted to see what he was "hiding" from me.

  Brilliant move, Gabby. lol

  J
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  Check_Your_Premises

  Great idea with the closet thing. SOunds like it would work great on someone experiencing doubts. My wife is hardcore. The thing we all have to resist when trying to help someone is not to go for the "knock out".

  Slow, steady, deliberate, and relentless does it every time.
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  JUSTCURIOUS

  As a non Jw who is married a Jw when he was away from the "truth", it wasnt an issue until about a year ago when he started studying again and involving our children. I avoided studying myself for about 6 months until I felt pressured into doing so. I went to a few meetings and had my own studies. But, I told him I was also going to do my own research, which led me here. On some recommendations, I bought Crisis of Consience and In Search of Christian Freedom. I read them to myself but could not hold back some "Wows and Oh My God" when reading. He eventually asked what had me so worked up and I showed him. He read some with me and then had his study the next day and asked me to put the books away from him. Eventually, curiosity got the best of him and I came home from work one night to find him half way through COC. Well after he read that, we had a meeting with the elder he had been studying with and his wife, who I had been studying with. The could not even begin to answer the questions we put before them. Their best response was "Where else will you go?:" That was not enough for either one of us. My husband had been raised a JW his whole life and had such feelings of guilt for not living up to their expectations. It is such a wonderful thing now to see him realize that he does not need their leadership and control to worship God. The best thing I think I did was to research while not openly opposing him. He was able to see the falsehoods and lies for himself and now 5 months later just shakes his head and how much control and power he allowed them over his life.

  Best Wishes,

  Just Curious
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  Check_Your_Premises

  I'm going to make a confession: I haven't read Steven Hassan's book yet.

  Well if you are really interested in getting your husband out, I recommend it. I have consulted this forum very studiously, but I have also made alot of mistakes as well. I don't think the book is perfect, it is frankly to general, but it is probably the best resource on the subject.

  Some may even think that it isn't so bad for their spouse to be a jw. I disagree. I think we all have a right to think for ourselves, and we should be as free as possible from people who are manipulating us so they have control, and not ourselves.

  Really I am just looking for a list of names, of people in my situatuion, and who feel the way I do about it.
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  Check_Your_Premises

  Good stuff Just Curious.

  Unfortunately my wife is not even open to the idea that this might not be Gods organization.

  They all say, "where else can we go". I guess you could say that is not exactly a ringing endorsement from the rank and file. What it also shows is part of the mind control. They instill irrational fears, phobias, in the individual. This is the barrier that has to be overcome.

  The book talks about how to do that. I also would like to find other u-spouses so we could talk about how to deal with all aspects of the mind control.
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  Scully

  CYP

  Your wife is just approaching baptism this weekend, right? She's probably in what is very close to an ecstatic state of mind - it's very similar on an emotional level to the anticipation of your wedding day. There's likely nothing that can get her to change her mind at this point.

  However, once she comes up out of that water, and is a bona fide member of JWs, it will be just a short time until she is no longer being preened and fawned over (aka "love bombed") by her congregation. She won't get help when she asks for it. She'll get frustrated by people who were once so nice to her but suddenly treat her with indifference. They've moved on to their next victims recruits.

  When that happens, be very sympathetic. Do nice things to cheer her up. If someone says something mean to her at the KH, take her out for brunch the next Sunday. In fact, brunch on Sundays is a wonderful family activity (especially if you follow it with something fun for the kids) that you can use as a way to stay connected as a family. You can drop her off at the meeting and pick her up afterward while you take the kids to a museum or other activity. When you make these plans, talk about it as though you're doing her a favor by letting her have a chance to concentrate on the meeting without being distracted by the children. She'll think it's pretty benign at first and probably won't object to the kids going with you. Have so much fun with the kids during that time that they'd rather spend 2 hours at the dentist than at the KH.

  The next step is to have fun with your wife - if the meetings are Tuesday and Thursday, get tickets to a show on one of those nights and take her out. It doesn't have to be every week, but you want to inject enough "fun" into your family life that missing a meeting here and there won't seem like a big deal to her.

  Whatever you do, keep a copy of the Dec 15, 2001 Watchtower handy. The Questions From Readers at the back of the magazine makes it very clear that as the "unbelieving husband" you have the right to observe holidays and celebrations in your home, with the expectation that she will support it provided that she does not engage in "acts of false worship". It means that you can observe your children's birthdays, her birthday, your birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, the 4th of July, etc. and as long as you keep asking her - when she objects to something - "how is it an act of false worship to do _____??", you'll get her thinking critically about what she believes (or doesn't believe).