Mother Troubles

by joelbear 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Flip

  Joel, I don’t know if my thoughts have already been discussed, but your mother and/or many of your relatives by your description are exhibiting classic dysfunctional behavior. Much like a person who is of an addictive personality for example an alcoholic.

  Your mom may not have had a "drop" during her life. However, she may have been influenced during childhood by someone who has.

  It is hard for me to make decisions for myself now. I get very confused because I try to factor in the feelings of all the people around me so that I don't upset anyone. This hampers my ability to build real relationships with people.

  With your above comments in mind, check out help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, etc. (forget the WTBTS they have none) although this seems irrelevant in your case, much of the behavior you seem to be experiencing is similar.

  Most importantly, they will help you identify that you cannot solve the problems of negative people like your mom whom you come in contact with, but teach your self how not to be influenced by their behavior, so you can lead a fuller life.

  What steps your mom takes to resolve her problems, only she can make that decision. They are not yours to make because if you try to solve her problems by compromising who you are for her sake, she will take you down with her. Then we will have two dysfunctional individuals, instead of one.

  Flip
• 

  Jankyn

  Like many of the posters, I recognize the scenario. I've also had to limit my contact with my mother for the same sort of reasons.

  The really sad thing is that, even when I do spend time with her, I find myself so emotionally distanced from her that I wonder why I bother.

  Wishin you the best,

  Jankyn
• 

  safe4kids

  Joel,

  Just wanted to pop back on and say that I believe the behaviour/thinking pattern that Flip is referring to is called codependence. There are some great websites that discuss it and there is an excellent book called "Codependent No More" which discusses in detail how we can identify codependent behaviours and how to counteract them. Anyway, hope that helps and I hope that you are able to recognize that the problem is with your mom and not you.

  ((((Hugs))))
  Dana

  "Someday we'll find it...the rainbow connection...the lovers, the dreamers and me"

  Kermit the Frog
  "Rainbow Connection"
• 

  joelbear

  Hi all,

  I appreciate the support very much. I do see a therapist and I have been in Alanon. Both have helped me a great deal. I am much healthier now than I have been in the past. I believe a lot of this is due to the fact that I have stopped trying to relate to my extremely sick witness family.

  They are miserable and yet tell me constantly that the Watchtower organization is the only hope for happiness. AAAAARGH!!! Its mind boggling. For the past 12 years I have tried reasoning, fighting, begging and everything else I could think of to try to get through to them. In December, after a bitter email fight with my brother's wife, I decided to simply give up and cut off relations with all of them.

  I have also read Erroneous Zones by Dwyer and have caught him on TV several times. I do think his advice helps a lot. I don't let my depression keep me completely down. I have a happy relationship with Mitch, have had a good career in banking and am now planning a new career in Sociology or Mathematics. I have friends.

  But, a 1/2 hour talking to my mother and I curl up in the fetal position psychically.

  There is no hope for her, my father or my brother, they are 75, 78 and 56 respectively.

  My goal is to live as many happy days as possible.

  By the way, Rainbow Connection is Mitch's and my song. It plays on the Mitch and Me page on my web site.

  hugs

  Joel
  www.joelbear.com
• 

  LDH

  No it doesn't, dammit Joel. I went there to get my fix, and it didn't play!

  (I could hear all of the other sound effects, though.)

  Lisa
• 

  reagan_oconnor

  Joel: My heart goes out to you. Every time I have to call my mother about something (once in the past year) my palms sweat, I get the shakes and I have to pray before dialing her number. They've basically cut off contact so that isn't a problem anymore, but man do I hate the idea...

  It sounds like your decision to cut off contact was (a.) EXTREMELY difficult to make, and (b.) necessary to preserve your sanity.

  At this point, your sanity and happiness is more important than the attempts at "amends-making" of an unbalanced old woman. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

  When I used to get stuck on the phone with Mom, she would invariably cry about how horrible and abusive of a mother she was to me, and invariably I would feel obligated to absolve her from her mistakes. She ended up feeling better, while I always felt worse.

  I decided this: People who make your relationship with them contingent on your adherence to their personal moral or religious beliefs are not true friends(or family, in this case).

  [[[hugs]]]

  Always was in my face about my attitude, or the LOOK I just gave her or the TONE OF VOICE I used or because she suspected me of thinking badly about her. Slapped me a lot because she couldnt control me. I recall scant few times in my life being held by the woman. She is like this today at age 72

  Gee, LovesDubs... if not for the age difference, this could be MY MOTHER you're referring to!!! My mom dragged me around the by the hair on more than once occasion... and I'll never forget the clenched teeth, the finger in the face, and the screaming.

  At 17, I pushed her away from me and told her to never lay another hand on me as long as she lived. That was the last time she touched me in a rage.

  <sigh> What is wrong with these people, masquerading as "good Christians," destroying their families and their relationships? Enough to make you break down in tears.

  Reagan

  
  I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.
• 

  silentlambs

  here we all sit with differant backgrounds, thoughts and views of life, yet we have one bond in common, screwed up parents. when i was young i often daydreamed about having the perfect parents. i would pick out certain parents in the circuit and think if i only could be their child how much better life would be. as time progressed it was often sad to find they were more screwed up than my own parents.

  what makes people so selfish want to have children? isn't that really what it is? they want it their way, their view, their control and nothing else will make them happy. interestingly what they want changes on a weekly basis and when you are doing what you think they wanted, too late it has changed again.

  i have looked at families who seem to care so much for their children. i used to work in insurance and had to visit one to one on a regular basis with many families. i would see grandparents who sacrifice their entire lives to be with and help their children succeed. babysit for free every day of the week and are just so happy to be there. give their children houses when they get married, businesses, college tuition, land, you name it, all for their children to succeed and be happy. is it any wonder these kids grow up and be good people to have known so much love in their life? to have the security to know you have your parents blessing to go forth and be your own person, yet to know if you get beat up they are always there to catch you and help get you back on track. it is not about being a failure but just knowing someone loves you, has got your back, and would fight for you till the end. how could a person fail with parents like that?

  i think about these things as i look at my children, that is the father i wish to be. all i have is theirs and anything to encourage their success i will try my best to do. this is not a great leap of fatherhood making me any more special than any other father. i think it is about love and not being selfish. i know i have not been the perfect parent but my children know they are loved and that i am happy with them for who they are not what i want them to be.

  why is this so hard for all of our parents to understand? could it be the wt excuses this type of behavior and allows the justification for such poor treatment of their children? can you just blame it all on wt? i do not think so, there must be a part of human nature or could we call it character that causes people to behave and be who they are. i believe it is just bad character that they cannot overcome. kind of like being retarded, you just have your limits, you can only go so far. if you view it in this way it helps you to really pity your parents for all the saddness they bring on themselves and how much joy of life they miss. being a family, watching grandchildren grow up and sharing their lives, having a friendship that can be closer than any bond, feeling you are loved, etc. what a loss! something they will never have,instead they grow bitter with age, more angry with less energy to hurt those around them. at a time in their lives when they need you the most there is no relationship of love, just a sense of duty that responsibility demands.

  my wife and i plan to continue to try and be the parents we never had, hopefully my son will never have to sit at a computer late at night and try to make sense of why his parents were so shitty.
• 

  Prisca

  (((((((Joel))))))))

  I am sorry you have this problem, but as you can see, it is one many of us unfortunately share.

  I am what you could say "estranged" from my father. For many years it hurt me a great deal to see him turn his back on me, so I have had to find ways to cope.

  One thing I have had to do is to think of him as a person, and not as a parent. When you look at your parent as an adult, as an infallible human who has made some bad choices in life, you realise that their failures have nothing to do with your worth as a person.

  It may be a form of emotionally distancing yourself from her, but for your own health's sake, you have to establish some boundaries. If you allow her to pull your strings, she will continue to have power over you for many more years to come.

  At least you recognise what she is doing, and how she does it. That will help you to decide where to put those boundaries.

  I am glad you have an understanding partner like Mitch, and don't forget, you have us here to support you too!
• 

  Mulan

  Hi Joel. I have a mother like yours too. I believe they call it Toxic Parents. One of my nieces is a Psychologist and she absolutely adores her grandmother, my mother. We have had many conversations about her, and she always tells me the same thing, that I need to go into therapy. But, she does see that Mom is manipulative and an expert at laying guilt. I think the reason she has a good relationship with her, is that her own mother died when she was 14, and Mom is the 'mother figure' in her life.

  My advice to you is to let her know you love her, but don't let her push your buttons. Tell yourself it will not happen, and then tell your mother that you know she is trying to guiltyou into behavior that just isn't you.

  I handle my 88 year old mother, who still makes me CRAZY, by not seeing her too often. She lives one mile from me too. We still get into it from time to time, because I have to say what I think.

  Anyway, I know what you are going through, and send you hugs!!

  Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)
• 

  Tina

  ((((((((((((Joel))))))))))))))

  I see Im in good company here regarding toxic parents.
  Like evryone in this thread I too, was subject to 'crazymaking' behaviors and emotional abuse by mom.
  Please continue on with therapy. I did and it helped me understand so much about what was really going on,the subtext.
  I learned how to detach with love. For many of us,it's the only way and the ultimate survival skill to keep our sanity.
  I learned how not to react to this behavior.If we react to it all we do is repeat maladaptive,self-defeating anger styles we learned growing up under such toxic influences.
  Emotional blackmail! How true. Parents who perpetrate that can make us sick if we allow it. Sounds like detaching is the only option you may have right now to get out of the this destructive cycle.
  Wishing you strength and love.Tina