My on-again/off-again disfellowshipping is on-again

by AlmostAtheist 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  AlmostAtheist

  Two of the elders on my appeal committee called me yesterday to let me know they are upholding the decision to DF me. Of course, there was no question that they would do that, I even told the guy last time he called that I only appealed to buy some time before the announcement to visit with my JW family.

  The interesting thing is how long this has drug on. My original committee decided to DF me towards the end of January, I appealed at the beginning of February, and now I'll finally be announced near the end of March. This seems unusual, it doesn't usually take this long, does it? In the words of Jesus, "What you are doing, get done more quickly"!!

  Assuming there aren't more delays, I'll be announced this Thursday. I can't see any benefit to anyone in my going for the announcement, though I have to admit there's a morbid curiosity in me about hearing it, seeing their faces, all that. If it was right next door, I might pop over. But since it's a half-hour drive, I'm gonna pass.

  My inlaws always talk to me like I'm a newly-interested person, like they're trying to sweet-talk me back. But when I call, they usually don't answer the phone. That treatment I will NOT miss. I can't say that I'll really miss them much at all. It seems harsh to say, and it probably isn't even true. But sitting here now, I just don't see it as any great loss. Gina will feel the loss when she's finally DF/DA'd, but it isn't the same for me. They aren't my parents, it's different.

  I don't even know why I'm posting this. Do you?

  Dave
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  new light

  Being DFed has its benefits for sure. Your life will hopefully streamline, depending on how wifey handles losing contact, IF she loses contact.
• 

  frankiespeakin

  AA,

  I don't even know why I'm posting this. Do you?

  Yeah, it's called therapy.
• 

  catchthis

  I didn't attend my "roast." It is always the same and is scripted on how they announce it. The PO even has to approve the wording if another elder makes the announcement from the podium.

  I've heard my share of df'ings in the past. The overall air in the KH gets quiet and then ramps right back up again into the SM. Of course, if you are really popular in the hall, there may be a few dubs that let out a quick *gasp* if they didn't know what was coming. I heard there were a few gasps at my annoucement even though I hadn't attended a meeting for quite some time. But I was still invited to recreational/social outings along with my wife. I feel bad for a few of those witnesses because we were the only real friends that some of them had in the hall. Now they are relegated to only going out with my wife minus me.
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  Satanus

  Sounds like you might be at one of those life crossroads. Standing there, in the middle where all roads go in all directions, you may be a bit dizzy, trying to decide which road to take.
  

  S
• 

  Whiskeyjack

  Perhaps indignation? (I forget what your heinous "sin" was).

  W.
• 

  Odrade

  I don't even know why I'm posting this. Do you?

  Probably because on some level you do feel the loss. Probably because you're sad that these kind people, who used to treat you like a son, have allowed their religion to dictate that they must now treat you like an inconvenient return visit.

  Probably because you know that, contrary to their good nature, they must now, at the dictates of their god-forsaken religion, view you as a dead body tied to the back of their precious daughter until it rots her too.

  Great organization, huh? It's good to compartmentalize what you are feeling toward them since your df'ing, but leave the door open just a crack. You will be processing the loss of this relationship, whether you want to or not. Just try to do it a little at a time (seems like you are.) I know you're clear on the stranglehold the Organization has on your in-laws. Keep remembering that. These are not the people they really are. You love the people they really are. You can grieve that.

  Sorry you and FF are dealing with this. One more family casualty to the WTS.
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Good thoughts, Odrade and all. I appreciate the insights.

  WhiskeyJack: My heinous sin was I celebrated Christmas this past year. Gina's not DF'd because we both presented it to the elders as all my idea with no participation on her part. You can read the highlights of that Judicial Committe here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/83982/1.ashx (some funny stuff, some of the elders really said some stupid things)

  I called my father-in-law to let him know. I debated early in the game about whether I would tell him, or just let him find out on his own. But he did specfically ask to be told when it happened, and to be honest I just wanted to get it out of the way. I didn't like the 'sneaking around' feeling of them not knowing the real story. Here I am, love me or don't. But this is who I am. I feel better having it out in the open. He made it clear that he would be upholding the shunning arrangement. I told him many people have felt like him, but eventually ran across something that bothered them, something they wanted to talk to somebody about, but knew they'd be disfellowshipped for getting into it. I told him if he ever finds himself in that position, I can be a safe place for him with no fear of being turned in. He said he'd keep it in mind. (A very civil answer, considering how he must have been feeling right about then.)

  Interestingly, as we ended the call, I said, "Love you." This is a family that NEVER gets off the phone without saying that. In fact, if they say it and you don't, they'll think you're mad at them and will continue to think that until you can set them straight, even months later. Surprisingly, he just said, "Ok, well, bye." I don't know if he's decided he doesn't love me, decided that he's not allowed to love me, or wasn't sure what answer he could give that wouldn't put him on Jehovah's bad side. But regardless, it was eery to not get a reply.

  I don't harbor any ill-will toward them personally, they are just doing as they've been told to do, 'obeying God as ruler' and all that crap. I don't like it, but I don't dislike them for it.

  Dave
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  frankiespeakin

  AA,

  I think you have a very healthy attitude,,I think and feel very intuitively that things will eventually work out for you and your inlaws.
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  Cygnus

  Dave, your dad just doesn't know what to do right now. My dad had 4 kids. 3 of them quit the religion and did a LOT WORSE wordly things than you and should have been DF'd. I was the only one who got DF'd and it was for the flimsiest of reasons. My JW parents talk to me, do things for me, help me, look out for me, LOVE me. Heck, during this personal crisis I'm facing right now they drove up from Florida just to see me. So hang in there, I have faith that more and more older JWs are going to end up feeling this way about DF'ing and shunning,