Yesterday was a bad day!

purplesofa

Yesterday I had a bad day. I know what depression means now. You are just down. Not so sad, not so mad. Just down. It took all day to filter out if I was sick, lazy, hiding out(the "friends" came by), did I have Spring Fever? After reading a few threads, James Thomas comment about the old person dieing, and The thread on Jw's and mental illness. I felt better.

I was trying to decide if I would go to the meeting today and get my new OM book. I think it would be detrimental as I know the process of realizing I am not a JW is in full effect now. I know I will make it through this but I can see it was not just realizing there was a problem and moving on.

I imagined it was like being married and waking up one day and realizing you were never in love with that person afterall. You made one decision and every decision after that was based on the first, always working at the relationship, and fineally realizing you can't put a square peg in a round hole. Then how do you tell the person you are leaving, as they never did anything to warrent you feeling this way? Much how I feel about the brothers and sisters I know at the hall. I am surely grieving my friendships with them. Anything I say will be taken personally and should be so. What is more personal than your relationship with GOD? I can only think of one person (JW) I know that I could really express my feelings to and they might still love me.

I am finding all the thinking to get out of this dilemma draining. Once one thing is solved in my head, something else is right there behind it, like a line of kids waiting for ice-cream with hands out and eager little appetites. Me Me Me

I am training someone to learn my job. She grew up as a JW and walked away. Her father is an elder. She has been most sympathetic and helpful. I "placed" my CoC book with her. (IP_SEC I am gonna turn it in as a placement!) We talk about what she has read every day. She is surely a Godsend. I finished the book on Monday and gave it to her Wednesday. It is confirming things for her.

I spent the day sleeping, coming to the computer and reading threads, avoiding anything deep. By last night a good friend of mine came online and I said I was too depressed. I did not want to talk to anyone. I went to bed at 8:30. In Search of Christian Freedom is too deep right now. I read and can't retain, or I just don't have the mental gumpsion(sp) to digest and accept it right now.

I thought this was worth writing down and sharing. Thanks for letting me get it out.

purps

Golf

PS, greetings. No you did the right thing, let some things out, no need to tell all.

I look for positive posts to keep my spirits up. Sometimes all I do is search and read. I've promised myself that no one is going to take my life away especially those who live a 'negative' life, believe me, I know a few of them.

Life is what YOU gotta make it. Do you what makes YOU feel comfortable. Have a happy day.

Golf

TheOneBuck

Sorry to hear you going through such a hard time. Depression is one of the hardest things to deal with. All the advice you get is generic and people usually say to stop thinking about it or to get over it. I am sure you wish it was that easy huh. Well now is the time to be a little selfish. Do what it is that you need to do, want to do. Focus on the things that make you happy. Also, a big thing that helps me when I am down is pray. I am not sure your feelings on a higher power or not, but if you still believe in god.. then try it. Hang in there and use this board to vent, there are a lot of people here who are willing to listen and help..

((((Big Hugs))))

Big Dog

Purp,

One good piece of advice my shrink gave me that worked alot when I got into a funk was that where the body goes the mind will eventually follow. His advice was to force yourself to act energized and keep moving. Force yourself to talk and mingle, get out of the house, walk the mall, be around people, smile and interact and by doing that physically even though you didn't really feel that way your mental state would often be forced to catch up. It worked for me alot of times when I found myself in a funk.

Other than that suggestion, hang in there, there are people that care about you, draw strength from that, this too shall pass.

(((purp)))

purplesofa

Taking Old Blue for a walk. He walks me. Thanks for the posts. My old boss used to say "If you look busy you will get busy!" More fun when it is not forced though.

Have fun

Love,

Purps

Flash

Hi Purps

Being depressed is such a drag, it sucks the enjoyment of life right out of everything. What has helped me is doing what you did..talk about it. It helps relieve the weight and clears my mind some, also activity, for me it is exersize (which is a real effort when your depressed) even if I jump rope for a few minutes it gives my spirit a lift. On the other hand if I just hang around the house doing nothing or worse doing nothing and stuffing my face with cookies, then I'm really in trouble, the whole day, weekend or week will get flushed! I would definately force yourself to do something enjoyable whether at home or not. And I agree with you, don't read, watch or listen to anything dark and negitive. If you choose to stay home, watch a comedy or funny cartoons. Try to avoid people who are dealing with any drama because they're gonna share it with you.

You did lift my spirits though, telling us about your trainee/friend reading your CoC book. She probably is a 'Godsent.'

Odrade

Hey purps, sorry you are feeling this way, man can I identify...

You might want to seriously consider a couple of counseling sessions. If you're in a major city, try to find a Hakomi therapist. They do talk therapy mixed with bodywork (massage, craniosacral, "cueing," whatever their secondary specialty is, or what seems appropriate.) It helped me tremendously to have a "disinterested" third party confirming that my reactions were normal, and also pointing out where I was still conforming to my "programming."

I was a basket case for awhile. Depression, anger, sadness, the whole thing. I had never really experienced real depression until I was making my exit. I realized it was because I didn't know how to look at life NOT through JW lenses. I had no point of reference. You'll get through it, keep talkin', especially to people who don't understand. Yes, I know how silly that sounds, but the more you see those looks of disbelief or astonishment from people you tell about your experience, the more you will realize that it's not YOU who is crazy, but that religion.

O

tijkmo

hey purplesofa...(do you really have a purple sofa cos that would be cool) i dont know what to offer by way of a solution cos its happening to me aswell but sometimes knowing that you are not alone is kinda reassuring in a contradictory sort of way....big hug...xx tijkmo

Shania

Hey Sweetie, just keep moving forward no matter how low you feel. There is no magic cure for what we have all expierinced in our leaving the organization. It is as if we are experincing grieve of some sort...everyone we know in the JW treats us differently it is hard and at times it seems easier to go back but that is impossible once the veil is lifted and we see the real truth........just be strong honey, I feel like you feel and we can get through it together..............I have no joy of heart, no peace of mind but I have to keep moving forward of course a little medications helps...........love ya

Es

hope all is ok purplesofa we are here if you need us.

es

Yesterday was a bad day!

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