help - dating a married JW

outofthere73

I have been a reading these message boards for almost a year and have been thankful for the information i have read. i have been dating a man for almost 3 years when i discovered last year he was a JW. i have been trying to understand what this was all about - can't even begin to get a handle one how odd it can all be. recently i found out not only was he a JW but married with 2 children. His wife found out, went to the elders and they talked with him and his wife. He has stayed in his home for fear of what I know is being shunned. He believes he will never be able to see his children if he were to ever leave AND she would be able to remarry because he was the one who committed adultry (?????) but he could never remarry. He is now in therapy, but can't admit to the half of the issues he really has. He is deepy depressed and at times suicidal. He has been "Baker Acted" (taking into custody by the police for fear of doing harm to himself or others) and i just don't get it. The intimate relationship is over between us, but we had such a great friendship that i think turning my back on him is just wrong - then again, from what i understand, unless he is ready to leave, there is not a whole lot i could do.

i went to the memorial last night to see what it was all about. there are no easy answers when a loved one, friend or otherwise, is miserable because of thier religion. I just can't imagine that just be opening your eyes to a bigger brighter world is bad, unless of course you have the horrible fear of losing everything you know. thanks for letting me vent and post.

franklin J

welcome to the forum,

If you are asking for some advice; I would wager to say that you should "move on" in the boyfriend department. Do not look back.

My concern is not so much that he is a JW; but that he has a family; kids. Forgive my blunt comment ;but he is OBVIOUSLY not giving them up for you.

The religion did not stop him from seeing you in the first place and concealing his status. So I would conclude that the religion, in this case , is being used as an excuse.

"Bakers Act" ? Never heard of it; but again this does not sound like anything you would want to get yourself entangled with

Do not concern yourself about his friendship; he is a big boy and is capable of taking care of himself.

For your own welfare; find someone else to befriend.

Flash

i have been dating a man for almost 3 years when i discovered last year he was a JW.
...recently i found out not only was he a JW but married with 2 children.

This is a man who decieves and lives lies...RUN RUN RUN and DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!

Dragonlady76

Outofthere73,

welcome to the forum,
If you are asking for some advice; I would wager to say that you should "move on" in the boyfriend department. Do not look back.
My concern is not so much that he is a JW; but that he has a family; kids. Forgive my blunt comment ;but he is OBVIOUSLY not giving them up for you.

I second Franklin J's advice. Goodluck.

Dragonlady76

jeanniebeanz

Please get away from this lying cheater. He will use you and throw you away as is evidenced by the fact that he cannot be faithful to his wife or children. He'll treat you the same eventually.

J

The Leological One

I like all the advice I've seen so far. Jeaniebeanz is right, too; if the guy's wife couldn't trust him and he let her down, I'd pretty much suspect it'd be the same for he and you, even likely on only a friendship basis. Also, I'd think it'd be impossible to just be "friends" with him at this point after his wife finding out what's been going on, etc... he likely wouldn't be able to leave the front door without his wife knowing every single inch of distance where the man is going and how long he'll be there, etc...

You sound like a decent person, and you not knowing he was married up until now means he was being dishonest with you, probabaly knowing it'd be harder to get involved with someone that knew he was married. He may have some emotional issues right now; I don't know if that's always been the case and likely not a worthy excuse, but probably most anybody would be emotionally a mess if they were on the brink all of a sudden of losing their family due to being DF'd, so it might be more of an "acute" situation rather than that is his normal personality, meaning it's likely he was in full charge of his mental capacities when he made the decision to get involved with someone else as well as not revealing some major facets of his life, i.e. his marital status.

I know it may be hard at the moment because you really care and were involved with him intimately, but I feel you could do much better and find an honest guy that's also not trapped into likely trying to stay a JW and possibly doing a lot more to "prove" he's a good JW and repentant, spending more time at meetings and so forth.

I wish you well, and I wish the best for him (for getting his act together and being honest and responsible as well as for his mental health) and his family.

tijkmo

well said leological one...i know this is an emotional issue and i know that it touches a raw nerve with many but with all these issues the voice of reason and understanding that is not afraid to listen to both parties is likely to give the best advice for both....i know it would have done for me....the one addition i would make is that just because he was unfaithful to one DOESNT mean he will be again...im sorry i just dont buy that...

AlmostAtheist

It's almost certainly true that you are doing more harm than good by staying in his life, even just as a friend. If his wife knows you're still in his life, she can't feel any sort of security, which will tear their homelife to shreds without you doing a single thing. The best course for all involved would be for you to move on and forget this guy ever existed. (Easier said than done, I understand.)

Welcome to the forum, I hope you stick around. Read other threads, you'll find your situation is not at all unusual.

Dave

love11

Let me get this straight- He lied to you about being married, and having an entire family. He is suicidal and clinically depressed. And the government has locked him away for fear of hurting people and/ or himself. ?????????????????

I have a feeling your "need" to "help" him is only a detour from your own problems. Please get into therapy...I know... maybe you, him, and his wife and children can all go together like one big happy family.

Maverick

Mr. Pretend JW is a hypocrite, but he is in a cult run by hypocrites so THAT should be no surprise.

Be assured his wife told him to stay away from you. Be assured Mr. Loser is not worth your time.

Forget him, forget his phony religion, and be glad you did not waste any more time on this dog.

help - dating a married JW

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