Process still going on..........Help!!!!

by purplesofa 22 Replies latest jw friends

purplesofa

This is like an update to my progression/unraveling.
It has been two weeks since reading CoC. I have tried to read In Search of Christian Freedom and it is going slow for me.
Before I go on I want to thank the everyone that has been helping me. The board has certainly become a friend and can be as much or as little as we all want it to be in our lives.
I did not go to the Memorial. My best friend called right before the Memorial and I told her I was not going, that I could not handle the crowd. That I was feeling badly, that it developed over the winter and that I was going to the doctor soon. She said that did I think I might be feeling bad from not going to the meetings......(I have not been for two months) I asked her not to go there. That I was working something out within myself.
Of course, because I was not seen at the Memorial that was a sure sign something was up. An old friend visited last night and we talked intensively about the truth. He has not been to a meeting for 6 months but was at the Memorial. His logic is that the org is run by imperfect men.
Witnesses came to the door this am.........and I did not answer the door. The phone calls have been coming and I don't answer or return them.
I feel I am in the most vulnerable part of the process. In limbo, emotional, raw still. The novelty of finding out about the organization has worn off and I am slowly trying to build a life without it.
Most of the brothers and sisters that I know and are close to me I love very dearly. I feel like I am hurting them.......I am sure they are concerned. I feel like what I am going through is private and I am just not ready to talk about it. I am defensive and protective of what I am dealing with and understanding. I don't have my thoughts complete or have come to grips with it all emotionally.
I feel more withdrawn right now, it is my comfort zone.
Well, thats my story and I am sticking to it.
purps
stopthepain

I'm sad you feel the way you do right now,purplesofa.
Its a shame that the leaders of the WTBTS,and gods sole channel to men,encourage this sort of behavior.
If your "friends " from the hall can't love you unconditionally,and respect your freedom of thought,than I hope you realize,they are not your friend at all.
It is like being in an abusive relationship.It will always be your fault in thier eyes.
Stay strong,peace STP
HadEnuf

She said that did I think I might be feeling bad from not going to the meetings......(I have not been for two months) I asked her not to go there.

Good for you PurpleS...this is a typical JW way to get you feeling guilty about not attending meetings and that this is the reason you may be feeling "unsettled" and "in limbo". They tried that tactic with me many times. The cure for my depression was go to more meetings, go out in service more, pray more, etc. DO MORE/FEEL BETTER Don't fall for this type of mind control.
His logic is that the org is run by imperfect men.
That is just a crock of you know what. That is their answer for anything bad that may happen within the org. or to the "rank & file".
Witnesses came to the door this am.........and I did not answer the door. The phone calls have been coming and I don't answer or return them.
Again...good for you PurpleS. You DO NOT NEED THIS KIND OF PRESSURE TO CONFORM when you are at this point in your life.
In limbo, emotional, raw still. The novelty of finding out about the organization has worn off and I am slowly trying to build a life without it.
I know exactly how this feels. I often tell my husband, even after 4 years out, I still feel at times like I'm in "limbo". But the more we make friends and reach out to those around us, who before were Enemy # 1, the less and less we feel like this. PurpleS...it takes a long time to get comfortable in "the world". Kind of like being let out of prison after a very long time and having to adjust to the outside. But it will happen...the time will come when you can have confidence that you made the right choice to leave and you'll regain your self-confidence and the guilt will fade away to nothing.
Most of the brothers and sisters that I know and are close to me I love very dearly. I feel like I am hurting them.......I am sure they are concerned.
When we "left"...all those "brothers and sisters" who we thought were our dear friends; turned their backs on us faster than you can say...(sorry, can't think of anything here). We never got a phone call, a letter or card, a visit or anything. Well, maybe a few right after...but when they saw we were not coming back...we were nothing to them. If anything...we were to be avoided like the plague. Almost overnight we turned into lepers. So much for that Christian, Agape love. It's all conditional on your "getting with the program" of the watchtower. You aren't hurting anyone...but they may hurt you. Sad, but true.
I don't have my thoughts complete or have come to grips with it all emotionally.
I feel more withdrawn right now, it is my comfort zone
That's okay PurpleS. It may be a cliche'...but time does heal most wounds. Stay in your comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with that. You'll sort things out in time. You seem like a strong individual underneath your worries and concerns. Stay strong my dear.
Well, thats my story and I am sticking to it.
Good. That's a good way to end your post. Hang in there. Many people on this forum have been exactly where you are now and survived. Life is so good after the watchtower.
Sorry this was so long "purps". I hope it didn't make you sadder or anything. I was trying in my own rather pathetic way to cheer you up and let you know you're not alone. (Another cliche'...but true)!
Group Hug for PurpleS....
Cathy L.
prophecor

Hi Purps, it's difficult once the reality of the situation slaps you square in the face. The WTBTS is all we may've ever known, and yes, it is run by imperfect men, as your friend stated, as is General Motors, AT&T, Lucent Technologies, and the line is without end. All organizations are run by imperfect men, God's Organization, however, should somehow be able to ascribe to a much higher standard, regardless for the men of imperfection who run them.
How can it be that the degree of deceit and glaring inconsistencies within the structure of the organanization go un-challenged, even un-answered? The Malawi & Mexico debacle, having their hand within the UN organization. The house of Beth Sarim, denying individuals their right to marry, only to have these same ones live a life of old age and lonliness without spouse or children.
There are just too many things, when you slice away the problems to not have at least the minimal amount of concern. It took time for me to come to grips with the issues of the WTBTS, over a year now, and I'm still reeling from the information presented. Some of us don't recover as quickly. But the more I keep in touch here, the better my chances of seeing the picture more clearly as to what truly is going on within OZ.
There's good reason for them to not want us to know the truth about the underbelly of the organisation, once we find that there's more to the story than what we have been told, then they are left to having that info spread like wildfire, and it spreads to others.
talesin

Your head must be reeling. I recall your 'reading CofC thread', it has been a rollercoaster ride for you. Avoiding the big 'M' was a good idea, if you're feeling a bit fragile right now.
You know, Purps, I went through the same guilt. In the early years, I cried countless times over the people 'I had hurt'.
If you think about it, though, really ... You are simply choosing what is right for you. They are like the parents who are 'hurt' because their daughter does not want to go into the family business. "Oh, but I built this business for you!" Bull! You built it for yourself. You just want your daughter to carry on your glory.
It's similar with the folks at the Hall. Yes, they love you in their own way (I know there were many of the older folks that were truly saddened by my leaving the 'lie'). And now, they are 'hurt', because you have chosen a different way of life.
They are grownups. If their happiness is that dependent on someone else's choices in life, then nothing will ever make them happy. They are sick. You are merely the 'reason' for their own personal misery [this week]. Instead, they should be looking to the real source - the WTBTS.
It's systemic, abusive guilt designed by the b'Org to make everyone feel bad. Passive-aggressive manipulation on a grand scale. Don't play into it.
Do I feel empathy and compassion for these people? Yes, of course.
Do I feel responsible for their happiness? Hell, no!
tal
Wild_Thing

You are in a typical spot that most people find themselves in, Purplesofa! I hope it helps to know that there have been so many before you feeling the same emotional turmoil. I certainly did!
When I left (I faded also), there would be a few that when they saw me would give me a BIG hug and tell me how much they "missed me". I was always very nice and told them how much I missed them too, and we "should do lunch sometime" or something to that effect. The point I am making is that I left the door open for them to still remain my "friends" and to this date, no one has taken me up on it. I knew their friendship and love was conditional and that certainly proved it. They only missed me warming a seat in the Kingdom Hall. I think it is so sad how superficial those friendships were!
Nowadays when I see Witnesses that I use to go to the hall with, some will turn the other direction and not even speak "hello" to me. Others will ask me how I have been and act cordial, so it all depends on the individual, I guess.
I know it is tough, but hang in there and be true to yourself! One day, this will be a tiny blip on your radar of life!
garybuss

I found I had to give the emotional part time to start going soft. During the emotional time I tried to not confront the Witness people but I didn't have a group of former Witnesses to talk to and I was drawn to the Witnesses. I wanted answers. Of course none of them had any answers for me and their only defense was to reject me. None of the Witness people I questioned had even read the Witness books I was questioning, nor did they ever intend to.

Then I got to a point where I could be more rational and objective and I really accomplished some work. My real recovery is based on studying the facts, not the assumptions and rumors. What can I document or confirm first hand? That's why I bought old Watch Tower books to confirm the quotes and that's why I wrote to the United Nations myself and asked for my own letter proving a Watch Tower connection.

I found I had no problems with Witness teachings. I had a problem with behaviors. I listed those behaviors I saw first hand and made a permanent record of those.

I tried to test everything I was using to run my life and I threw out everything that I learned at home, at the Kingdom Hall, and at school until I could test those elements. I found I was running my life on very weak assumptions, superstitions, and traditions I had accepted without thought.

The problem with installing a new operating system in a human mind results in the same problems that result when I install a new operating system in a computer. The peripherals don't work right, or do not work at all. Many of the old associations don't work, priorities change, anxieties start to disappear, and definitions change.

Speaking of definitions, I found I didn't know the English language well enough to be attempting to use it. I studied language and expanded my vocabulary a lot. As I learned new words and definitions, my thinking changed. I understood concepts I didn't even know existed, and I could verbalize them.

The more I learned, the less fear I had. I went back and studied the William Miller movement. I read the writings of the early Advent Christians, Nelson Barbour and his teachers, and finally I read most of the work of Charles Russell. I have a copy of Russell's will and I read the account of Paul Johnson and the Rutherford takeover of the Russell assets.

I read Rutherford's work and saw those of a mad man. I read Knorr's work and I made a word for word study of the Let God Be True book (both versions). I read the circular prophetic work of Fred Franz and the court cases he testified at.

Then I studied theism and the sacred writings of the Jews and the Greeks. I read the history of the creation of their sacred writings and the evolution of their cultures. I read the Koran and the Book Of The Dead. Then I read books about the books.

It has all been liberating. Long gone is that feeling of impending doom I carried as a believing walkaway. Gone is the anxiety and the reactionary depressions it all caused. Gone forever is the feeling of financial insecurity as well as fear of people. Gone is the low self esteem pounded into me by the Witness people.

What has emerged is a force to reckon with, confidence, knowledge, and self esteem. I am something no Witness can deal with on any level. I am very comfortable with the way this has all worked out and I am very happy with my family and my life as it is right now. Nothing is lacking.

I'm not alone. I have met many strong, confident, happy, former Witnesses. In fact after a short period of recovery and education, that's our normal description.
stopthepain

i know this is purps thread,but ive enjoyed all the posts.
Wild_Thing

I found I had no problems with Witness teachings. I had a problem with behaviors. I listed those behaviors I saw first hand and made a permanent record of those.

That is exactly how it was with me! When I left, it was not because I no longer believed it was the truth. In fact, I believed it may still be the truth, I just didn't care! I left because of the behaviors and attitudes I saw within the organization while in my childhood all the way into my adulthood. In fact, when I was in the process of leaving, my mother played many mind games telling me that it meant my life and "did't I realize I was going to be destroyed?" I told her I didn't care! I didn't want to live forever!
It was only later that I began to research and discover the truth about "the truth"?. It is definitely a process and I struggled with the emotional turmoil of it all for probably at least a good year after I left. It does get better, though!
jaffacake

purple,
My thoughts are with you. I've never been in but those close to me are about to be baptised and I feel ill and obsessed with doing something to help them. The harder I try, the deeper I seem to push them in.
Please persevere with ISofCF. Its one of those books that has some difficult chapters, then when you press on some simple truths just hit you. There is so much in it that I have read some chapters three or four times and still see amazing new points. Take care, stay strong.

Process still going on..........Help!!!!

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