Making new friends after fading

by M@el5trom 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  blondie

  Making friends even when you aren't an ex-JW can be difficult. I was talking to a workmate and he said that he and his wife are finding this a challenge. Many of their friends have died, moved physically, or moved on emotionally. Their children have grown up and the social traffic with their friends and families has died down. Never discount have a good, loving relationship with your spouse without the JW stuff as a barrier between you. Friendships are like flowers, they take time to grow; if you force them, they only last a short while.

  For years as a JW, we have been taught how and what to think. It takes time to disover who we are after we leave. Were all the people at the KH REALLY our "friends" or just a few people that we bonded to?

  Blondie (your fellow fader and friend seeker)
• 

  gaiagirl

  I began hanging out at the Unitarian Universalist Church. This is a liberal church which allows each person to find their own path. It also doesn't require you to check your brain at the door. This guarantees that there will be a diverse group of people, some of whom are likely to share your values. I got involved going on church hikes, helping out at the rummage sale, etc. They offer lots of optional classes on various topics, such as "Rise Up and Call Her Name" (an exploration of feminine deity), "Theology of Sherlock Holmes" (seriously, exploration of basic assumptions of the stories by A.C.Doyle, compared to basic assumptions of some religions, this was VERY good). They also sponsor a bowling night each month, which I sometimes attend. So, there is lots of interaction with various folks, and I have made quite a few good friends.
• 

  new boy

  WEll it does just happen. People in your life are important.

  I am personally into metaphysics. I Have gone to "New age" churchs were all paths are respected.

  There is the X-JW meetups that meet the first saturday every month, in just about every major city in the U.S.

  Its a big beautiful wonderful world out there.

  As I tell people "I lost 6 million friend, now I have 6 Billion"

  NB
• 

  dannyboy

  The hardest thing for me about making new friends after leaving was getting it out of my head that *ALL* worldly people were evil, dishonest, creepy, thieving, God-hating, duplicitious, lying bastards who would corrupt me in the blink of an eye.
  
  For sure, *SOME* people are very much like the above description. But there are lots of decent people out there who make great friends, they try hard to be good people/parents/friends.
  
  Most of my new friends I met through work-related contacts/activities.
  
  A few current friends tried to be "friends" with me while I was a dubbie (to no avail)....and they find me more likeable since my "change" LOL.
  
  Relax, be yourself, "trust but verify", and enjoy expanding your circle of new friends who will probably accept you for who you are, not for what you're "suposed to be".
  
  ---Dan
  
  Edited to add: Now that I think about it, I've met far *fewer* worldly types of the kind in my first paragraph above since I've left then when I was "in" the organization. Sure, *most* witnesses are not like that, but a surprisingly high percentage have personalities/traits/faults that repell.
• 

  love2Bworldly

  This is my very first post!

  To love11, I feel for you and I was laughing with you as far as the coloring eggs and watering the Christmas tree. It just sounded so endearing. My parents are not JWs, so I celebrated holidays as a kid, and boy do I enjoy celebrating every holiday there is now that I am away from the stupid WTS. My kids crack up at me because I am so into decorating, cooking and enjoying every type of holiday there is. I think I am trying to make up for all the years I wasn't allowed to celebrate anything, my mother who has passed away--used to be so hurt when my sister and I would not celebrate holidays with the family. Now I can just enjoy life and live each day the best I can.

  I have been inactive for about 15 years. I was disfellowshipped, reinstated because I didn't know how to function outside the KH, then shortly thereafter became inactive. No one has hassled me since I left, other than the elders driving by my house and telling me to "call them". My sister believe it or not, has a relationship with me now--she is a JW and for years did not speak to me. I have to tread lightly around her and try not to act so happily "worldly".

  Anyway, I didn't really feel spiritually healed until after attending a couple different churches for about 3 years. A Baptist church I was attending a couple years ago, had a special evening workshop about cults. One night was set aside for JW's and I received literature from the Watchman group. I enjoy the website "Watch the Tower", about Paul Blizzard who was a Bethelite and is now a Baptist minister. I am slowly feeling like a normal person, but I sometimes still struggle with some of the brainwashing garbage the JWs put in my head. It's been a long uphill climb, but I am a much happier person. I have depression issues anyway, so the JW thing really gave me low self-esteem knowing I could never measure up. But now I am on medication and happily living my life with my new husband and my wonderful kids. I cannot reclaim the years the JW's stole from me however, and wish I had gotten a college degree when I was young. So now I just have to take classes and slowly work toward what I want. And I pray for all those mislead JW's because it is a very evil religion.
• 

  AuntieJane

  Hi Ma@l, and Welcome Love2B!

  To Ma@l: I think Love2B has given you some good info, I haven't read the other posts. But, first, congrats to you and your wife on your exit; I did read about your Thanksgiving w. grandparents, isn't that a wonderful holiday to celebrate? It is probably my favorite time because the focus is on family and gratefulness.

  At any rate, I would echo Love2b's post about attending a church...just go and visit a few Christian churches with your wife, see how you feel about them. You don't need to JOIN and if you are pressured, you can leave asap. Also, if you are interested in the arts, find the local group and help them out (one of my loves and we are always wanting more volunteers!)...or any other such group that you have even a slight interest in. Call a NonProfit group and ask if they need volunteers....the historical society....Swim Team...etc. etc. Sign up for a WalkaThon...right now Big Brothers and Sisters are having Bowl-a-Thons to help their group, you can call and say you'd like to be on a team if you don't have your own...There is SO much one can do to meet people, but you have to take the steps first.

  One of my daughters appears to be very out-going but had a hard time making friends. She loves theatre, so I told her to pretend like she is "acting" in a movie, just put on her beautiful smile and try to speak some lines. It is amazing what she has become. This may not be your case at all, but just reminds me of my trying to help her get "out" so to speak.

  Best to all of you who have left the JW control...enjoy your way on the Freedom Road!
• 

  Honesty

  I also got involved in another church when I was ready too. I searched high and low for a church I liked, going to all the places I would have never stepped foot in before. It was an eye opener for me. I don't know if I was expecting goat heads on the walls or what. After about two years I found a church I loved, and have made some pretty amazing friends. Of course I only say this as a suggestion... I don't know if you are ready to even think about this, or are open to an alternative faith.

  I had always been introverted until I became a dub and had to go in FS. After I found out the truth about the WTS and withdrew my membership and dues, it was suggested that I get a hobby or something to meet people. I already had a "people" type hobby and had many non-JW friends from all around the world much to the horror and disapproval of my ex. The best thing I ever did was attending and becoming a member of an evangelical church. I have the best real friends that I could ask for. Some are not wealthy, some are multi-millionaires but I don't know who is who when it comes to their financial status and they don't know mine either. We are the church even if the building is gone or the denomination is disbanded it makes no difference. When the bible says one faith it doesn't mean a denomination. It means one faith - faith in Christ and not an organisation. I admit it was a little strange going into a building with a cross on top of it but I know now what the Bible was talking about when it said "The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing".

  This is just a suggestion. Many people have been so burned by the WTBTS they have a hard time with the bible, etc.
• 

  M@el5trom

  Thanks for the ideas. I have thought about trying to do something to help animals - my wife and I both love animals (we have 13 cats and 2 dogs, a rabbit and bird :shock: ) I did go back to school this semester, and will probably go again in the fall after taking the summer off. I also have throught about looking for groups that do the same types of things I enjoy (dog scootering/sledding, computer stuff, reading/studying).
  
  I'm not sure I'm ready to try another church yet, but my wife really wants to - I told her she is free to go if she wants but she is willing to wait for me. I'm still sorting out what *I* believe, and I know I can be easily influenced, and am afraid that I will swallow the first hook I find, if you know what I mean.
  
  Since this is on topic here as well, a friend of my wife and mine that we lost track of when he got married and moved away just recently moved back near here. We're gonna go out for coffee Saturday after work. He is a JW, but has always been willing to walk the line a little (R rated movies, etc.)
  
  Mael
• 

  BU2B

  Bump.. Some good and needed advice here :)