What good bible wisdoms do you know?

by Bas 31 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  Quotes

  Learned some great things from the OT. You can read them for yourself here: http://quotes.watchtower.ca/bible_quotes.htm
  
  

  • it is OK to sell your daughter into slavery, as long as she using the correct door (seperate from the male slaves)
  
  
  • DEATH to those that viloate the sabbath
  
  
  • Shellfish == unclean (do not eat); locusts (a kind of insect) == clean, OK to eat
  
  
  • Menstruating women are unclean; just touching one will make me unclean. (I now go around asking women if they are on their period before I hug them or shake their hand)
  
  
  • God is freaked out by the handicapped, and instead of curing them he banishes them from his house
  
  
  • Slavery is OK as long as you get your slaves from another country
  
  
  • Teenage insolence is cured by DEATH TO THE TEEN
  
  
  • If my wife borrows/wears one of my shirts, her actions freak out god: it is detestable
  
  
  • God likes tassles on your clothes (I'll bet the guys at Queer Eye for the Straight Guy agree with this fashion tip. It sounds so.... FABULOUS!!!)
  
  
  • If a woman doesn't bleed like a stuck pig on her wedding night, she must be a non-virgin whore
  
  
  • extra-marital sex is punished by DEATH to both man and woman... but only if the woman has "an owner"
  
  
  • A rapist that attacks an unengaged virgin is punished by.... (this really freaks me out)... paying the girls father 50 sheckels and then marrying the girl (I wonder what the girl thinks about all this? And doesn't this make the father a sort of rape-pimp?)
  
  
  • More against the handicapped: if your testicles are crushed, please don't enter God's house. It really freaks him out.
  
  
  • Bastards are especially scary to the almighty: even to their 10th generation they can't enter god's house. As they say on South Park: "You Bastards"
  
  
  • Marrying your dead brother's widow is not weird, in fact it is REQUIRED. If you don't do it, you are punished by a bizarre change in footwear. (really, I'm not making this up)
  
  
  • Women that touch testicles while breaking up a fight must have their hand amputated. (Was the fight/testicular touching such a common problem that they had to make a rule about this? Seriously!)
  
  
  • Kill all your enemies, including the women, children, old men, and animals. But if you spare a few choice animals, you are a dissapointment to god.
  
  
  • Pornographic literature is OK, as long as it is found at Ezekiel 23:1-32 (great discussion of female masturbation with dildos "defiling herself with dung idols"). This passage ends with a snuff-film like "tearing out breasts"

  
  
  So that's what I've learned from my bible studies.
  
  ~Quotes, of the "whole picture" class
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  myelaine

  Quotes,

  If a woman doesn't bleed like a stuck pig on her wedding night, she must be a non-virgin whore

  Woe is me.

  michelle
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  Quotes

  myelaine,
  
  Happy birthday!!!!!
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  myelaine

  Thank you!, It is actually tomorrow, on the 11. I don't know why it says today.

  michelle
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  boa

  'the heart is more trecherous than anything else - who can know it?'

  Ok, so probly some retarded NWT twist in there, but a saying I still fine true for many people, even myself from time to time.

  boa...
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  gumby

  Bible wisdom isn't "bible wisdom". It's wisdom from others that have been recorded and labled as gods words which is known as pledgerism.

  God gets the credit for these words of wisdom ..and at the same time, gets let off the hook when he violates his own standards contained in it's pages. People cherry pick the GOOD out of the bible but turn a blind eye to all the injustices included within it.

  OK....now back to the topic. I like the words...."Love one another"..... That scripture covers it all.

  Gumby
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  Satanus

  Kill kids who don't obey their parents. Large rocks are the best to use in doing this. The failure of parents to enforce this is the root of all societal breakdown. These rebels go on in life rebeling in other areas, the job, music, drugs, speed limits, etc etc, even to the point of leading rebellions against empires like the british or roman. Preserve civilistion, kill your kids if they don't listen.

  S
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  myelaine

  Gumby,

  I like the words...."Love one another"..... That scripture covers it all.

  It sure does!

  michelle
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  robhic

  More against the handicapped: if your testicles are crushed, please don't enter God's house. It really freaks him out.

  That's not such a weird idea. Think about it: Any male that even thought about some guy with crushed testicles would automatically wince in sympathy pain from the mere thought! It would distract them and make them uncomfortable. It already made the J-man uncomfortable enough to ban them from his houses of worship.

  No, I think this is a good rule -- especially for males. Stay away from dudes with crushed testes so you won't have that sympathetic pain. Heck, I'm sweating just a bit from even thinking about it!

  Robert
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  Leolaia

  Personally I find many of the sayings of the synoptic Jesus (i.e. Q) to be pearls of wisdom to keep in mind in various real-life situations....